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UK Border Force prepared for "near catastrophic meltdown" over Olympics

The UK Border Force says it is now fully aware of the shit storm in which it will soon be engulfed, as millions of people from all over the world attempt to negotiate their way through the chaotic...

grumblechops 29.04.12 1:36am
Coroner's Court judges Gareth Williams MI6 death an open and shut case 2
charlies_hat 28.04.12 11:35pm
Ground-to-air missile system to be sited on Eastenders Queen Vic during Olympics 0
Mandy Lifeboat 28.04.12 9:02pm
Mandy Lifeboat
Land-bank fraud victims told to invest in unicorn studs & money trees instead.

More stories of gullible folk soon...

MADJEZ 28.04.12 8:47pm
Animal Cloning Arm of WWF to re-brand as WTF 0
allmyownstunts 28.04.12 6:35pm
James Naughtie vindicated 8
medici2471 28.04.12 6:03pm
Please Pull Our Shrowds Down When Your Finished

An Egyptian man who “mistakingly” thought that the Egyptian Farewell Intercourse Law had already been passed has been awarded undisclosed damages after his passionate farewell to his dead...

Youngcrow 28.04.12 5:16pm
Maverick Taliban who doesn't do things by The Book is TV cop show smash hit

Abu Basada was no ordinary Taliban. He broke all the rules and the Mullahs in head office hated him - but he always got results. And now, he's coming out of retirement for one last case, a...

ronseal 28.04.12 4:55pm
MI6 death: chief tells maverick detective it's an open and shut case 2
ronseal 28.04.12 2:38pm
Body in bag spy disliked MI6 ‘being padlocked inside a holdall’ culture

The spy found dead in a padlocked holdall hated the ‘flash sports bag and leathery confinement culture of the MI6’ , according to reports. Gareth Williams, 31, told his sister, Ceri Subbe, he...

Gary Stanton 28.04.12 2:03pm
Customs officer asks MI6 spy "Did you pack yourself in this bag? More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 28.04.12 12:30pm
Pointless satire getting sharper 0
Ostsee 28.04.12 12:05pm
Goal line technologist changes his mind after being surrounded by Moan U players

Manchester United officials have announced they are ready for new decision making technology. In a trial of goal line technology at Old Trafford, a pack of angry Moan United players successfully...

ronseal 28.04.12 11:47am
Border Control Agency announces height restrictions to reduce queues at UK ports

Human Rights groups have reacted angrily to news that a 1.9 metre height restriction is to be imposed at all Passport Control Desks for visitors to the UK., Head of Immigration and Alien Control,...

Underconstruction 28.04.12 11:08am
BA announces economy seat leg room to be directly linked to the economy

British Airways Chief Executive Holly Dolly has announced that leg room in all of its economy seating areas will change in line with the growth or shrinkage of the economy., "This was an extremely...

Underconstruction 28.04.12 10:31am
Heathrow reports 50% fall in passenger numbers but huge demand for hold-alls 0
Underconstruction 28.04.12 10:18am
Droitwich Pet Sanctuary suspected of killing its sponsored runners for money

Police are investigating the suspicious deaths of eight runners collecting money on behalf of the Droitwich Pet Sanctuary. Police said that the dramatic deaths on television during marathons and...

steve_l 28.04.12 10:13am
Change in double jeopardy law allows battery thief to be recharged

More follows...

apepper 28.04.12 10:02am
Government accused of copyright theft as clowns hire big top lawyer

The National Union of Clowns and Jesters have accused the government of stealing their act. A clown spokesman explained; "Making yerself look daft is the prerogative of the working clown, now the...

apepper 28.04.12 9:48am
UK Currency Featuring Prince Charles’s Face May Contravene Human Rights Laws

It's been argued that upon the Queen's demise subjecting the British public to using money featuring Prince Charles's repellent face may prove so harrowing as to contravene EU human right's laws. In...

UnoEye 28.04.12 9:18am
U2 Return To Their Roots By Forgetting How To Play Their Instruments

While U2 have remained a fairly popular band over the ups and downs of the many years of their career, a significant portion of their old fans has become disenchanted with the accomplished,...

Textbook 28.04.12 8:57am
Woman finds Jesus figurine that looks like a slice of toast

There was widespread astonishment at the weekend when Catford woman, Brenda Norris, showed reporters her plastic Jesus figurine that looked uncannily like a slice of toast. Daily Mail reporter,...

Yikes 28.04.12 8:51am
Apple to branch into pharmaceuticals with iBuprophen.

We have a cure for your technology headaches, said a spokesperson...

Maverick 27.04.12 11:11pm
Up yours to Al-Quaeda as planes have sex over New York.

America stuck it's finger up to Muslim extremists by allowing a Space Shuttle to shag a jumbo jet over New York. Ooh take it you dirty bitch...

MADJEZ 27.04.12 11:05pm
After Cleo Laine debacle, now a parking ban on Lois Lane. 0
Maverick 27.04.12 11:04pm
Cameron announces inquiry; Lady Malaprop to probe Culture Minister Hunt. 0
Ironduke 27.04.12 10:12pm
Amazing Cameron outburst: "I'm fed up"

"I'm fed up and I don't mind admitting it," said PM David Cameron yesterday in an extraordinary outburst during his daily press conference. "Okay I shagged Thingy with the red hair I can't remember...

Drylaw 27.04.12 9:43pm
Tag-hacking limited to “one rogue reporter” claims NB chief

Newsbiscuit chairman John O'Farrell today defended his publication against accusations that the practice of “tag-hacking” – leaving anonymous, derogatory comments on fellow users’ submissions...

grumblechops 27.04.12 9:36pm
London Gridlocked By Lorry Driver Eager To Transport Fuel

The streets of London came to a standstill today as car-drivers across the capital rushed to rubber-neck the sight of a trainee lorry driver only too willing to carry fuel for a living. This...

GKen 27.04.12 9:25pm
One Direction to release greatest hits after shock split

One Diection fans were in a state of shock last night after the band announced their plans to split up. It is believed the break up of the group was caused by a story leaked to the tabloids claiming...

bananaman 27.04.12 9:03pm