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'Please top killing each other in my name, I don't exist," clarifies God

Following the brutal murder of an off duty soldier in Woolwich yesterday God has spoken out for the first time in pretty much two thousand years in an effort to distance himself from the truly...

Idiot 27.05.13 4:28pm
Popeye to assist MI5 in counter terrorist operations

In the latest move to uncover radical extremists Popeye has been recruited by MI5 to help deal with the growing terrorist threat to the UK. The popular former Sailor Man was chosen for his uncanny...

Dick Everyman 27.05.13 4:12pm
Dick Everyman
Air Warden Hodges' lights finally go out. More soon. 1
Al OPecia 27.05.13 2:56pm
Chinese teenager defaces Egyptian temple texts with "in YOUR opinion". 1
Al OPecia 27.05.13 2:35pm
Lindy Moone
Parents astonished by sons' secret reading habits.

Thousands of parents across the UK are making startling discoveries about their teenage sons due to an unexpected side effect of the rise of internet pornography. Storing treasured top shelf...

sredni vashta 27.05.13 2:28pm
Lindy Moone
BBC Man claims he “was abused” by BBC “although it wasn’t that abusive, really"

A man who used to work for the BBC and is now an expert on abusive crime, said the way he was dealt with by the BBC was “tantamount to abuse, almost, but not quite as bad.” The row started after...

nickb 27.05.13 1:18pm
Cameron To Promote His Very Own Tanning Lotion....

."Skiver Tan." Even useful when hanging around Brussels...

Jesse Bigg 27.05.13 1:06pm
Nicholls: "All I said l was - I could really murder a Ruby right now" 0
Bertrand Twisted 27.05.13 10:01am
Bertrand Twisted
Introducing the K-Tel Bar-B-Q-Matic

Do sudden bouts of clement weather catch you on the hop? That’s no longer a problem with this new gadget – instead of having to plan ahead before Bank Holiday weekends, inviting friends and...

BillyBitzer 27.05.13 9:48am
Vettel in spat with main sponsor, God

In the aftermath of yesterday's Monaco Grand Prix, there is news this morning of a major dispute emerging between F1 World Champion, Sebastian Vettel, and God, who has been the German racing driver's...

Bertrand Twisted 27.05.13 9:06am
Bertrand Twisted
New evidence of links between Muslims and acts of Islamic terrorism

A Daily Mail undercover team has unveiled shocking new evidence, which clearly shows that Muslims are 68% more likely than non-Muslims to be behind acts of Islamic terrorism. Commenting on behalf of...

Bertrand Twisted 27.05.13 8:30am
Bertrand Twisted
Fatwa Declared Against God For Being An Infidel

"Death to all unbleievers, including God" said a devout, outraged but slightly confused NewsBiscuit reader...

Titus 27.05.13 7:43am
HMRC launches new corporate BOGOF scheme: Buy one Revenue Chief, Get Tax Free 0
ronseal 27.05.13 7:42am
Nick Ross has a nightmare. 0
ginty 27.05.13 5:14am
Allah offended by NewsBiscuit front page article. Editors to be smitten Tuesday.

More on Wednesday...

Arthur 27.05.13 1:00am
Runner fails to raise any money for Google for second successive year

Stephen Hoskins, a 25 year old teacher from Stockport, has spoken of his disappointment at failing to raise a single penny after completing the BUPA Great Manchester Run for the second successive...

antharrison 26.05.13 11:31pm
UKIP angry over Olive Oil jugs removal. Popeye none too pleased. 5
weematt 26.05.13 11:02pm
Imperial Tobacco HQ to double as Death Star

Lucas Films was unwilling to confirm today that it is in discussion with Imperial Tobacco to use its brand new Bristol Headquarters, known to insiders as the Death Star, in the new Star Wars movies ...

jamking 26.05.13 10:51pm
sredni vashta
EU not to remove Olive Oil jugs. Popeye relieved. 2
weematt 26.05.13 10:37pm
Meanwhile in Australia - landmark child abuse case looms

A prominent Australian lawyer, Dennis "Pugsly" Adams QC has launched a major legal action against the Catholic Church in Australia claiming discrimination because he was not molested by either...

Russell Grenning 26.05.13 10:27pm
Broadcasters admit to “stockpiles” of programmes about hoarding

Derek Smythler, Head of Commissioning at Channel 5+1 has a lot of DVD’s stacked up in his office. And despite what the TV industry regards as a crisis, he is strangely upbeat: “Look –...

nickb 26.05.13 9:23pm
U.S. Boy Scouts Camp Out For Gay Members 1
victimms 26.05.13 8:31pm
DIY stores buy all TV ad slots on Bank Holiday Monday as shoppers fail to show.

They can do it. Yes they can...

deskpilot3 26.05.13 7:36pm
Monaco Grand Prix breaks world tosser record

The Monaco Grand Prix has astonished statisticians with an extraordinary level of tossership. A professor of mathematics explained; "Obviously, Monaco starts fairly high in the waste of space stakes,...

apepper 26.05.13 2:56pm
Waddingtons Release New Game “Where’s Our Prime Minister”

Waddingtons, makers of board games including such national treasures as Monopoly, today released the latest new game to the High Street outlets. Called “Where’s Our Prime Minister”, the game...

Deimos 26.05.13 12:02pm
sredni vashta
Gay Marriage Bill – Lords vow to block passage

no more innuendo soon...

Yikes 26.05.13 7:55am
Woods and Garcia end feud over dinner of paella and bulls testicles 3
Mandy Lifeboat 26.05.13 7:36am
Officer Dibble tragedy latest: Found dead in alley with truncheon up arse 0
Drylaw 25.05.13 9:50pm
Cumbrian tigers "I'm Spartacus" response baffles authorities 0
Drylaw 25.05.13 9:44pm
Germans fail to see humour in Town Hall being called the Rat Hause.

But then they would, wouldn't they...

Maverick 25.05.13 9:39pm