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Pub team stalwart puts fantasy England career behind him...

Andrew Cartwright, 43, from Weymouth, has announced to family, friends and the England selection panel that even in his own fantasy version of football, in which he could “still play at the highest...

Tripod 15.05.13 12:14pm
John Humphrys’ grill wins Masterchef

Today programme presenter John Humphrys was crowned the surprise winner of this year’s Masterchef. Humphrys won over the judges with a breakfast menu that included the Director General of the BBC...

Wrenfoe 15.05.13 12:04pm
Lenny Bee
Mixed messages for Angelina Jolie, as fans yell “tits off for the lads”... 0
Tripod 15.05.13 11:45am
New Israeli Airport Security Plan

[A story stolen from elewhere but with no author credited, so enjoy it here) The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body...

Titus 15.05.13 10:46am
Internet braced for new deluge of 'John Terry celebrating things' pictures

Hopefully no more soon...

johnnydobbo 15.05.13 10:29am
Welsh school rocked by news that rugby can hurt a bit.

A leading independent school in Wales has decided to ban certain rugby matches due to new research from the University of Llyfe, which shows that getting hit by other people wearing skin-tight lycra...

Bertrand Twisted 15.05.13 10:11am
Bertrand Twisted
CMYKKK finally admits colour discrimination 0
McKenzie 15.05.13 10:07am
Addict who habitually stole iPads couldn't stop taking the tablets. 0
weematt 15.05.13 10:03am
'Extremist' Preachers thwarted by student apathy

Radical Islamists have spoken at their frustration in making not the slightest impact on Britain's youngsters. Despite speaking at 180 events at 60 universities in the past year, preachers claim that...

Wrenfoe 15.05.13 9:24am
Use of blow up dolls divides Muslim fundamentalists 13
Dick Everyman 15.05.13 9:22am
Herschel space telescope blamed for UKIP success

Controllers at the European Space Agency's (Esa) have been left baffled by distorted images of UKIP finding their way on to media sites. This lesser known satellite orbiting the Tory cluster, is...

Wrenfoe 15.05.13 8:39am
Farrage demands immediate withdrawal from Eurovision. More soon. 5
dominic_mcg 15.05.13 8:16am
Satirists Demand to Know Who Is Wearing Chris Huhne's Tag For Him 4
Titus 15.05.13 8:08am
Manchester City to introduce weekly Guest Managers

Following the sacking of Roberto Mancini, Manchester City are to introduce a system of weekly Guest Managers. 'We got the idea after watching Have I Got News For You,' said a spokesman. 'Things...

John Wiltshire 15.05.13 8:05am
Ed Milliband to have Balls removed in dramatic reshuffle of opposition's jewels 0
irreverendJ 15.05.13 7:14am
Millions of distraught men ring Samaritans at loss of Angelina Jolie's breasts. 6
MADJEZ 14.05.13 10:50pm
Publishers ship latest Dan Brown novel straight to car boot sales

In a move set to rock the publishing world to its foundations, Random House has revealed that the new Dan Brown novel Inferno is to be sold exclusively through car boot sales. ‘This is the obvious...

Skylarking 14.05.13 8:40pm
Spaceman lands with a bump.

NASA astronuaut, Commander Chris Hadfield, has returned from his 6 month mission to the International Space Station only to make his most shocking discovery back home on planet earth. The Canadian...

Bertrand Twisted 14.05.13 8:14pm
Bertrand Twisted
Angelina Jolie to be given enormous computer-generated false breasts 0
Idiot 14.05.13 7:20pm
TV Career Beckons for Alex Ferguson

In the wake of his much-publicised retirement from football, Sir Alex Ferguson has announced plans for a new venture as a chat-show host on Channel 5. The programme, to be called “It’s Fergie...

Iggy Pop-Barker 14.05.13 7:04pm
Iggy Pop-Barker
Why Huhne Favours "Les Jolies Laides"

a psychiatrist writes...

Mike Turbine-Hamilton 14.05.13 6:01pm
Mike Turbine-Hamilton
Distraught Jolie thought she was getting fancy coffee. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 14.05.13 5:42pm
Isle of Man refuse gay tenants prior to annual event of 100 men lapping Douglas 2
Backup Brian 14.05.13 4:03pm
Angelina Jolie's ovarian cancer risk suggests 50% increase in Womb Raider jokes 0
topfotogmw 14.05.13 3:28pm
Relate workers launch training course for men on how to hang the washing out

A group of four women from the relationship charity Relate have joined forces to market a training course specifically aimed at those men who are utterly useless at putting the laundry out to dry. ...

Midfield Diamond 14.05.13 3:01pm
Midfield Diamond
IEDs discovered at Muirfield : tabloid at loss for headline 6
FlashArry 14.05.13 2:50pm
Midfield Diamond
BBC defends incoherent radio presenter as Robbie Savage continues on 606 3
Backup Brian 14.05.13 2:47pm
Midfield Diamond
Doctor Who left Tardis inside Tardis; some loss of Universe expected

An investigation has started about how the Time Lord, Doctor Who came to leave the Tardis inside itself after a particularly complicated time travelling episode. It's expected that effects of the...

apepper 14.05.13 2:38pm
Georgie Porgie arrested by Operation Yewtree officers

Georgie Porgie was arrested by officers from Operation Yewtree in a dawn raid this morning. Following the raid, Chief Inspector Phillips said: 'We have it on very good authority that Georgie Porgie...

John Wiltshire 14.05.13 1:45pm
John Wiltshire
Farage Too Helpless Wih Laughter To Comment On Tory Parliamentary EU Shambles 0
Titus 14.05.13 1:32pm