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Music notation cutbacks; the rest is history

More to follow...

apepper 09.11.11 8:50pm
Europe has blamed smoke from the UK's firework night for the financial crisis 0
Ian Searle 09.11.11 7:39pm
Ian Searle
New-born child to be tried for 'human rights abuses'

The father of new born Lilly Blossom, has announced that he will be seeking the extradition of his daughter to the European Court of Human Rights with the intention to have her tried for war crimes,...

Perks 09.11.11 7:34pm
Firework apologises for M5 Pile Up

Following a brief Police witch hunt, a firework has today apologised for the devastating pile up that occurred on the M5 on Friday evening. The "Star Bombs" firework from the Cosmic Display gift set...

jamster 09.11.11 7:18pm
Silvio Berlusconi’s penis to stand down at next election

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced yesterday that after more than 20 years in frontline duty, his penis would be standing down from public office. ‘My right honourable member has...

Long Distance Clara 09.11.11 7:17pm
Man arrested for not wearing a poppy

A 37 year old Brighton man was held overnight by police yesterday after being arrested for not wearing a Remembrance Day poppy. Do you see what I did there???...

Clarky 09.11.11 6:35pm
Student Protesters Threatened with Soap & Water Canons

Soap & Water canons could be used in the event of extreme disorder at "life is unfair" protests in London today, an ex-News of the World hack and now Scotland Yard Spokesperson has revealed while...

Aberdeen Correspondent 09.11.11 5:48pm
John Ffitch-Rucker
Daily Mail Litmus test launched as Tory Party recruitment tool

The Tory party today launched the Daily Mail litmus test for checking the suitability of prospective members of the Conservative Party. Eric Pickles has outlined the simplicity of the test "We give...

simonjmr 09.11.11 5:01pm
English Cricket Board surprised at request to intervene in Italian debt crisis 0
medici2471 09.11.11 4:40pm
Did Herman Hide the Sausage?

Did Herman Hide the Sausage? FBI sources have confirmed that Republican Candidate Herman Cain is being questioned about the 2005 disappearance of the Sausage, the tube-shaped diety that won the...

bobo lutz 09.11.11 4:30pm
Border Agency Blunder could have let in Any Number of Cat-Owners Warns May

Home Secretary, Theresa May, has admitted that she has no idea how many foreign cat owners may have been allowed into the country as a result of the unauthorised relaxation of border controls at UK...

Aberdeen Correspondent 09.11.11 4:15pm
Aberdeen Correspondent
Jimmy Savile fixes it for Jesus to kick Roman centurion up the arse

Leeds Diocese revealed today that Sir Jimmy Savile has fixed it for Jesus to deliver a good hard boot up the backside to a Roman legionnaire. The centurion in question, Lucius Pollo Castus, is...

Darkbill 2.0 09.11.11 4:04pm
Darkbill 2.0
Pilgrims flock to shrine of the Holy Savile

Thousands of afflicted people have descended on the Savile shrine in a Leeds grotto after rumours began circulating that the ex DJ's shell suit has 'miraculous' healing powers. There are now calls...

vertical 09.11.11 3:58pm
Liam Fox revealed as the new Dr Who ?

One month on, and being resigned to the fact that Dr Hillary will go 'on and on and on' as the resident Doctor on GMTV/Daybreak, Liam has taken up the offer of 'the new Dr Who', revealed Clax Mifford...

Bryan with a Y 09.11.11 3:48pm
Bryan with a Y
Destitute movie monsters The Skeleton and The Mummy forced into rag and boning 0
Spoinge 09.11.11 3:23pm
Greeks weigh up bailout offers on 9
Al OPecia 09.11.11 3:21pm
Al OPecia
Art Lovers clash with protesting students

Crowds of art lovers expected at the National Gallery to view its "blockbuster" Leonardo da Vinci show clashed angrily with Student Fees protestors. Tensions rose whne the student demonstration...

simonjmr 09.11.11 2:29pm
Biggins and Grant keep the 'camp' fires burning.

Professional campologist Chris Biggin threw down the hanky to Russell Grant today, in preparation for the release of pantomine tickets; as he vies for the position as the UK's No1 Dame. Upset by...

Bryan with a Y 09.11.11 2:27pm
Bryan with a Y
Aircraft Carrier-sized asteroid blamed for Russian Mars probe failure

Vladimir Popovkin, the head of the Russian space agency (Roscosmos), today firmly laid the blame for the failure of the Phobos-Grunt probe at the door of Asteroid 2055 YU55. Popovkin explained that...

Patrick Tobin 09.11.11 2:25pm
Patrick Tobin
Silvio's mother says, Silvio's busy, too busy to come to the phone......

you'll be singing it all day now...

charlies_hat 09.11.11 2:19pm
John Ffitch-Rucker
Alzheimer's Society donations soar following Kenny Dalglish post-match interview 0
Bryan with a Y 09.11.11 1:55pm
Bryan with a Y
Cowell : Frankie wouldn't blow my 'opportunity' so he had to go. 0
MADJEZ 09.11.11 1:40pm
Italian economist says debt crisis is default of the government 0
charlies_hat 09.11.11 1:38pm
Royal Navy 'flared trousers' to be phased out.

The MOD today called upon Royal Navy Chiefs to cut their cloth accordingly and reduce the width of flared trousers issued to new recruits. Although the new width would need to be ratified in...

Bryan with a Y 09.11.11 1:31pm
Bryan with a Y
British teenagers to have 2 minutes silence to remember the fallen in COD 1 & 2 0
charlies_hat 09.11.11 1:27pm
Cocozza wanted to be a popstar "from head to toes - starting with his nose". 0
Al OPecia 09.11.11 1:12pm
Al OPecia
FIFA bans Al Quaeda vests for Iraqi team 3
vertical 09.11.11 1:09pm
transaction void 0
virtuallywill 09.11.11 1:09pm
Poppies resign: sue for constructive dismissal

The bitter row over the right of the England team to wear poppies on their shirts today took a bizarre twist when a group of 18 poppies resigned. The 18, believed to be the group nominated to be...

Cameldancer 09.11.11 12:49pm
Murdoch’s beatification delayed as butter melting in mouth results questioned

Saint-in-waiting James Murdoch, son of Rupert the Blameless, has had his application for beatification delayed while crucial test results are re-analysed by a committee of malleable priests, or MPs....

Des Custard 09.11.11 12:48pm
Des Custard