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Cancer scare over as Michael Douglas coughs up a fur ball. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 11.06.13 7:12pm
Ryanair To Launch "Super Low-cost Service" Using Recovered Dornier

Countdown to new "Glenn Miller" service to France has begun, says Pilot Officer Vorderman...

Mike Turbine-Hamilton 11.06.13 6:38pm
Tesco deer head found to contain traces of horse-play. More soon. 0
Al OPecia 11.06.13 6:36pm
Al OPecia
NHS chief backs plans for right to die

In a hard hitting speech today, Sir David Nicholson KGB CBE backed new proposals for the assisted suicide of patients with uncomfortable conditions on long waiting lists. "In a compassion society",...

blacklesbianandproudofit 11.06.13 6:26pm
Angelina announces plans for hystericalectomy

It doesn't matter if its in poor taste, as long as it's fanny...

blacklesbianandproudofit 11.06.13 6:15pm
Alex Jones admits to Andrew Neil he uses CGI when he presents the one show 0
Scronnyglonkle 11.06.13 4:54pm
Children to be replaced in education shake up

Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced that children are to be replaced in state schools. Speaking today in the House of Commons, Gove said: "We need to reform our education system to...

monkeyrepublic 11.06.13 4:21pm
Law abiding citizens have "nothing to fear" from the secret police, says Kim. 1
Blake 11.06.13 3:53pm
Stones ban Northerners from concerts due to high mortality rating 0
sydalg 11.06.13 3:24pm
Kepler space telescope finally locates Alex Jones's home planet

After years of intensive searching, NASA believes it has finally located the planet that Alex Jones is actually from. 'A growing number of people had expressed to us an interest in finding out 'what...

Qoxiivi 11.06.13 2:11pm
Govesworth he sa educashun academics are ‘Enemies of Promise’ chiz

Michael govesworth, a former pupil at st custards skool somewhere in England who is now the educashun secretry, hav responded angrily to 100 academics who sined a leter to The Independent newspaper...

Oxbridge 11.06.13 1:50pm
John Wiltshire
EDL condemns attacks on muslims: 'That's our job!'

A spokesthug for the EDL today might have condemned attacks on muslims. From his cage at Whipsnade Zoo, Frankie 'Mad Psycho Axeman' Smith said: 'Other man hit muslim - bad! EDL man hit muslim -...

John Wiltshire 11.06.13 1:06pm
John Wiltshire
Bilderberg basically just Animal House, claims insider

Departing attendees have expressed disappointment that the rules of secrecy around the Bilderberg Group have been broken, after an anonymous whistle-blower told the media that the weekend has been...

Andrew Alexander 11.06.13 12:59pm
Midfield Diamond
RAF recover German bomber; hope to restart World War 2 "by 2019"

Sources for the RAF have enthused over the recovery of a Dornier Do-17 bomber from the English channel. "This is the missing piece; now we can start the reconstruction of all the wartime aircraft...

apepper 11.06.13 12:47pm
Sperm Bank Crisis Prompts Panic Withdrawals

More to come...

Iggy Pop-Barker 11.06.13 12:17pm
Iggy Pop-Barker
Warwick Davis short listed as next Doctor Who

As speculation mounts over the twelfth coming, bookies have identified a shock front runner for this coveted position in TV's go-to-dwarf, Warwick Davies. With a long list of sci-fi performances...

acwanaut 11.06.13 12:01pm
Biased media must stop portraying me as a lunatic, demands EDL nutter 0
Andrew Alexander 11.06.13 11:41am
Andrew Alexander
Lloyds admits inadequate condensation for PPI mis-spelling victims. More soon. 2
Al OPecia 11.06.13 11:20am
NHS to offer move south to 74-year-olds in bid to cut early death rate 0
weematt 11.06.13 11:02am
Local Council outlaws Natural Selection

Following a successful campaign to dye toxic pools black to deter swimmers, High Peak Borough has decided to extend the scheme to include other potential dangers. Changing the pictorial...

Wrenfoe 11.06.13 11:00am
swearing policeman tells IPCC to PICC off 1
victimms 11.06.13 10:44am
New GCSEs: Numeracy to be graded A – G, Literacy from 8 – 1. 0
weematt 11.06.13 10:26am
Gove to match rival nations' education with 19th century/Shakespeare led GCSE's 0
weematt 11.06.13 10:24am
It's grim up North but still better than living in Wales 0
irreverendJ 11.06.13 9:44am
Dambusters anniversary celebrations successful 0
NewBiscuit 11.06.13 9:24am
UK economy improves to 'atrocious' rating 0
custard cream 11.06.13 9:08am
custard cream
Rolling Stones to charge people for breathing at Glastonbury

The Rolling Stones have announced that they will charge £50 per person for breathing at Glastonbury. 'We gotta make some dough, man,' said a spokesperson for Sir Mick Jagger's spokesperson's PA's...

John Wiltshire 11.06.13 8:58am
Job of Education Secretary to be made more rigorous

The government today outlined plans to make the job of Secretary of State for Education more rigorous so that only the very best candidates will be considered for the role. In a statement, the...

johnnydobbo 11.06.13 7:51am
BBC apologises for frequent "tits" references in Springwatch

The BBC received 176 complaints about its flagship nature programme, Springwatch, last night as viewers expressed outrage at the frequent number of references to tits. In the one hour programme,...

Erwin Spatula-Ng 11.06.13 7:44am
Erwin Spatula-Ng
Cameron fury at hearing that GCHQ operations are legal

David Cameron went into meltdown yesterday after hearing William Hague promise that all GCHQ operations are legal. 'What the hell's the good of that?' he roared. 'A legal spy operation? Whoever...

John Wiltshire 11.06.13 7:43am
John Wiltshire