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Osbourne pledges £50m for graphite research: Headlines to write themselves

George Osbourne has provided the lead for his own bullets with a cock-up to match Eric Pickles' omission of cheese from his last cheese on toast. The witless Chancellor, no stranger to tackling...

0
kga6 03.10.11 7:30pm
kga6
Pharmacist of the Year hopefuls make it through to Boots Camp

[More soon]...

5
dicky37 03.10.11 7:12pm
writinginbsl
Newspaper for the hearing impaired will be entirely in capital letters

MORE SOON!...

2
nickb 03.10.11 7:11pm
Screenie
ITV launches new reality show for cataract patients: Scars in their eyes. 1
dominic_mcg 03.10.11 7:10pm
writinginbsl
Hospitals told to expect more cuts in self harming units. More soon. 2
dominic_mcg 03.10.11 7:09pm
Screenie
Man suspended for carrying banana through office

Tony Vail, an accounts assistant from Harrow, is facing sexual misconduct charges for carrying a banana through his office in what his victims describe as ‘a sustained campaign of implicit explicit...

21
Qoxiivi 03.10.11 7:09pm
writinginbsl
Online journalist redundancies mean many headlines are not being 6
bonjonelson 03.10.11 7:03pm
writinginbsl
EU supports M25 campaign for “anti-clockwise” to be known as ”the other way”

Roadworks (the M25 supporters group) have convinced the EU that the M25 is shown in a poor light when half of it is referred to in such an aggressive way. They argued that the term...

1
Gary Baldy 03.10.11 7:02pm
writinginbsl
Greetings Card's Accessory Salesman of the Year hailed for 'pushing the envelope 3
ronseal 03.10.11 7:01pm
writinginbsl
Amanda Knox to be burned at the stake after losing appeal

Judges agree with prosecutors and demand "Burn, burn, burn the witch!"...

0
Waggys Dog 03.10.11 6:54pm
Waggys Dog
World record traffic queue – Caravan Club delighted

The congestion on the A30 at the weekend has landed Mr. Alan Collingwood in the record books. It was his caravan that held up a world record 176 cars as he trundled his way slowly back from the West...

2
Midfield Diamond 03.10.11 6:52pm
writinginbsl
Greeks announce end of economic crisis-government will 'take in lodger' 0
writinginbsl 03.10.11 6:51pm
writinginbsl
Pickles vows to strengthen Green Belt...

after his black leather one gave up under the strain...

0
John Ffitch-Rucker 03.10.11 6:49pm
John Ffitch-Rucker
Tory Conference: Pickles announces burger subsidy, to appeal to wider audience. 0
kga6 03.10.11 5:57pm
kga6
Lunch boxes to contain meat and two veg, government decrees 0
Clarky 03.10.11 5:21pm
Clarky
Danish rasher message targets fatties

As well as a ‘fat tax’, the government of Denmark is introducing a new system for marking bacon. Instead of having ‘Danish’ written all over it, the message will now read, 'Put me down, you...

0
Clarky 03.10.11 5:00pm
Clarky
New manager pledges to return Nottingham Forest to Divison 3 'imminently' 21
Mr Payne 03.10.11 4:33pm
Screenie
Wenger targets top seventeen finish...

With Arsenal's current run of bad form continuing, Arsene Wenger has conceded that soon, the only reason he will need to visit Europe, is to catch up with elderly relativesadding wryly that some of...

0
spoole2112 03.10.11 4:11pm
spoole2112
O.J. Simpson to play Michael Jackson's doctor in biopic of singer's death 0
JayGee 03.10.11 4:02pm
JayGee
Man is still left pondering if he's an Americano drinker

After weeks of self-analysis and soul searching, IT consultant Bill Mason (24) is still left pondering if he's a cappuccino or an Americano man. He explains that he's always been a regular size...

0
roybland 03.10.11 3:38pm
roybland
New Kate Moss cosmetics to be sold by the gramme

More soon (but possibly not)...

3
dvo4fun 03.10.11 3:27pm
Alma telescope identifies unexplained particles on Peter Crouch's head.

In a departure from its quest to resolve the mystery of the Cosmic Dawn, the world's most complex telescope has inadvertantly stumbled accross the answer to another question that has baffled top...

1
spoole2112 03.10.11 3:05pm
Screenie
Pound Shops near you are now dealing in Euro Bonds

Consumers in Liverpool and Hull already own 15% of the total number of EU bonds on issue. A spokesman for Pound Shops (UK) said, "We realized that major stakes in EU states are now affordable to the...

0
Tom55 03.10.11 2:56pm
Tom55
NEWCASTLE COUPLE SCOOP £10 ON LOTTO

IT was celebrations all round in the North East of England last night as Newcastle couple Kevin and Donna-Marie Hannaway matched 3 numbers on the Lotto main draw and won £10. Kevin,(32) and...

9
delightfullyodd 03.10.11 12:36pm
dvo4fun
Scorsese's Ringo Starr epic to be a DVD extra on George Harrison documentary 0
Iamthestig 03.10.11 12:35pm
Iamthestig
Chancellor Osborne "We're the party of small businesses" is to start with Nissan 0
dvo4fun 03.10.11 12:22pm
dvo4fun
No early tax cuts, claims George Osborne; We don't get up till after lunch. 0
Screenie 03.10.11 12:17pm
Screenie
Government unveils plans for a dribbling, incontinent workforce

The government have unveiled their plans for a dribbling, incontinent workforce by removing the statutory retirement age and raising the state pension age to 95 The upper classes have welcomed the...

0
suepersonic 03.10.11 11:39am
suepersonic
Wally with the Brolly ends Reign 1
Midfield Diamond 03.10.11 10:43am
Midfield Diamond
Council houses to be frozen once more this year

Following an upturn in hypothermia related deaths in late 2010, Chancellor Gideon Osborne has announced plans to freeze council houses for a second year in succession, a move that he hopes will...

3
spoole2112 03.10.11 10:41am
Screenie