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RMT threatens shite and go for commuters

Desperate to combat planned attacks on pensions, RMT boss Bob Crow says that some union hardliners have been receiving covert training in an ancient Korean martial art. No Kan Do (pronounded [i]no...

vertical 04.10.11 8:25am
Odd job man hired by surrealist

anchovy pyjamas...

nickb 04.10.11 8:06am
John Ffitch-Rucker
World's largest telescope completed; "May see light at end of tunnel."

The Atacama large milllimetre/submillimetre array (ALMA) in Chile is the largest, most complex telescope ever built. The director of the telescope has optimistic expectations: "ALMA will be able to...

apepper 04.10.11 7:45am
Isaac Newton finally to receive Nobel Prize. Next time Archimedes. 0
Ostsee 04.10.11 7:32am
OJ and Foxy Knoxy both 'strangely hesitant' about pairing 0
pere floza 04.10.11 6:50am
pere floza
Celebrity crime rate rises as Aktinson's daughter steals spotlight at film show 0
Ian Searle 04.10.11 6:42am
Ian Searle
Judges say no to hard Knox life

Adding, "the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar"...

Ian Searle 04.10.11 6:39am
Ian Searle
Paperboy Shortage Hits as All Teenagers Go to University

With university fees set to rise from next year, every child leaving school this year has applied for a place on any course offered, just so they don't miss out. Parent, Julia Smith says, "It's like...

kga6 04.10.11 6:21am
England full time alcoholic blames IRB for blighting his career

England hooligan and bon viveur, mike cuteo, today lambasted the old codgers at the, International Rugby Board for demanding too much from england's full time internationally acclaimed, superstars...

kevinkp 04.10.11 12:01am
Man dies after eating an Apple a day

A 19 year old man died yesterday, after being advised to eat an apple a day by his doctor. Wayne Chavley was rushed to hospital after consuming 2 iphones, 3 ipads and a macbook air over the course of...

Perks 03.10.11 11:38pm
Hull ex-offender's scheme shows making life easy for people cuts down crime

The Hull initiative, instead of giving people their full punishment, provides them with free training, guaranteed employment in a range of social enterprises and a share in the companies profits....

Screenie 03.10.11 11:17pm
SMEs look forward to ficticious billions from career-politician bullshitters

Small and medium enterprises across the UK are said to be delighted that "Billions will be made available to us" thanks to David Camerona and George Osborne as they unveiled the Observver book of...

antharrison 03.10.11 10:28pm
Apple to sue Kate Moss

'She's thin, white and pleasing on the eye. I'm damn sure we did that first,' explained a spokesman...

Screenie 03.10.11 9:57pm
R Kelly finally concedes that he probably can’t fly

R&B singer, songwriter, producer and alleged kiddy-fiddler R Kelly has finally admitted after 15 years that he can’t fly. The American music star had repeatedly stated over the last decade and...

Vertically Challenged Giant 03.10.11 9:36pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Elderly Smoking Pimp is disgusted at retirement home's Hoes-N-Pipe Ban 0
Perks 03.10.11 9:33pm
R Kelly to record album of Dr Seuss-inspired songs

Noted American rap star R Kelly (real name, Robert Sylvester Kelly) is proving once again that he has a unique connection with young people by collaborating on an album of new material with the...

bonjonelson 03.10.11 9:32pm
Foxy Knoxy to give exclusive 'let's find the real killer' statement via sponsor 0
ronseal 03.10.11 9:31pm
Daily Mail written by immigrants

In a shock to the publishing world, the Telegraph newspaper claims to have evidence that the Daily Mail is not written in the UK at all, but in third world sweat shops. After years of claiming that...

03.10.11 9:19pm
Cameron: It's all someone else's fault.

The prime minister told Andrew Marr today that he understood that ordinary people were feeling the impact of rising energy prices, the cost of the family shop, and the wage freezes in the public...

deskpilot3 03.10.11 8:35pm
Drivers in M56 tailback pretending it’s a big bucks Hollywood disaster movie

Motorists in a huge 10km tailback on the M56 near Ellesmere Port got out of their cars and began pacing up and down like they were extras in some ridiculously unnecessary Hollywood disaster flick...

Gary Stanton 03.10.11 7:56pm
Gary Stanton
Osbourne pledges £50m for graphite research: Headlines to write themselves

George Osbourne has provided the lead for his own bullets with a cock-up to match Eric Pickles' omission of cheese from his last cheese on toast. The witless Chancellor, no stranger to tackling...

kga6 03.10.11 7:30pm
Pharmacist of the Year hopefuls make it through to Boots Camp

[More soon]...

dicky37 03.10.11 7:12pm
Newspaper for the hearing impaired will be entirely in capital letters


nickb 03.10.11 7:11pm
ITV launches new reality show for cataract patients: Scars in their eyes. 1
dominic_mcg 03.10.11 7:10pm
Hospitals told to expect more cuts in self harming units. More soon. 2
dominic_mcg 03.10.11 7:09pm
Man suspended for carrying banana through office

Tony Vail, an accounts assistant from Harrow, is facing sexual misconduct charges for carrying a banana through his office in what his victims describe as ‘a sustained campaign of implicit explicit...

Qoxiivi 03.10.11 7:09pm
Online journalist redundancies mean many headlines are not being 6
bonjonelson 03.10.11 7:03pm
EU supports M25 campaign for “anti-clockwise” to be known as ”the other way”

Roadworks (the M25 supporters group) have convinced the EU that the M25 is shown in a poor light when half of it is referred to in such an aggressive way. They argued that the term...

Gary Baldy 03.10.11 7:02pm
Greetings Card's Accessory Salesman of the Year hailed for 'pushing the envelope 3
ronseal 03.10.11 7:01pm
Amanda Knox to be burned at the stake after losing appeal

Judges agree with prosecutors and demand "Burn, burn, burn the witch!"...

Waggys Dog 03.10.11 6:54pm
Waggys Dog