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Grandparents 'displeased' at receiving happy birthday wishes via Facebook

A survey conducted by greeting card retailer Hallmark has revealed that 95% of over-75s are 'fed up and disappointed' at only ever receiving their happy birthday wishes in the form of a Facebook...

Jesus H 13.07.13 11:47am
Jesus H
Defendant who had sex with chicken accused of basting evidence 0
sydalg 13.07.13 10:58am
Thousands of accounts re-activated as Facebook release 'Pointless Status Filter'

Thousands of users returned to Facebook today to re-activate their accounts following the announcement from the social network giant that a new 'Pointless Status Filter' has been rolled out worldwide...

Jesus H 13.07.13 10:50am
Jesus H
China falls for Nigerian 419 confidence trick

In the world's most successful email scam, Chinese President Xi Jinping has agreed to give Nigeria $1.1bn. Beijing officials have been embarrassed by the release the following email exchange:...

Wrenfoe 13.07.13 10:10am
Unabashed biblical masturbator vows to go "on an' on" 0
sydalg 13.07.13 9:34am
Orange men admit "they still can't find a rhyme for 'orange'"

Orange men have confessed that they are still struggling to write a marching song because they can't find a rhyme for orange. "The best we've come up with is 'door hinge' - but that's a bit hard to...

apepper 13.07.13 9:34am
Funding Crisis in Welsh Emergency Services

The Welsh Assembly has ordered an inquiry into a chronic funding shortage in the emergency services in South Wales. In particular the inquiry will be asked to look into the excessive funding...

clarksn 13.07.13 8:55am
Spooneristic baker vows to go out with all buns glazing 5
sydalg 13.07.13 8:54am
Suarez rejects Liverpool Care Pathway

Health officials in England have expressed concern that Liverpool FC's treatment of the wantaway striker may have been used to hasten his exit, save money and put fans out of their misery. The LCP,...

Wrenfoe 13.07.13 8:40am
Jesus H
Liverpool Care Pathway to be given an overdose of Morphine 0
A.A.Arkwright 13.07.13 7:13am
Gove re-captured by Thunderbirds factory 3
antharrison 13.07.13 12:25am
sredni vashta
"Significant" number of MPs agree to "feel uneasy" about accepting £6k pay rise. 4
sredni vashta 12.07.13 11:36pm
Electrical appliances on HD 189733b 'must be HD 189733b-d' scientists find


Idiot 12.07.13 10:49pm
Doubts expressed about whether there will ever be a cure for pessimism 19
John Wiltshire 12.07.13 9:07pm
Charles Foley to be buried in X shaped coffin. 0
Maverick 12.07.13 6:49pm
Attempt to reattach severed toes leads to defeat. 1
sredni vashta 12.07.13 6:23pm
Lindy Moone
Garden theft: evidence based on plants "fundamentally flowered"

first ever neato attempt, be kind...

sillybugger 12.07.13 6:22pm
Lindy Moone
Murdoch the Musical goes into rehearsal

20th Century Fox is proud to announce that they will be transforming some of their movie back catalogue into West End shows. The first of these will be a song and dance biopic based on, humanitarian...

Wrenfoe 12.07.13 4:30pm
sredni vashta
Royal Mail privatisation vote to be “online only”

As part of the government’s continued drive for greater efficiency and attempt to shut down the country’s post office network, more and more services are being moved online and the voting to sell...

rogerg 12.07.13 3:47pm
Adly Mansour : "All Muslim Brotherhood arrests are evidence-based. Honestly" ;-) 0
FlashArry 12.07.13 3:31pm
Man found 'singing in the rain'

A man was found today singing in the rain. When asked why, he explained: "I'm singing in the rain, Just singing in the rain, What a glorious feelin', I'm happy again, I'm laughing at clouds, So...

rickwestwell 12.07.13 3:17pm
Israelites flocking to Sodom for easy "pillar of salt divorces"

The cities of the plain, already noted for their relaxed attitude to alternative sexual lifestyles, are now beginning to rival Vegas as the hot-spot for those seeking to swiftly cut ties with their...

sydalg 12.07.13 2:41pm
"DNA result worse than you thought", warns Oedipus's mum 0
sydalg 12.07.13 2:31pm
So it's farewell and bon voyage.... 1
Duncan Biscuit 12.07.13 1:53pm
Page 3 to feature topless Brazilians

In a mark of solidarity with beleaguered football fans, the News International paper will be replacing their traditional topless models with hirsute football fans. Shirtless and standing soccer...

Wrenfoe 12.07.13 1:51pm
Schools urged to ban packed-lunches by head of catering company.

More unbiased advice soon...

MADJEZ 12.07.13 12:50pm
Ex BBC boss to return to former Corporation job to be fired.

Former BBC Director General Mark Thompson is to return briefly to the Corporation's employment so that he can be fired. "An oversight on our part meant we omitted to dismiss Mr Thompson for...

nickb 12.07.13 11:51am
Candy Crush rehab nurses express anger at plans to reduce pay

Unions representing the nurses and midwives responsible for the psychological and physical rehabilitation for those battling Candy Crush addictions have joined others in stating their "absolute...

Jesus H 12.07.13 11:51am
Jesus H
Thousands of Orange Men protest poor conditions at Wonka's factory

Oompa Loompas took to the streets as industrial action against factory owner William Wonka heats up. The orange men are calling on the European Court of Human Rights to end their indentured...

sdritchie 12.07.13 11:34am
Hundreds of masochists to watch England against Australia

Coach parties of masochists from all over the British Isles, all wearing uncomfortable underwear, are heading towards Trent Bridge today to watch the Ashes match. Said one unnamed masochist, Charlie...

John Wiltshire 12.07.13 9:05am
John Wiltshire