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Diamond downgraded to Graphite

Barclays have become a carbon copy of all the other banks...

Gary Baldy 10.07.12 8:02pm
Gary Baldy
Libor scandal: Bob Diamond 'dismayed' by being found out. More soon. 0
Al OPecia 10.07.12 7:51pm
Al OPecia
John Terry Worried Court Case "Might Be Jewish Conspiracy" 0
thisisall1word 10.07.12 7:51pm
Officer Dibell shooting, police call off hunt for Top Cat.

More over the line stuff soon...

MADJEZ 10.07.12 7:34pm
“Higgs is a Bozo”, claims angry clown.

A retired circus clown yesterday claimed that Professor Peter Higgs, the renowned physics professor, had stolen his idea for the elusive “God particle”. Bozo the Clown, excitedly told us last...

NewCriminal 10.07.12 6:29pm
Terry plays post-modern irony in defence...

Kierkegaard and Nietszche join team in mid-field...

Miss Hegas 10.07.12 6:07pm
Miss Hegas
Hawkeye to be trialled on comedy website

Following a series of controversial submissions which have provoked heated debates, ‘Hawkeye’ technology is to be trialled on a well-known spoof news website to determine whether the line was...

Midfield Diamond 10.07.12 6:07pm
Al OPecia
Dunblane: "Why us? First the school massacre and now Murray loses at Wimbledon." - 23 61
dvo4fun 10.07.12 6:03pm
Al OPecia
George Osborne 'prepared to admit he's a bounder'

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne may be prepared to admit he's 'a bounder' in his row wifh Ed Balls. Balls has demanded an apology over Osborne's accusation that he was complicit in the...

roybland 10.07.12 5:53pm
Adele pregnancy - Nation assumed she was just fat 3
bonjonelson 10.07.12 5:26pm
. 15
10.07.12 4:14pm
Jamie Oliver Clones To Solve World Food Crisis

The most significant development in the history of feeding the world was announced today. Using recently-discovered secret Nazi technology, itself gleaned from an alien flying saucer which crashed...

Reg Herring 10.07.12 3:41pm
Mr Target
Katie Holmes get custody of senses

Katie Holmes is to have custody of her senses; her lawyer explained that, "Having recently come across her senses, having lost them for a few years, she is determined to keep hold of them."...

apepper 10.07.12 2:06pm
London's new airport will be underground, promises Boris.

An imaginative solution to the Capital's air congestion was announced by Mayor Boris Johnson at this week's meeting of the London Transport Planning Initiative (Air and Road) Working Party Select...

Boutros 10.07.12 2:01pm
MI5 stumped as Al Qaeda plot to disrupt Olympics with “rain attack”

M15 director general Jonathan Evans concedes that a recently uncovered Al Qaeda plot to disrupt the Olympics may be “unstoppable”. The plot is aimed at causing a number of serious problems,...

Yikes 10.07.12 12:28pm
Mars probe excites chocolate faithful

A finger of fudge used to be enough, but in today’s fast moving world of chocolate branding, an eye on the news has helped marketing men sit up and listen. Which is why the recent NASA expedition...

nickb 10.07.12 12:21pm
Dyson Airblade use to blame for recent downpours

A report published this morning blames the recent downpours on the increasing use of Dyson Airblades in the nations washrooms and public conveniences. Michael Perch of the Met Office and author of...

simonjmr 10.07.12 12:13pm
Space Race "impossible" proclaims delighted troll - "you can't run in a vacuum&a

What the hell's happened to my last punctuation mark?...

SpankyMonkey 10.07.12 12:06pm
"Wombles put me off" claims Murray "oh, and Federer played better"

Andy Murray and his mum Judy have today provided prove that the fictional imaginary Wombles of Wimbledon were to play for Andy's unexplained defeat to the boring Swiss Federer. "Whenever I was in a...

simonjmr 10.07.12 10:03am
Sir Steve Redgrave: "I live In Constant Fear Of Being Found Out"

5-time Olympic gold medallist, Sir Steve Redgrave, has revealed today that he lives in constant fear of being "found out as being nothing special and a very lucky so and so to boot," despite the...

Duff 10.07.12 9:45am
seymour totti
M&S rebrand as Spencers & Marks to boost sales of grey shaded clothes 0
charlies_hat 10.07.12 9:00am
John Terry "Not Scottish".

With nod to Perks...

The All New Jeni B 10.07.12 8:43am
Andy Murray fitted with dog’s tail to help express his emotions

In an attempt to counter criticism that Andy Murray hides his emotions, Britain’s tennis no.1 has been fitted with a large, shaggy tail, operated remotely by his brain. Leading veterinary...

Nunnion Splendacular 10.07.12 8:41am
Rare steaks on the menu as vegetarians finally call an end to protest

It's been over 50 years since the first dinner party was ruined by someone saying, "I can't eat this I'm vegetarian", a protest then taken up by millions of people worldwide and which came to an...

The Masked Frog 10.07.12 8:39am
Tom Cruise now casting for Marriage Impossible 4

Still waiting for Katie Holmes to peel off a rubber mask and reveal her true evil identity...

gregle 10.07.12 8:38am
Katie Holmes gets custody of Suri, Tom Cruise gets the spaceship

Fears of a messy divorce have receded as Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have reached a settlement. While precise details are confidential, Holmes is believed to have got sole custody of Suri and...

Yikes 10.07.12 7:42am
London LGBT parade to be called, "50 shades of Gay" 0
Dumbnews 10.07.12 4:00am
Science news

Scientists at Small Hadron Collider announce successful combination of apple and blackcurrant...

speccyneil 09.07.12 8:59pm
Rooftop missile launchers threaten to strike during Olympics 7
charlies_hat 09.07.12 8:16pm
Murray in tears, gutted: runners up prize is only £575k

Federer gets £1.15m...

Mark Gregory 09.07.12 7:43pm
Mark Gregory