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UK Border Agency replaced by moat and drawbridge.

The UK is to scrap its Border Agency and Border Patrol in an effort to save cash. Taking advantage of the nation's island status, the English Channel is to be renamed The Moat. A drawbridge and...

Boutros 14.03.12 1:53am
Home Secretary agrees schoolboy extradition to US

Home Secretary Theresa May has agreed the extradition to the US of 9 year old Justin Beesley of Gosport in Hampshire who was accused earlier this week by US Customs and Immigration Agency of...

Earl Van Dyke 14.03.12 12:15am
Police slammed over missed chance to arrest Jeremy Clarkson

The police have been severely criticised for driving past Jeremy Clarkson's house without stopping to arrest him. During the regular trips to Rebekah Brook's residence to deliver horses and carry out...

apepper 14.03.12 12:05am
Go-between accussed of being liaisy.

What did I do with me coat?...

beau-jolly 14.03.12 12:01am
Dieticians demand ban on 'indoor beefing'

With growing evidence that red meat could be an obstacle to immortality, health experts are urging the government to consider a ban on 'indoor beefing'. Doctor Mallory Hitchens thinks the dangers of...

13.03.12 11:51pm
Man walking dog finds ground-to-air missile installation in woods 0
Scroat 13.03.12 10:35pm
Government to subsidise visitors to London during Olympics

David Cameron has today declared that Banks and Building Societies will be given funding to assist those who plan to stay in Hotels in London during the Olympics., Plans for council house tenants to...

AndyOverhead 13.03.12 9:38pm
Government to insist on strict new driving test for The Undead

Members of the undead community may be forced to retake driving tests after complaints that they drive too slowly and cause major tailbacks, sources have revealed. The recommendation comes as new...

Gary Stanton 13.03.12 9:35pm
Water shortage: Don't see red, use your butt instead

Public advisory – hosepipe ban areas. People living in the hosepipe ban areas are advised to save rainwater by placing their butts under a rainwater spout during any rainfall. Whilst this is an...

weematt 13.03.12 9:13pm
Fiennes to take Newcastle Beauties to South Pole

To mark the 100th anniversary of Scott reaching Antarctica, Sir Ranulph Fiennes is seeking to recruit young women from Newcastle for his next trip to the South Pole. The veteran explorer said...

Mark Gregory 13.03.12 9:00pm
Brooks allowed home after "Coming over all unnecessary" 0
Drylaw 13.03.12 8:58pm
Striking Librarians Bring National Chaos

The nation has been plunged into chaos following a lightning strike today by librarians and library assistants, protesting against public sector spending cuts. The doors of hundreds of libraries...

Mark Gregory 13.03.12 8:37pm
Mark Gregory
Pope Benedict is just an old German guy full of shit, says taxi driver

The Pope is just an old German guy full of shit, according to London taxi driver Bruce Hicks. And Mr Hicks says that the Archbishop of Canterbury is also full of shit. Mr Hicks, who is well-known...

roybland 13.03.12 8:35pm
Lords Resistance Army announces policy shift.

The child brutality and murder community was reported to be ‘in shock’ last night after the surprise announcement of a ‘paradigm shift’ in the operational tactics of the terrorist group...

dammit 13.03.12 7:49pm
Hosepipe ban to hit colonic irrigation practitioners

More to come...

JustSomeBloke 13.03.12 7:27pm
Experts disagree on who can be labelled an Expert 0
Dumbnews 13.03.12 7:25pm
Scots to limit caffeine in alcohol, too many MSPs awake during debates

The Labour party in Scotland have proposed setting a maximum limit to the amount of caffeine in alcoholic drinks. Debates in the Scottish Parliament have been taking far too long due to MSPs...

weematt 13.03.12 6:08pm
Angela Merkin - did they throw the wrong bit away? 0
JustSomeBloke 13.03.12 6:05pm
Police cell prices shoot up in price after celebrity endorsements

Thousands of police cells have become sought after accommodation following many wealthy celebrities moving in to them. "It used to be quite cheap to get a cell.", explain PC World, "12 cans of lager...

apepper 13.03.12 5:41pm
London rappers hit by hose ban

Rap artists in London and the South-East of England have been forced to rewrite many of their lyrics following the ban of hoses...

apepper 13.03.12 5:31pm
Hornpipe Ban “may ease drought conditions” says Royal Navy.

Sailors are to ban the hornpipe as part of a plan to ring much needed rain to the South of England. The Sailor’s Hornpipe is traditionally associated with a plea for fine weather, and the Ministry...

nickb 13.03.12 5:26pm
Anti 'nanny state' campaign founders as public asks 'what's a nanny?'

A major new campaign to roll back the so-called ‘nanny state’ has been pulled after only two weeks. The multi-million pound campaign ‘No to Nasty Nanny Oversight!’ (NNNO!) was pulled...

Skylarking 13.03.12 5:23pm
Pub-name row as ‘The Hobbit’ forced to rebrand as ‘The Hairy-Footed Midget’

Following a legal notice from the Hollywood production company behind the Lord of the Rings (LOTR) films, Southampton pub ‘The Hobbit’ says it has no option but to change its name, with the...

grumblechops 13.03.12 5:09pm
Leading scientists mystefied by how to buy pants that fit 0
Dumbnews 13.03.12 4:54pm
Racialist anagram writer just being satirical 7
simonjmr 13.03.12 4:52pm
Cyberdyne Systems to install smart meters in the UK The government has announced that every home in the UK is to be fitted with a smart meter, a device that measures precisely the amount of gas and...

Landfill 13.03.12 4:34pm
Struck off dermatologist stops making rash decisions. 0
JETFAB 13.03.12 3:55pm
Brooks arrested for breaching horse bribe ban 9
charlies_hat 13.03.12 3:38pm
Cameron to fight Sarkozy after The French arm British badgers

A boxing match is to be held between David Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy in Paris next week, a government spokesman informed us last night. The fight is set to take place under the Arc De Triumph and...

mohanboone 13.03.12 2:44pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Liverpool Supporter not racist, say Liverpool Supporters

And that's good enough for us, say the CPS...

AndyOverhead 13.03.12 2:37pm