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Euro and Chocolate Euro reach parity 0
gaijintendo 30.05.12 12:40pm
gaijintendo
Mitt Romney secures Republican nomination to lose presidential re-election 2
medici2471 30.05.12 11:57am
medici2471
Honeymoon period over as Mark Zuckerberg suffers 20% drop in intimate relations

Mark Zuckerberg is threatening to sue his advisors after an overhyped wedding failed to live up to his expectations causing a considerable reduction in sexual congress. “The immediate aftermath of...

1
Yikes 30.05.12 11:49am
Yikes
Indignant Suspected Rapist Learns System Has Gall To Ask Him To Stand Trial

Despite being world famous and really really believing in freedom of information, the suspected rapist Julien Assange today was told he must face trial for rape. "This is a blow for famous suspected...

0
thisisall1word 30.05.12 11:46am
thisisall1word
Tesco speed checkout by stopping sale of unexpected items

Supermarket giant Tesco has come up with an innovative scheme to increase the efficiency of self-checkout systems; they no longer stock unexpected items. "Research has disclosed that most delays were...

1
apepper 30.05.12 11:00am
Boutros
Sinister group target London for exploitation event

Reporters have discovered that a group of wealthy individuals based in Switzerland are arranging to race men from ethnic minorities against each other for their amusement and entertainment this...

9
A Wagonload Of Monkeys 30.05.12 10:54am
beau-jolly
Brits have a negative body image because they're fat bastards, research finds

More than half the British population suffers from a negative body image, an inquiry by MPs has heard. The inquiry also found that half the British population are fat bastards. 'The conjunction of...

1
roybland 30.05.12 10:41am
beau-jolly
GPs vote to strike but surgeons favour deeper cuts 0
nostra da mouse 30.05.12 10:25am
nostra da mouse
"There's Wally!" the latest dumbing down of children's literature.

Parents and teachers have expressed surprise and concern about the popular "Where's Wally" books being added to the GCSE list of Set Texts. Sid Finch, who's son Rubin will study GCSE English from...

3
Boutros 29.05.12 11:33pm
Textbook
Footballer spit and gob statistics to be available for Euro 2012

The wait to see which players produce the most spittle, and who has the biggest average volume per gob, is almost over. A new software package, due to be launched in time for the European...

2
Midfield Diamond 29.05.12 10:57pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Cheryl Cole 'Isn't Very Important' shock.

There was widespread shock across the country today when it was suddenly discovered that whether Cheryl Cole mimed on 'The Voice' or not doesn't really matter. A spokesman for the BBCs flagship...

1
TheNewsWalrus 29.05.12 10:49pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Duchess of Cambridge shames austerity Britain by wearing frock for second time

The Duchess of Cambridge yesterday demonstrated her thrifty side at a Palace garden party by wearing the £1,200 Emilia Wickstead frock she wore two weeks ago at the Queen's Jubilee lunch at Windsor...

4
roybland 29.05.12 10:44pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
“We’re going for Gold” say London 2012 drug cheats

With just over 50 days to go to the start of the London Olympics, leading laboratory scientists have declared themselves as set fair for Olympic glory. Speaking from outside his underground lab,...

2
Mandy Lifeboat 29.05.12 10:43pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Cameron gaffe storm : Mistakes interpreter for new French PM 0
Drylaw 29.05.12 9:47pm
Drylaw
Fury as Daily Express reports on news story

There was widespread outrage across the county today as it emerged that the Daily Express recently put an actual news story on its front page. The story, a sober, balanced and thought provoking...

4
TheNewsWalrus 29.05.12 9:46pm
Al OPecia
Derbyshire man has 'Britain's most pointless job title'

A Derbyshire man was celebrating last night after winning this year’s award for Britain’s most pointless job title. Derek Hill, 48, won the flagship prize for his role of ‘Principal Technical...

2
TheNewsWalrus 29.05.12 9:45pm
Al OPecia
Discovery of Jesus’s personal file reveals bereavement leave scam

In a stunning development, archaeologists have found Jesus’s personal file from his job as an evangelical carpentry tutor with the Jerusalem Nailers. Initial indications are that Jesus’s “Mr...

5
Yikes 29.05.12 8:22pm
Yikes
Beach Boys reunion scuppered by Coastguard's red flag warning. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 29.05.12 8:13pm
dominic_mcg
Plumber criticised for refusing part in adult movie

A plumber from York has been widely criticised by the adult film industry as well as men up and down the country by refusing to take part in a porn film. Unlike him, the incident came after a call...

2
Perks 29.05.12 7:10pm
Perks
Fears Prince Charles may disrupt Jubilee floatila by swimming into the Thames. 0
Ian Searle 29.05.12 6:32pm
Ian Searle
Juan Kerr, the Spanish Master Baker is fed up of people laughing at his name. 0
Ian Searle 29.05.12 6:31pm
Ian Searle
Radioactive fish get glowing school report 0
Psycadelic Squirrel 29.05.12 6:14pm
Psycadelic Squirrel
"Coal house would have been luxury" says Harry Potter 0
Scroat 29.05.12 5:32pm
Scroat
Stray dog chased 1700km by Chinese restaurateurs 6
medici2471 29.05.12 5:01pm
Sinnick
Andy Murray fails in bid for French Open 0
nostra da mouse 29.05.12 3:39pm
nostra da mouse
Obama Defeats Romney in Hollywood Version of 2012 Presidential Election

LOS ANGELES – In a classic Hollywood ending that left audiences cheering and wiping tears from their eyes, President Obama triumphed over his Republican rival Mitt Romney in the 2012 U.S....

0
29.05.12 3:37pm
Anti GM crop protesters mistakenly picket Vauxhall dealership 5
Scronnyglonkle 29.05.12 3:16pm
Scronnyglonkle
‘Make our day Muzzos,’ says Olympic Security Chief.

Olympic Security Chief Sir Peter Anderson admitted today he’s dying to blow some ‘Johnny Muzzo chaps’ to kingdom come during the Games. Confident security at the Games was ‘tighter than a...

0
daneade 29.05.12 2:28pm
daneade
UK deports tourist for not stating Olympics as purpose of visit 1
Dumbnews 29.05.12 2:26pm
daneade
Jessica Ennis’s boyfriend slips into something cool on return home 0
medici2471 29.05.12 2:17pm
medici2471