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Swedish man trapped in car for two months blames central locking.

'It's amazing no-one in Tescøs car park noticed.'...

MADJEZ 19.02.12 11:06am
Optometrist glad that his glass is half-full 2
Smart Alex 19.02.12 11:01am
John Ffitch-Rucker
Man has dream that isn’t ‘weird’.

Early reports of a dream a man had last night could mark the beginning of a new stage in human evolution, say scientists. Until now, the ‘I had the weirdest dream last night’ introduction to a...

malgor 19.02.12 6:52am
Real world to be rearranged in accordance with actors preferences.

The real world today announced that it would rearrange itself in accordance with the beliefs and desires of the acting ‘profession’. “I finally realised that I’ve been mistaken,” said Mr....

John Ffitch-Rucker 19.02.12 6:06am
Nonsense-spouting "Sun on Sunday" will be perfect post-church read says Murdoch. 7
Haywood Manley 19.02.12 6:04am
Man evicted from fabric store after asking if he could get felt 5
Smart Alex 19.02.12 5:57am
Meaning of life is to find ways to distract yourself till you die 0
Dumbnews 19.02.12 5:47am
Scientists: man's best friend 'is seahorse, not dog'

Groundbreaking research by the University of the Scilly Isles has revealed what no man suspected or ever wanted to know: man's best friend is not the beloved dog, but the noble seahorse. A team of...

hughesroland 19.02.12 3:06am
Pope names 22 new ordinals - mathematicians delighted

More to follow...

apepper 19.02.12 3:01am
Queen in royal protocol horror - "curtsey" mis-heard as "goatse". 8
Haywood Manley 18.02.12 10:13pm
Haywood Manley
Referee shocked as footballer admits mistake

A referee expressed disbelief after a footballer admitted his tackle was a little out of order and that the referee had made a "fair call" by reprimanding the footballer and giving him a yellow card....

quango 18.02.12 10:11pm
Spokesman admits, 'Some average speed cameras actually not up to par' 2
Smart Alex 18.02.12 9:53pm
Daily Mail: cancer diagnosis 'leads to cancer'

More to come on this in the next day when I have a bit more inspiration...

hughesroland 18.02.12 8:51pm
UK's 'millions of comedians' force Theresa Green to change her name

A woman with the often ridiculed name Theresa Green has decided to change her name by deed poll. She states the main reason being a 'huge amount of fucking comedians in this country' Her parents,...

Perks 18.02.12 7:21pm
To fight obesity, McDonalds to replace employee uniforms with scrubs 0
Dumbnews 18.02.12 5:09pm
IoW health officials blame new popularity of Pong for rise in childhood obesity 0
button 18.02.12 4:29pm
Armitage Shanks to sue Rhyming Slang dictionary publishers 0
hughesroland 18.02.12 3:51pm
Average Argentine imagines Falklands look like this...

bugger. Sorry, chaps...

John Ffitch-Rucker 18.02.12 2:35pm
Met office issue cold war amber warning 0
button 18.02.12 1:01pm
Bideford council increases council tax to £800 and three Hail Marys. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 18.02.12 10:56am
Man caught playing Nick-Nack on a hen may be behind a string of similar offences 2
gaijintendo 18.02.12 10:27am
Iran: nuclear programme 'will produce world's most powerful kettle'

In an attempt to allay Western fears it is on the verge of producing a nuclear weapon, Iran says it is merely aiming to produce the world's most powerful kettle, heated by nuclear power. On...

hughesroland 18.02.12 8:07am
Haywood Manley
XXX Olympiad to feature Synchronised Muff Diving 8
Golgo13 17.02.12 11:40pm
Sean Penn fails to deny 'gay cocaine for quotes' Falklands rumour

Small-faced actor Sean Penn has so far failed to deny that he was given 'a massive bag of gay cocaine' in exchange for slagging off Her Majesty's Falklands. Until now, no-one has even suggested that...

17.02.12 10:48pm
BBC row: Newsreader Alagiah caught on camera giving weatherman the finger 0
Drylaw 17.02.12 10:38pm
"If you don't like The Artist you're probably stupid" say film critics.

Film critics have unanimously agreed that anyone who doesn't like the film The Artist, is probably the kind of slack jawed imbecile who finds Adam Sandler films hilarious, and thinks all trips to the...

Shandy 17.02.12 10:25pm
British Athlete facing life-time ban for using Heathrow travelator

London 2012 hopeful, Fergus Mason (33) has been removed from consideration for the British Olympic 100m squad and could be banned from the sport for life after tests revealed his qualifying trial...

Golgo13 17.02.12 10:03pm
Murdoch announces launch of 'The Turd on Saturday' 1
charlies_hat 17.02.12 9:35pm
Clearasil accused of spot fixing 2
Smart Alex 17.02.12 9:20pm
Sheen, Muscle and Whippy to receive knighthoods in Queen's Jubilee honours. 0
Haywood Manley 17.02.12 8:38pm
Haywood Manley