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'Ability To Work' To Be Assessed By Independent Television

People's fitness for work is to be judged by Independent Television (ITV) hosted by Jeremy Kyle. Tasks will include 'standing up from a seated position' and 'rubbing your tummy whilst patting your...

mpaterson 19.11.11 5:27pm
Image of whey faced Chancellor found on pizza.

More to follow...

reforse 19.11.11 2:52pm
Gok Wan: 'Solar Flares Are Bang On Trend'. 0
mpaterson 19.11.11 2:44pm
Teacher hit golfballs at kids and says "they soon knew the 'fore' times tables".

There was outrage today at the controversial way that one Scottish school teacher 'fused' science, sport and maths to enrich the lives of the troubled kids under his care. Mr McEnemey (H'cap of 18),...

Bryan with a Y 19.11.11 2:30pm
Bryan with a Y
Chief Rabbi blames little gizmos for flaw in human nature.

Nothing to do with God, then...

John Ffitch-Rucker 19.11.11 12:52pm
Vince Cable Stolen For Scrap

MPs attending an evening debate on welfare reforms were delayed for four hours last night after thieves risked life and limb to steal Vince Cable outside Kings Cross. The rise in this type of crime...

mpaterson 19.11.11 12:25pm
D'Oliveira falls short of his century. More soon.

RIP Basil. A cricketing genius...

dominic_mcg 19.11.11 11:26am
......tumbleweed....... 0
Al OPecia 19.11.11 10:53am
Al OPecia
EU bans ‘alcohol makes you drunk’ claim...

after announcing that water could not be used to treat dehydration...

John Ffitch-Rucker 19.11.11 9:43am
John Ffitch-Rucker
Comic Sans used to prevent bank note fraud

Chief Cashier for the Bank of England Chris Salmon was proud to announce the latest tool in currency fraud prevention at the recent release of the new £50 note; the use of Comic Sans for all text. ...

kimllfixit 19.11.11 7:59am
Man who shook hands with Sepp Blatter apologises ‘for causing offence’

A man who yesterday shook hands with embattled FIFA president Sepp Blatter has sought to downplay the significance of his actions and apologise for any offence he may have caused. ‘It was never my...

Long Distance Clara 19.11.11 7:50am
Al OPecia
Music industry declares victory in battle against home taping

After thirty years of bitter struggle, jubilant music industry representatives today claimed a final victory in the battle against home taping. Their campaign, with its slogan "Home taping is...

Gong of Fur 18.11.11 11:05pm
Jimmy Savile book of euphemistic tributes to be launched for Christmas

Inspired by the outpouring of indifference and thinly disguised insults voiced by former colleagues and acquaintances of the late DJ and TV presenter, Sir Jimmy Savile, Oxbridge University Press is...

Clarky 18.11.11 10:48pm
The All New Jeni B
Tobin Denies Tax Proposal

Serial killer and rapist, Peter Tobin, has denied suggesting the imposition of a transaction tax, now supported by the Merkel-Sarkozy axis. "I may be a perverted psychopath", said Tobin, "but I'm...

Mike Turbine-Hamilton 18.11.11 10:06pm
Mike Turbine-Hamilton
Cameron and Merkel talks end in night of unbridled passion

Talks between UK PM David Cameron and German Chancellor Angela Merkel over the Eurozone crisis spilled over into a night of furious lovemaking. Initially, relations between the two leaders appeared...

Darkbill 2.0 18.11.11 9:21pm
Physicists measuring speed of light set to confirm existence of flying pigs

Physicists measuring the speed of neutrinos at CERN today have reported another case of the speed of light being exceeded. However, this time during the tests, members of the team witnessed what they...

kga6 18.11.11 9:11pm
Norfolk Police helicopter grounded as locals 'no longer point'.

Police in Norfolk have today announced the disbanding of their force helicopter. The move comes as the local criminal fraternity have discovered what the 'magic flying thing' was. 'The force...

Perks 18.11.11 8:57pm
Government announces meerkat cull after nationwide nausea epidemic. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 18.11.11 8:47pm
Ken Livingstone: "I didn't vote in the last series of X Factor"

Ken Livingstone has admitted that he didn't vote for Matt Cardle last year, claiming to have "never heard of him"...

mpaterson 18.11.11 8:34pm
Archbishop disappointed with same-sex wedding plans; wants to get married now

The archbishop of Westminster has expressed disappointment at government plans to introduce same-sex marriages in March 2012; "I don't want to wait; like many clergymen, we want to get married to our...

apepper 18.11.11 7:25pm
Jimmy Savile's grave topped off with concrete

"That's fixed it for him," says undertaker. "We just want to be sure he doesn't come back."...

Scroat 18.11.11 7:21pm
Neutrino found to have taken artificial stimulants, record wiped from books. 0
Immunis 18.11.11 6:54pm
Blatter - "I'd never say anything racist as most of my best friends are racists"

more handshakes later...

brownpaperreporter 18.11.11 6:48pm
Farmer to pay back subsidies after EU discovers he planted his wife. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 18.11.11 6:34pm
MoD spends £600m on consultants to decide who they can legally shoot

The Ministry of Defence has been criticised for wasting £600m on consultants, from a budget that could have been spent on ammunition, rendition flights and new sign posts for Royal Wootton Bassett....

18.11.11 6:09pm
Blatter suggests ending Stephen Lawrence trial with a handshake 11
Mark66 18.11.11 5:56pm
Long Distance Clara
MoD equipment purchasers to work at the front line

In a shock move by defence secretary Philip Hammond to improve the quality of equipment procurement, the civil servants that are responsible for purchasing military hardware are to be sent to the...

Immunis 18.11.11 5:52pm
Blatter to ban black people from wearing poppies. 0
John Ffitch-Rucker 18.11.11 4:55pm
John Ffitch-Rucker
Protestors take over USB...

now how will I connect my printer?...

John Ffitch-Rucker 18.11.11 4:53pm
John Ffitch-Rucker
I witness Tyrant Blatter finally run to ground: Foreign Latest

They gathered at dusk in the bars and restaurants of the teeming Zurich bazaar and by midnight President Blatter's HQ had been besieged and his bloodied corpse lay in the dusty street outside. I...

Drylaw 18.11.11 3:24pm