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River fails water quality test because too many broken hearts have fallen in it

A pressure group, Surfers Against Sewerage, have also complained that too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea, causing a hazard for shipping. A spokesperson for the water company explained,...

Ian Searle 14.06.13 10:29pm
Tories To Abolish Level Playing Fields, Due To Not Enough 'Them and Us'

Calls for bringing back the monocle., 'Yeh, that's right', says Clegg...

Jesse Bigg 14.06.13 10:22pm
Jesse Bigg
Disability groups demand action as survey finds 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy 1
blacklesbianandproudofit 14.06.13 6:56pm
sredni vashta
Erdogan threatens Turkish Wombles

In what some commentators see as a "final warning", Turkey's Prime Minister has issued a demand for the protesting Wombles to vacate the central park in Istanbul. So far plans to redevelop the green...

Wrenfoe 14.06.13 6:52pm
Lindy Moone
Startling Report Suggests it is Time we Began Taking Cancer Seriously

After a concerning new report revealed that 50% of the UK population will definitely have some form of cancer by 2020, pharmaceutical companies have temporarily halted their quest for a remedy for...

ChairmanMouth 14.06.13 12:18am
ACDC finally salute those currently rocking and those who have rocked recently 1
Idiot 13.06.13 11:56pm
China Says No to Eggplant

Eggplant or aubergine as its more commonly know in the UK has unwittingly found itself at the centre of a controversy in China. A recent attempt by retailers to introduce the vegetable to Chinese...

ChairmanMouth 13.06.13 11:26pm
Doping to be offered to amateur cyclists in bid to promote equality in the sport 0
JoeBradley 13.06.13 11:03pm
Archbishop says Banks Should Have Hell to Pay

The Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Reverended* Justin Welby, has urged the UK's banks to embrace morality and 'be good. Good as gold -- erm, silver erm, what is our economy based on, does anyone...

Lindy Moone 13.06.13 10:31pm
Consternation as mass killer turns out to be cheerful, outgoing type

Commentators are left disappointed and bewildered as eighteen-year-old Howard Bell, of Youngstown, Ohio, who gunned down fourteen people with his semi-automatic rifle, is described as “an average...

sydalg 13.06.13 9:19pm
Abortion Clinic Fails Equality Targets

An abortion clinic and pregnancy crisis centre has been told it must do more to diversify its clientele or risk losing its funding. The centre, based in Cambridge, has been given two months by the...

MaryJoKopechne 13.06.13 8:00pm
Psycadelic Squirrel
Murdoch in Deng Ding Dong. More soon. 0
Al OPecia 13.06.13 6:32pm
Al OPecia
Inspired by Putin, George Osborne gives speech in English 0
sydalg 13.06.13 5:50pm
UKIP launches BBC policy, Farage speaks to the nation.

Nigel Farage spoke out today, beer in one hand electronic cigarette in the other, about the "outrageous anti-British stance" of the BBC. "I am particularly outraged about the employment of Foreign...

Al OPecia 13.06.13 5:49pm
Al OPecia
Alphabet in crisis due to plunge in number of Bs. More soon. 0
Al OPecia 13.06.13 5:37pm
Al OPecia
The Prince of Wales to be scrapped in funding review

After a funding review, the Government today announced plans for Prince Charles to be scrapped by 2017, and in addition, for Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex, to be ‘mothballed’ for a decade, or...

suki 13.06.13 4:56pm
fun and games
RBS Pharaoh demands 2,000 employees be buried with him

Stephen Hester, or King Tut Tut the Third of RBS, has decreed that 2,000 former servants from the bank’s investment arm be buried alongside him in a specially designed pyramid. It is understood...

Darkbill 2.0 13.06.13 4:09pm
Volkswagen finally recalls 1963 Beetle. 0
Maverick 13.06.13 4:04pm
Police investigate curious goings on in Devon meadow.

Details are emerging of a curious story regarding the upkeep of a meadow in rural Devon. A local man, Arthur Jackson, had been hired by the council to mow the meadow once a week and on the first week...

sredni vashta 13.06.13 3:59pm
Prince Philip and Mandela sign organ donation pact 0
sydalg 13.06.13 3:40pm
New App will make sexual intercourse a reality for millions

Coming soon! Lovers worldwide are set to seal their passionate romance by enjoying full sexual intercourse over the internet. Pioneered by Silicon Valley upcomer USqueeze, the new app will allow...

Lenny Bee 13.06.13 3:02pm
Lenny Bee
WW1 Centennial commemoration plans announced.

Americans due to attend in 2017...

Zen 13.06.13 12:13pm
Midfield Diamond
HMRC investigate Google's taxes by Googling 'Google's taxes'

Martin Nunn, head of HMRC's Corporate Tax division, today responded to criticism about HMRC's lack of action against Google, who yet again have not paid any tax. At a press conference today, Mr Nunn...

John Wiltshire 13.06.13 11:46am
John Wiltshire
Cameron "Sold off UK summer in 2011"

It's been revealed that David Cameron sold off the British summer 2 years ago to try and pay off some of the national debt. Meteorologists said that explains why we've been going straight from a wet...

apepper 13.06.13 11:43am
Facebook now to include the “secret of fire”

Pleased by the success of including hashtagging within their social network, Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg has decided to roll out a series of innovative technological advances. First...

Wrenfoe 13.06.13 11:41am
Lindy Moone
NSA chief says PRISM protects World of Warcraft

General Alexander has revealed that the U.S.’s massive surveillance programme has been mainly geared towards protecting online gamers from having their “characters hacked”. “Dozens” of...

Wrenfoe 13.06.13 11:30am
Passenger averts plane crash after reading motivational quote on Facebook

A passenger on board flight BA16 to Madrid became an unlikely hero yesterday as he successfully wrestled with the controls of the stricken plane. Tim Nolan, stationery sales executive from Windsor,...

suki 13.06.13 11:27am
Chancellor boots Hester because 'bank was too expensive to sell'.

George Osborne has ousted successful RBS boss Stephen Hester to make the bank cheaper to privatise, it was revealed today. "We have to offload this bank and frankly, who's going to buy it for 45...

Boutros 13.06.13 11:23am
Martin-Baker advertises vacancy for tester - small amount of travel involved 3
Smart Alex 13.06.13 10:47am
Google Doodle to commemorate the last time they paid any tax 0
ianslat 13.06.13 9:26am