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11-day British Summer 'Longest Since Records Began'

As the British summer draws to a dramatic close after a staggering 11 days, scientists from the Met Office are hailing it as 'the longest British summer since records began in 1865'., 'It really is...

thecritic 31.05.12 2:48am
Angry Facebook investors pacified by picture of kitten asking for ‘cheezburger’

A major revolt by thousands of private investors in Facebook has been nipped in the bud by a series of heartwarming and whimsical postings from the social media organisation itself. Shares in the...

Skylarking 30.05.12 9:14pm
'Heartless' Cheryl Cole slammed for not giving terminally ill teen a hand job

As he fought his brave losing battle with leukaemia, 17-year old Kyle Anderson knew what his last wish was. 'I want to be tugged off by Cheryl Cole. That would be the ultimate happy finish', he told...

Oxbridge 30.05.12 9:08pm
Ferry cross the Mersey takes evasive action to avoid island in the stream

News update: Coastguard reported to have taken new Liverpool manager Kenny Rodgers in for questioning...

Miss Hegas 30.05.12 8:04pm
Miss Hegas
Liverpool hope for a 3, 2 or 1 finish after appointing Ted Rogers as new coach. 0
dominic_mcg 30.05.12 7:29pm
Cameron to recruit new communications director from Wormwood Scrubs

PM David Cameron is to employ a convict as his new communications director; "It saves time.", explained a number 10 spokesman...

apepper 30.05.12 6:15pm
Doctors' strike may go unnoticed as receptionists still refuse appointments. 0
dominic_mcg 30.05.12 5:15pm
Test Match Special called as Leveson co-commentators.

There was shock today among leading analysts as Lord Leveson made the bizarre decision to call the BBC Test Match Special team to the inquiry as his new co-commentry team. The trio of Geoffrey...

LPWright 30.05.12 5:09pm
Queen may continue to reign after death

Constitutional experts are examining ways in which the Queen could remain on the throne after her death, according to constitutional experts. The idea for the Queen to reign from beyond the grave...

roybland 30.05.12 4:24pm
New RSPCA offices "Not big enough to swing a cat" claim staff 1
grumblechops 30.05.12 3:49pm
Cable 'impartial' about whether he viewed BSkyB bid with open mind.

Business Secretary Vince Cable has told the Leveson Inquiry he is "not rushing to judge" whether he kept an independent mind when assessing News Corporation's 2010 bid for BSkyB. Mr Cable said "most...

Boutros 30.05.12 3:15pm
June 21st declared 'National BUPA day'

Hard up NHS doctors are under so much financial pressures that many are forced to take up additional consultancy work in the lucrative private sector, the BMA reported today...

tedweasel 30.05.12 1:15pm
Euro and Chocolate Euro reach parity 0
gaijintendo 30.05.12 12:40pm
Mitt Romney secures Republican nomination to lose presidential re-election 2
medici2471 30.05.12 11:57am
Honeymoon period over as Mark Zuckerberg suffers 20% drop in intimate relations

Mark Zuckerberg is threatening to sue his advisors after an overhyped wedding failed to live up to his expectations causing a considerable reduction in sexual congress. “The immediate aftermath of...

Yikes 30.05.12 11:49am
Indignant Suspected Rapist Learns System Has Gall To Ask Him To Stand Trial

Despite being world famous and really really believing in freedom of information, the suspected rapist Julien Assange today was told he must face trial for rape. "This is a blow for famous suspected...

thisisall1word 30.05.12 11:46am
Tesco speed checkout by stopping sale of unexpected items

Supermarket giant Tesco has come up with an innovative scheme to increase the efficiency of self-checkout systems; they no longer stock unexpected items. "Research has disclosed that most delays were...

apepper 30.05.12 11:00am
Sinister group target London for exploitation event

Reporters have discovered that a group of wealthy individuals based in Switzerland are arranging to race men from ethnic minorities against each other for their amusement and entertainment this...

A Wagonload Of Monkeys 30.05.12 10:54am
Brits have a negative body image because they're fat bastards, research finds

More than half the British population suffers from a negative body image, an inquiry by MPs has heard. The inquiry also found that half the British population are fat bastards. 'The conjunction of...

roybland 30.05.12 10:41am
GPs vote to strike but surgeons favour deeper cuts 0
nostra da mouse 30.05.12 10:25am
nostra da mouse
"There's Wally!" the latest dumbing down of children's literature.

Parents and teachers have expressed surprise and concern about the popular "Where's Wally" books being added to the GCSE list of Set Texts. Sid Finch, who's son Rubin will study GCSE English from...

Boutros 29.05.12 11:33pm
Footballer spit and gob statistics to be available for Euro 2012

The wait to see which players produce the most spittle, and who has the biggest average volume per gob, is almost over. A new software package, due to be launched in time for the European...

Midfield Diamond 29.05.12 10:57pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Cheryl Cole 'Isn't Very Important' shock.

There was widespread shock across the country today when it was suddenly discovered that whether Cheryl Cole mimed on 'The Voice' or not doesn't really matter. A spokesman for the BBCs flagship...

TheNewsWalrus 29.05.12 10:49pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Duchess of Cambridge shames austerity Britain by wearing frock for second time

The Duchess of Cambridge yesterday demonstrated her thrifty side at a Palace garden party by wearing the £1,200 Emilia Wickstead frock she wore two weeks ago at the Queen's Jubilee lunch at Windsor...

roybland 29.05.12 10:44pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
“We’re going for Gold” say London 2012 drug cheats

With just over 50 days to go to the start of the London Olympics, leading laboratory scientists have declared themselves as set fair for Olympic glory. Speaking from outside his underground lab,...

Mandy Lifeboat 29.05.12 10:43pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Cameron gaffe storm : Mistakes interpreter for new French PM 0
Drylaw 29.05.12 9:47pm
Fury as Daily Express reports on news story

There was widespread outrage across the county today as it emerged that the Daily Express recently put an actual news story on its front page. The story, a sober, balanced and thought provoking...

TheNewsWalrus 29.05.12 9:46pm
Al OPecia
Derbyshire man has 'Britain's most pointless job title'

A Derbyshire man was celebrating last night after winning this year’s award for Britain’s most pointless job title. Derek Hill, 48, won the flagship prize for his role of ‘Principal Technical...

TheNewsWalrus 29.05.12 9:45pm
Al OPecia
Discovery of Jesus’s personal file reveals bereavement leave scam

In a stunning development, archaeologists have found Jesus’s personal file from his job as an evangelical carpentry tutor with the Jerusalem Nailers. Initial indications are that Jesus’s “Mr...

Yikes 29.05.12 8:22pm
Beach Boys reunion scuppered by Coastguard's red flag warning. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 29.05.12 8:13pm