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Title hope chokes in limerick world final with failure to rhyme Nantucket

Britain’s world limerick-writing title hope Liam McSweeney was this morning being comforted by family and close friends after sensationally choking in the dying seconds of the championship final...

FraserWords 27.07.11 11:02am
Ofgem to reduce £2.5m British Gas fine 'as long as they pay by Direct Debit'

[More soon]...

dicky37 27.07.11 11:01am
Painting and decorating world mourns loss of UK’s greatest painter and decorator

The world of painting and decorating was last night mourning the loss of one of the country's most distinguished and highly regarded painters and decorators by some distance, according to reports....

Gary Stanton 27.07.11 10:34am
Pearly Gates nicked in spate of celestial metal thefts

Security chiefs at the gateway to heaven announced the theft of the Pearly Gates late last night fearing that they may already be sold and melted down for scrap. The wrought-iron gates disappeared...

Dick Everyman 27.07.11 9:49am
Dick Everyman
Osborne responds to 'disappointing' 0.2% growth figures.

Oops! Butterfingers.More later...

dvo4fun 27.07.11 9:48am
Cougar road death leads to sponsorship payout row

A plucky mountain lion had completed 1800 miles of a sponsored walk from South Dakota to New York City before being tragically killed by a car 50 miles short of his destination, where a grand ticker...

pere floza 27.07.11 9:26am
pere floza
Hitler Youth Movement denounces Glenn Beck as right-wing nut-job. 0
be reasonable 27.07.11 9:02am
be reasonable
Arnold Schwarzenegger's plan to repace fat twin with sporty twin fails

as Schriver springs him early...

guffaw 27.07.11 8:51am
Nicky Campbell disappoints listeners with flawless Jeremy Hunt interview

But in later interview with Nick Griffin he uses the C word 11 times...

brownpaperreporter 27.07.11 7:26am
Jack and Jill taken into care after "falling down the hill" excuse doesn't wash 2
thackaray 26.07.11 10:48pm
Obama pins hopes on PPI compensation claim.

As the American debt crisis deepens, Barack Obama has revealed his latest attempt to meet national debt interest payments: White House lawyers are said to be working around the clock to lodge a...

Corrigan 26.07.11 10:07pm
"Actually" says Fate, my finger is very focussed 0
brownpaperreporter 26.07.11 7:53pm
Age Concern launch their Winter campaign and urge the UK to “Wall up OAPs”

“We have seen Winter fuel bills increase, deaths on icy roads spiral and more and more pensioners clogging hospital casualty wards, so walling up the old folks is the only answer. No more housing...

brownpaperreporter 26.07.11 7:44pm
Two active geysers discovered in Yosodomite National Park 18
Dick Everyman 26.07.11 6:35pm
North London crematorium explodes. 0
be reasonable 26.07.11 6:25pm
be reasonable
Google + to include a new Circle of Hell option 0
ronseal 26.07.11 2:32pm
Nick Griffin re-elected as BNP leader by ‘crushing’ nine-vote margin

British National Party members have given Nick Griffin an overwhelming mandate after re-electing him as leader by the crushing margin of nine votes. His humiliated opponent Andrew Brons managed a...

Christopher Frost 26.07.11 2:17pm
Christopher Frost
Maternity wards to be adopted by wolves

The NHS has welcomed an agreement to hand maternity care to the wolves. Long recognised as the ideal animal for raising children, the successful bid was supported by references from Mowgli and a...

26.07.11 2:13pm
Commuter deodorant Crisis

As all major labels continue to push "Lasts 48 hours or Longer" Anti Perspirant/Deodorants experienced Commuters commented. "Dear god please no!" . Interviewed one Stephen Giles of Surrey said "Its...

Wellsonian 26.07.11 2:13pm
Dull hosts fake 'edgy' parties by hiring 'Strop-A-Grams'

A new service is being offered to the socially inadequate, so they can pretend to live life in the fast lane. For a price, a 'strop-A-gram' will turn up to your party and make it an event no-one can...

26.07.11 1:40pm
Hamilton "I'm Quitting" stuns motor racing fans

Acknowledging that "I have just been wasting my life" 26 year old Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 World Champion in 2008, revealed this morning his immediate retirement from the sport. His McLaren car...

dvo4fun 26.07.11 1:20pm
Criticism For Zoo Autopsy Plan

Edinburgh Zoo has announced plans to carry out a post mortem on a large mammal before a live audience in August. Zoo bosses emphasised that it was part of their remit to educate as well as entertain...

Drylaw 26.07.11 1:05pm
Altruism Alert Raised to 'Severe' as Londoner Acknowledges Fellow Man

Central London was brought to a standstill last night after an explosion of politeness ripped through the city. The spontaneous outburst of avuncularity was attributed to Martin Kimble, 27, a graphic...

f0zz 26.07.11 12:45pm
Good day to bury "Bad News" is correct due to lovely weather

Today, was hailed by the vicar, as a good day to bury Bad News since the weather forecasters had predicted rain and gales but it instead turned out sunny and pleasant for the mourners. Mr Bad News,...

thackaray 26.07.11 12:17pm
Retail sales fell in may. Government blame good/bad weather

select as appropriate...

virtuallywill 26.07.11 12:11pm
Ryanair buy Space Shuttle fleet and Kennedy Space Centre for Disneyland holidays 0
Iamthestig 26.07.11 11:01am
Justin Bieber To Quit Music Over Lack Of Critical Recognition

Justin Bieber may have millions of adoring teenage fans and indeed the millions of dollars spent by those millions of fans. His face is on computer screens, TV screens, best-selling CDs, a popular...

Textbook 26.07.11 10:03am
Scientists create human-ape hybrid. Rooney sues for copyright breach.

Son of Barnabas 26.07.11 9:20am
Winehouse dubbed “heroine” by top heroin dealer

Britain’s top drugs dealer paid tribute to Amy Winehouse, calling her an “A class ambassador for class A drugs”. The dealer, who asked not to be named, was speaking from his multimillion pound...

nickb 26.07.11 9:01am
All BBC cafeterias to move to Salford, staff voice concern

The BBC is to move all staff catering facilities to its new Salford Quays complex. Staff in London say they could face round trip journeys of as long as two days to get lunch or a snack. But BBC...

nickb 26.07.11 8:40am