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Mother's Day Eve gardeners' vigil - as it happens

Gardeners up and down the country are on high alert due to the annual predation of daffodils by scroats planning to 'delight' their mothers. Supermarkets have reported selling out of Red Bull, torch...

Squudge 10.03.13 9:45am
Philosopher ponders why people ask why? 0
Dumbnews 10.03.13 6:23am
Huge clean-up starts as Lib Dem party-wagon rolls out of Brighton

Residents of Brighton have been out in force armed with brooms, bin bags and bleach as the city deals with the aftermath of another riotous Lib Dem conference. With party members still buzzing from...

grumblechops 10.03.13 3:05am
NHS surgeons struggle with deeper cuts 0
Perks 10.03.13 1:11am
Government fears extraterrestrial benefit spree

The prospect of thousands of little green men signing on for JobSeeker's Allowance at Jobcentres across the UK is forcing government ministers to tighten the rules for accessing welfare benefits....

roybland 10.03.13 12:59am
NASA to build artificial planet to make everyone's birth sign more prosperous

NASA has revealed an audacious plan to construct an artificial planet to improve the astrological outlook of everyone. A NASA spokesman explained; "Although 528 trillion dollars a year for the next...

apepper 10.03.13 12:19am
Emergency services called as enormous sinkhole appears under Downing Street

Police, fire and ambulance services were called to Downing Street yesterday after a homeowner heard a scream coming from No.11 and found the current tenant at the bottom of a deep dark hole which had...

AReader 10.03.13 12:13am
Van-Dyke found online is genuine confirms Dick Van-Dyke

More to follow...

apepper 09.03.13 11:44pm
A Mediterranean country gets credit a rating downgrade. Again. Probably.

For some country or other it's some kind of crisis said a spokesman from one of those ratings agencies...

Maverick 09.03.13 10:33pm
Missing teenager causing no concern at all in rural loose knit community.

I found this headline in the back of the closet, covered in dust...

Maverick 09.03.13 10:24pm
RBS ‘regret investing in Fisher-Price developed software’

RBS executives have acknowledged that purchasing their software and systems from Fisher-Price was one cost-cutting exercise too far. Fisher-Price, better known for developing toys than technology,...

Slante Dangle 09.03.13 10:20pm
Air strike planned for Chelsea

Preparations for the Chelsea flower show continue to be disrupted following an announcement that an air strike is planned on the opening day. The air will be going on strike in support off the flies...

Not Amused 09.03.13 8:44pm
Not Amused
Ratzinger agrees to take new Pope's speeding points. More Huhne. 0
Al OPecia 09.03.13 8:24pm
Al OPecia
Broadmoor and Rampton “may contain nuts”... 1
Tripod 09.03.13 8:22pm
Baby born on train thrown off for not having ticket 2
Nobby Holder 09.03.13 6:28pm
Dick Everyman
Osbourne arrested for 'stomping on the green shoots of recovery'

Police have today cautioned George Osbourne and issued an interim restraining order banning him from all garden centres, after reports that he was seen 'maliciously stamping on the green shoots of...

Squudge 09.03.13 5:29pm
sponge finger
Clegg denies he did not wear a tie to LibDem conference

When confronted with the suspicion he did not wear a tie to the LibDem spring conference because he forgot to pack it in his luggage, Nick Clegg said: “Look, I did wear a tie OK? The important...

Reg Herring 09.03.13 5:27pm
sponge finger
Norman Bates upset that his mother hasn't acknowledged card 1
Smart Alex 09.03.13 4:45pm
'Hench' Dench launches fitness program DVD

After the demise of her long-running Bond character 'M' in Skyfall, Dame Judi Dench has been far from 'just resting' between film and theatre roles. Britain's national treasure has been getting 'hot...

pinxit 09.03.13 3:17pm
EU Court Rules On Complementary Papers

The European Court Of Human Rights has today overruled the House Of Lords on the use of the phrase "Complementary Newspapers" often displayed in hotels. The Judgement states that while there is,...

anhodika 09.03.13 2:14pm
MEP's wife warns: "Support porn ban or no more filming our weekly bukkake night" 0
Nowherefast 09.03.13 1:58pm
Experts query online Van Dyck CorelDraw portrait attribution 0
Duncan Biscuit 09.03.13 1:27pm
Duncan Biscuit
Stonehenge 'a failed Stone Age economic stimulus' finds study in blow to Cable 0
Duncan Biscuit 09.03.13 1:26pm
Duncan Biscuit
Launch of International Women’s Day delayed by heavy traffic on the school run 0
Duncan Biscuit 09.03.13 1:22pm
Duncan Biscuit
Chris Huhne’s bisexual girlfriend ‘definitely bisexual’

The bisexual partner of disgraced for Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne has been confirmed as being bisexual, according to every news report ever. Despite the blanket coverage of the scandal continually...

TheNewsWalrus 09.03.13 1:22pm
Uhura wins Kenya election; Chekov and Sulu demand recount

More to follow...

apepper 09.03.13 12:45pm
Chris Huhne body double warns look-alike agency "I may be away for a few months" 0
ronseal 09.03.13 12:41pm
Pryce case latest: Hell to review “woman scorned” policy

The fury generated by scorned women on earth continues to outperform demonic powers in the afterlife, according to a report written in Hell this week. "We have to face the fact that we still have a...

nickb 09.03.13 12:30pm
pulled again 6
Squudge 09.03.13 11:36am
MEPs decide to ban Dutch feminist MEP calling for pornography ban

After considering Dutch feminist MEP Katrika Liotard’s resolution to ban all forms of pornography to prevent demeaning women, an overwhelming majority of Members of the European Parliament have...

Yikes 09.03.13 11:13am