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Rooney back on pitch, puts up pasting table and arranges bric-a-brac, '50p each' 0
QorbeQ 4 years

'What else would I have been doing on a Sunday?' asks the bemused striker, as car boot organiser admits 'he's had this pitch booked for weeks.' More soon...

Fat Britain weighing heavy on undertakers shoulders 2
brownpaperreporter 4 years

Tom Sillence, head of Planters, the undertaker's union, today called on the government to invest more in getting Britain healthy "We are increasingly alarmed at the growing obesity and mortality...

Brazilian media frenzy at reports of English footballers being fed to the dogs 1
Duncan Biscuit 4 years
Russia in talks to swap 1 tennis player for entire England Football team 0
paulvw 4 years

except Robert Green...

CSI viewers baffled Raoul Moat not captured in under 60 minutes 1
dandare70 4 years
English ref to disallow first goal in world cup final 0
jp1885 4 years
Public invited to suggest cuts online at www.cut.gove.uk 0
Duncan Biscuit 4 years
Spy exchange begins at enlarged dead letter boxes in Central and Gorky Parks 0
Duncan Biscuit 4 years
Coalition invites suggestions for cuts via Twitter of not more than £140 billion 0
Duncan Biscuit 4 years
Octopus to decide next England manager 2
hero2zero 4 years

Preparations are under way in Bristol, F.A officials keen to see a wide selection of potentials scrutinised by the "octi-prophet!"...

Sky news deny sending Kay Burley to Northumbria with a target on her back 0
simonjmr 4 years
No doubting that Christiano Christiano is Christiano`s, on upon having his bum 2
arrghgarry 4 years

smacked he dived on to the theatre floor clutching his ankle ,he then spat at the cameraman who was recording it for Christiano...

Police tell Moat that his past is just water under a bridge 0
MrChigleysAunt 4 years
Northumbria Police arrest Judas Priest for conspiracy to murder 0
wallster 4 years

Northumbria Police have arrested the ageing rock band Judas Priest for allegedly inciting murder in a subliminal message, hidden within their 1984 hit song - 'Screaming for Attention'. Detective...

German players line up to kick psychic octopus in tentacles 0
Nick McCarr 4 years
Spanish flu to be placed in Dutch oven as editors lost for metaphors 0
Nick McCarr 4 years

in World Cup final lead up...

Tabloid editors 'take no pleasure in this' as Amy Winehouse falls off the wagon 1
StoopyDeGunt 4 years

A splash of tabloid newspaper editors has put out a judge statement, saying how distraught they are that Amy Winehouse has fallen off the wagon., 'We take no pleasure whatsoever in this young lady's...

Study shows hearts and minds now repulsed by phrase ' winning hearts and minds' 1
la maga 4 years
Boris Johnson offers to release all French people incarcerated in London.... 0
Griffin 4 years

.. in exchange for Mona Lisa...

US-Russia Spy game - Rosa Klebb last to be picked so goes in goal 0
brownpaperreporter 4 years
Downloading industry threatened by rise of new 'physical media' 5
rickwestwell 4 years

Representatives from Britain's traditional downloading industry have urged the government to take swift action to stem the rise in popularity of so-called "physical media" which they say is crippling...

Prescott joins the Lards 5
andhrimnir 4 years
Octopus predicts that Germany will win WW III. 0
Griffin 4 years
Russia Offers USA Either Spies for Spies Deal or Option of 'Mystery Box' 1
thisisall1word 4 years
Ten Agents Plead to Stay in US Custody 1
Doctor Moptop 4 years

Rather than face flight to Moscow on RyanAir...

Brazilian legend advise Rooney not to have a Brazilian on his balls 1
arrghgarry 4 years

although it would be very smooth like a Jubalani it would be painful and if kicked they could fly in any direction...

Barren Prescott u-turns on peerage pledge. 8
MightyBlair 4 years
"Sir"ian Blair reminds people to be patient regarding the capture of Raoul Moat 0
arrghgarry 4 years

he says "this is no innocent electrician sitting on a train you know "...

Ronaldo Names Son 0
mugwump 4 years

Ronaldo names son after the man who taught him everything Jacques Cousteau...

BP exec wonders when people will forget the spill, tired of questions at parties 0
la maga 4 years