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James Herbert funeral to have sex scene about a third of the way through

In a poignant statement, the family of deceased horror writer James Herbert announced today that the author's funeral will contain a "full-on sex scene about a third of the way in", followed, after...

Midnight Dreary 20.03.13 11:19pm
Big Ben
Tom Tom ends unsuccessful endorsement deal with One Direction... 0
deskpilot3 20.03.13 11:04pm
Jim Davidson arrested on comedy charges 3
AReader 20.03.13 10:53pm
Li-Lo advised to Li-Lo on a Li-Lo

Troubled 26 year old actress Lindsay Lohan was told by her frustrated Del Air Prosecutor today “You don’t seem to understand, we’re all worried about you, and just want you well again.” To...

Big Ben 20.03.13 10:50pm
Big Ben
Blow to Osborne as Haiti refuses to cancel UK's debt 0
Terry 20.03.13 10:45pm
Pope on a Rope to make global Christmas comeback

"Soap on a Rope", that trusty 60's shower room accessory and stocking filler of last resort, is understood to have inspired a remarkable vatican enterprise just in time for next Christmas. In an...

BewsNiscuit 20.03.13 10:42pm
Tearful George Osborne “enormously grateful for all the suggestions”

The Chancellor of the Exchequer spoke movingly in the Commons today about the sheer volume of helpful advice he received when writing the Budget. “Clearly, the views of constituents are useful, but...

dvo4fun 20.03.13 10:42pm
Cyprus to boost honey production in "Plan Bee"

More to follow...

apepper 20.03.13 10:31pm
Less schools teaching grammar 2
Terry 20.03.13 10:14pm
Michael Owen: Simply the best

“Michael Owen: simply the best. So spoke casualty nurse Steven Oakes late last night when asked to reflect on the former footballers numerous appearances in A&E throughout his career. “Oh...

irreverendJ 20.03.13 10:05pm
Midnight Dreary
Roles reversed as altar boy kisses the Pope’s ring 1
Gary Gonads 20.03.13 10:00pm
1p a pint cut in beer duty triggers wild celebrations all over UK 0
custard cream 20.03.13 9:37pm
custard cream
Man with nervous tic buys four houses at auction by accident 0
Gary Gonads 20.03.13 9:30pm
Gary Gonads
Diet plan promising 100% loss of bodyweight is flawed, say critics.

Nutritionists working in the United States claim a new diet plan will allow followers to lose 100% of their unsightly body weight. “Never before has a diet system been able to promise so much,”...

CulchaVulcha 20.03.13 8:33pm
Osborne to impose tax on people who can't spell his name

No 'U' turn...

Terry 20.03.13 7:49pm
Budget Rating Agencies upgrade Britain from Omnishambles to Oligoshambles. 0
reforse 20.03.13 6:22pm
Fantasy Football manager to get opportunity to manage Blackburn

Blackburn today have announced that Steve Kean will be sacked immediately as managaer following the diasterous start to the 2011 / 12 Premiership season. The Indian poultry and pharmaceutical giants...

simonjmr 20.03.13 4:21pm
Midfield Diamond
Science news: aN element of confusion discovered in periodic table. 7
sigmund 20.03.13 2:39pm
Wine Drinkers Riot As Chancellor Announces Free Beer for The Workers 0
Titus 20.03.13 2:28pm
Government's 'Christmas Boxes' for troops will be mostly coffin-shaped 0
dvo4fun 20.03.13 1:58pm
Osbourne to set budget 'Deal or No Deal" style twenty-two sealed red boxes

Voters choose which budget they want...

Ian Searle 20.03.13 1:39pm
Gordon Ramsey opens new ‘swear at your table’ restaurant...

Famously foul-mouthed celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsey, has opened a new restaurant with a contemporary twist. Diners can discover, at first hand, what it’s like to work long hours for low pay in a...

Tripod 20.03.13 1:21pm
Shoe found on high street 3
Truebiscuit 20.03.13 1:17pm
Osborne to announce joint venture between NHS and Match Attax

In an effort to increase commercial pressures within the NHS, the Chancellor, in his budget today, is set to announce a joint venture with Match Attax trading cards which will encourage operating...

Terry 20.03.13 1:16pm
Vatican receives over 2000 complaints that papal inauguration mocked Blackadder

The ridiculous costumes and outdated forms of speech were clearly designed to make fun of one of the most beloved sit-coms of all time...

Ian Searle 20.03.13 1:10pm
Ian Searle
20% off everything now at Cyp 'R' Us. 0
Boutros 20.03.13 12:32pm
Pandas and Seals expected to be hit hard in IWF budget

George O'Spawn, vice-president of the International Wildlife Fund (IWF), has said that he will "tackle the wildlife's problems head on" in his budget later on today. He said the IWF will not back...

Not Amused 20.03.13 11:59am
Not Amused
Lame Pistorian jokes inspire new Paralympic sport

More later...

sydalg 20.03.13 11:23am
Hot horny lesbians fail to invite balding middle-aged guy to join in

The world of casual troilism was turned on its head yesterday – and not in a good way – when a slightly overweight middle-aged man was shunned by two firm-breasted horny lesbians after walking in...

SugarTits69 20.03.13 11:14am
Pencil manufacturer objects to being referred to as 'his nibs'. 0
Ian Searle 20.03.13 10:59am
Ian Searle