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Surviving workers suggest Primark pay compensation upfront as "decent wages" 0
Sir Lupus 02.05.13 9:57am
Sir Lupus
Ronnie O’Sullivan retires, un-retires, retires again during mid-session interval

Enigmatic reigning World Snooker Champion, Ronnie O’Sullivan, today retired, changed his mind and then reverted to his original decision again during the 10-minute break between sessions in his...

Long Distance Clara 02.05.13 9:39am
The next passenger to arrive at platform 3...

The next passenger to arrive at platform 3 is the 02/04/13 passenger Mr Bob Alderdice traveling to Denton. This passenger will call at Teeside Airport, Dorking West and Denton. This passenger will...

irreverendJ 02.05.13 5:59am
Google Street View figure arrested for voyeurism 0
Dick Everyman 02.05.13 5:50am
Dick Everyman
Operation Yewtree jurisdiction 'complicated' by Barlow

Confusion reigns at Police HQ as officers and the accused alike remain unsure whether the Operation Yewtree accusations and charges are to be applied to Ken Barlow or Bill Roach. “We’re not...

Newsquelch 02.05.13 5:47am
Subsidised patches to wean bees off neonicotinoids

Following a Europe-wide ban on neonicotinoids, bees are to be offered patches to help them cope with withdrawal. Representatives of the pharmaceuticals industry have complained that other devices,...

monkeyrepublic 02.05.13 5:39am
David Tennant shock confession: "I am identical triplets"

The ubiquitous actor David Tennant has confessed to being three identical siblings, via a statement from his agent. “I regret misleading the public in this way, and blame my heartfelt ambition to...

nickb 02.05.13 5:29am
Dick Everyman
William Roache: "If she'd accepted she was pure love it wouldn't have happened." 0
Idiot 01.05.13 9:28pm
Evidence that soap star Roache has lived up to his name 0
topfotogmw 01.05.13 8:59pm
'Dutch Roundabouts an Abomination' says Mary Whitehouse.

The news that London will 'road test' Dutch roundabout systems has evoked outrage from Mary Whitehouse, daughter of famous prude, Mary Whitehouse. Interviewed earlier today, the spinster do-gooder...

No Beard 01.05.13 6:33pm
Google to launch rival to the Large Hadron Collider

Google announced today that they will be launching their own version of the Large Hadron Collider later in the year. A spokesman said: 'Like all our versions of other people's ideas, it won't look...

John Wiltshire 01.05.13 6:28pm
Why do white people love to call each other the R word, asks Reginald D Hunter

Nervous liberal minded whites have been "doing a reginald" and started calling themselves taboo names, in a bid to rid the perjorative terms of their hurtful meaning. Pasty faced caucasians,...

ronseal 01.05.13 5:57pm
"Coronation Street" To Be Renamed "Gropecunt Lane" 0
Mike Turbine-Hamilton 01.05.13 5:22pm
Mike Turbine-Hamilton
Barnet fans ‘disappointed’ that EU neonicotinoid ban came too late to save Bees

Supporters of Barnet Football Club, whose nickname is the Bees, have criticised the European Commission for taking too long to ban neonicotinoids. Fifteen countries recently voted in favour of a ban...

Midfield Diamond 01.05.13 5:08pm
Midfield Diamond
Davvid Icke's sense of reality to be fitted with GPS tag

Scientists are planning to fit David Icke's grasp of what is real with a GPS tag to discover if it ever approaches planet Earth. "It is unlikely to get closer than several million miles.", explained...

apepper 01.05.13 4:54pm
Dementia patients to be loaded with Angry Birds

In a controversial move by Sussex authorities, the elderly are to be loaded with popular phone games Angry Birds and Candy Crush to make them less boring. The latest move follows the recent...

monkeyrepublic 01.05.13 4:03pm
NRA stands firm on America's right to use neonicotinoids

The NRA in America has reacted strongly to the European ban on neonicotinoids. "It is the God-given right of every American" said their speaker George W Fahrenheit XI, "to kill bees by any means...

blacklesbianandproudofit 01.05.13 3:38pm
Man Says . . . . / . . ; Morse Soon

(Completely ripped off from Sinnick. So blame him.) In order to be even remotely funny - or at least satirical - probably needs to be expanded, perhaps to something like 'Isle of Wight...

Titus 01.05.13 3:20pm
Privatised "Nudge Unit" renamed "Nudge Nudge Wink Wink Unit"

Say no more...

olddoc 01.05.13 3:09pm
New UKIP scandal as candidate accused of giving Vulcan salute

They deny having Klingon tendencies...

Ian Searle 01.05.13 2:24pm
Ian Searle
BBC Newsreader's criminal past "mere Alagiahtions" says spokesman 0
Drylaw 01.05.13 2:17pm
Optimistic memorabilia collector auctions Jimmy The Hoover autograph. 0
sredni vashta 01.05.13 2:12pm
sredni vashta
Police wrap up historic abuse probe - moving on to 'classic & legendary' phase 1
Idiot 01.05.13 2:03pm

Soccer fans queue up to remind Mourinho that he is most loved in Somalia, Afghanistan, the Moon etc etc more soon...

spa99ers 01.05.13 2:01pm
Ball-bearing to communicate with life in outer space…

Scientists at Durham University are planning to launch a ball bearing into space, with hope it might reach potential life outside of our solar system. The plan is to inscribe the ball bearing with...

McKenzie 01.05.13 1:30pm
Glasgow Man on trampoline tries to down an Airbus A320. More soon. 0
Al OPecia 01.05.13 12:19pm
Al OPecia
Michael Fish apologises to NASA after Saturn hurricane fiasco

Freelance weatherman, Michael Fish, issued an unreserved apology to NASA this morning after their $28b Cassini spacecraft was badly damaged in a Saturn hurricane. Fish, who had predicted Saturn...

Lenny Bee 01.05.13 11:48am
Lenny Bee
Ron Atkinson discovered working as a Reginald D Hunter tribute act 4
ronseal 01.05.13 10:23am
Lenny Bee
Householders terrified as ghost keeps returning, looking for his bloody keys

A family is living in fear of a ghost who has been constantly returning to their house, looking for his bloody keys. Though initially benevolent, the spectre has become increasingly irritable. In one...

ronseal 01.05.13 10:19am
Lenny Bee
Ministers 'must work harder' for foie gras

In move that will upset Human Rights activists, Britain’s prisoners insist that Coalition Ministers must start to work harder for their privileges. From November, Ministers must "actively earn...

Wrenfoe 01.05.13 9:32am