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Comic Sans used to prevent bank note fraud

Chief Cashier for the Bank of England Chris Salmon was proud to announce the latest tool in currency fraud prevention at the recent release of the new £50 note; the use of Comic Sans for all text. ...

kimllfixit 19.11.11 7:59am
Man who shook hands with Sepp Blatter apologises ‘for causing offence’

A man who yesterday shook hands with embattled FIFA president Sepp Blatter has sought to downplay the significance of his actions and apologise for any offence he may have caused. ‘It was never my...

Long Distance Clara 19.11.11 7:50am
Al OPecia
Music industry declares victory in battle against home taping

After thirty years of bitter struggle, jubilant music industry representatives today claimed a final victory in the battle against home taping. Their campaign, with its slogan "Home taping is...

Gong of Fur 18.11.11 11:05pm
Jimmy Savile book of euphemistic tributes to be launched for Christmas

Inspired by the outpouring of indifference and thinly disguised insults voiced by former colleagues and acquaintances of the late DJ and TV presenter, Sir Jimmy Savile, Oxbridge University Press is...

Clarky 18.11.11 10:48pm
The All New Jeni B
Tobin Denies Tax Proposal

Serial killer and rapist, Peter Tobin, has denied suggesting the imposition of a transaction tax, now supported by the Merkel-Sarkozy axis. "I may be a perverted psychopath", said Tobin, "but I'm...

Mike Turbine-Hamilton 18.11.11 10:06pm
Mike Turbine-Hamilton
Cameron and Merkel talks end in night of unbridled passion

Talks between UK PM David Cameron and German Chancellor Angela Merkel over the Eurozone crisis spilled over into a night of furious lovemaking. Initially, relations between the two leaders appeared...

Darkbill 2.0 18.11.11 9:21pm
Physicists measuring speed of light set to confirm existence of flying pigs

Physicists measuring the speed of neutrinos at CERN today have reported another case of the speed of light being exceeded. However, this time during the tests, members of the team witnessed what they...

kga6 18.11.11 9:11pm
Norfolk Police helicopter grounded as locals 'no longer point'.

Police in Norfolk have today announced the disbanding of their force helicopter. The move comes as the local criminal fraternity have discovered what the 'magic flying thing' was. 'The force...

Perks 18.11.11 8:57pm
Government announces meerkat cull after nationwide nausea epidemic. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 18.11.11 8:47pm
Ken Livingstone: "I didn't vote in the last series of X Factor"

Ken Livingstone has admitted that he didn't vote for Matt Cardle last year, claiming to have "never heard of him"...

mpaterson 18.11.11 8:34pm
Archbishop disappointed with same-sex wedding plans; wants to get married now

The archbishop of Westminster has expressed disappointment at government plans to introduce same-sex marriages in March 2012; "I don't want to wait; like many clergymen, we want to get married to our...

apepper 18.11.11 7:25pm
Jimmy Savile's grave topped off with concrete

"That's fixed it for him," says undertaker. "We just want to be sure he doesn't come back."...

Scroat 18.11.11 7:21pm
Neutrino found to have taken artificial stimulants, record wiped from books. 0
Immunis 18.11.11 6:54pm
Blatter - "I'd never say anything racist as most of my best friends are racists"

more handshakes later...

brownpaperreporter 18.11.11 6:48pm
Farmer to pay back subsidies after EU discovers he planted his wife. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 18.11.11 6:34pm
MoD spends £600m on consultants to decide who they can legally shoot

The Ministry of Defence has been criticised for wasting £600m on consultants, from a budget that could have been spent on ammunition, rendition flights and new sign posts for Royal Wootton Bassett....

18.11.11 6:09pm
Blatter suggests ending Stephen Lawrence trial with a handshake 11
Mark66 18.11.11 5:56pm
Long Distance Clara
MoD equipment purchasers to work at the front line

In a shock move by defence secretary Philip Hammond to improve the quality of equipment procurement, the civil servants that are responsible for purchasing military hardware are to be sent to the...

Immunis 18.11.11 5:52pm
Blatter to ban black people from wearing poppies. 0
John Ffitch-Rucker 18.11.11 4:55pm
John Ffitch-Rucker
Protestors take over USB...

now how will I connect my printer?...

John Ffitch-Rucker 18.11.11 4:53pm
John Ffitch-Rucker
I witness Tyrant Blatter finally run to ground: Foreign Latest

They gathered at dusk in the bars and restaurants of the teeming Zurich bazaar and by midnight President Blatter's HQ had been besieged and his bloodied corpse lay in the dusty street outside. I...

Drylaw 18.11.11 3:24pm
Rare Picasso portrait of German Chancellor entitled "Angular Merkel" discovered 0
simonjmr 18.11.11 3:06pm
Protesters admit error of inviting Josie Long to occupied UBS building

The occupiers of the deserted UBS offices admitted they 'should never have invited Josie Long to perform' in the building. Since the announcement, reports of almost half the occupying contingency...

ndbrown123 18.11.11 3:04pm
The "Peston" adopted as the international unit of measurement of smugness

The International Standards Authority has to day confirmed that the Peston will now sit alongside the metre, gram and second as a unit of measure. Absolute Peston is defined as 273kP, the rest of the...

grottymonty 18.11.11 2:56pm
"Won't pay? Then don't pay" says Treasury's Danny Alexander

Letters have gone out from HMRC to 6000 UK Swiss bank account holders, suspected of contributing to £14bn annual tax avoidance. "This tough no-nonsense letter sets out the options, asking two simple...

dvo4fun 18.11.11 2:55pm
Norfolk County Council outlaws 1
grottymonty 18.11.11 2:29pm
Cambridge and Oxford universities in row race 6
Screenie 18.11.11 2:05pm
Vatican launches Home Exorcism Kit

Pope Benedict XVI has given his seal of approval for a special self-exorcism kit that members of the general public can use to tackle their own personal demons. The kit, comprising of bell, book...

Ludicity 18.11.11 1:40pm
Arab League urges Syria stop shooting civilians.."Bombing much more effective" 0
hansens-scar 18.11.11 1:20pm
Ex MI5 chief Manningham-Buller sends out for pizza during Lords debate 0
hansens-scar 18.11.11 1:15pm