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Employee suspended for saying ‘Happy New Year’ after Firm’s 12 Day deadline

After automatically saying “Happy New Year” to everyone he had spoken to for the first time since 31st December, office worker Jon Knowles thought nothing of greeting his first caller of the day...

10
Stan 18.01.12 12:58pm
Stan
Maths Doc invents bullshit formula for getting bullshit formulas into the news

After years of attention-hungry maths boffins having hit-and-miss success getting nonsense formulas for 'most depressing day of the year', 'female beauty' and 'Christmas happiness' into the mass...

11
Golgo13 18.01.12 12:56pm
Stan
Standards Laboratory re-calibrates Labour leader as Nanoband

Pico, atto, femto And no, they are not lost Marx Brothers...

1
DorsetBoy 18.01.12 12:55pm
Elgar Country declares independence

In the latest surprise move for the devolution of the UK, Elgar Country otherwise known as the apple orchards near Malvern has declared independence from the UK crown and government. Though not all...

2
Immunis 18.01.12 12:54pm
BAFTA nominated silent film could see an end to cinema ban on mobile phones

Uncivil libertarians were cock a hoop last night, after the British Academy of Film and Television Arts nominated The Artist, a silent movie, for an award. "At last, the powers that be have come to...

4
ronseal 18.01.12 12:52pm
Scientologists admit: "We've been had."

"Holy shit, did we really believe this crap for all these years?" That was the comment yesterday, expressed by Scientology leader Derrick Holmes, that forced millions of Scientologists to admit "I...

0
hughesroland 18.01.12 12:25pm
hughesroland
Yachting becomes the new Rock(s) & Roll 0
victimms 18.01.12 12:01pm
victimms
Ted Heath's Cancelled Folly Makes A Comeback.....

.As Smarmy and Boris and mates can't be bothered to drive up to Luton...

0
Jesse Bigg 18.01.12 11:23am
Jesse Bigg
Curious schoolboy asks mother: "Why do oysters look like vaginas?" 1
hughesroland 18.01.12 11:07am
Ostsee
Wikipedia blackout forces hundreds of journalists to phone-in sick 2
Duncan Biscuit 18.01.12 10:36am
charlies_hat
Oil discovered in Mitt Romney, armed forces despatched to secure the area. 0
simonjmr 18.01.12 10:10am
simonjmr
Police investigate RAM raid at computer chip factory.

"We're running out of memory" says spokesman...

0
Al McHogan 18.01.12 10:06am
Al McHogan
After watching Stargazing Live, BNP bans members from 'entering black holes' 0
Perks 18.01.12 9:51am
Perks
Nick Griffin to black up for 24 hours in protest at US anti-piracy laws

More soon mammy...

0
Skylarking 18.01.12 9:39am
Skylarking
Armed forces redundancies error sees next-of-kin informed first 0
Duncan Biscuit 18.01.12 9:35am
Duncan Biscuit
Little support for another Boris Johnson 0
Duncan Biscuit 18.01.12 9:34am
Duncan Biscuit
Lib Dems back joint enterprise reforms 0
roybland 18.01.12 8:00am
roybland
Sherlock's death just a trick of the camera, claims ITV 0
Griffin 18.01.12 7:23am
Griffin
Scrap dealers urged to be vigilant after thieves target Vince Cable

More soon (has this been done before?)...

2
dvo4fun 18.01.12 12:55am
dvo4fun
Post apocalypse goes missing in sorting office

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have spent another frustrating day on the phone line to the Royal Mail, as they seek compensation for their lost in the post apocalypse. "It's so bloody...

2
ronseal 18.01.12 12:46am
dvo4fun
Hitting rocks off Giglio Porto 'not as good' as hitting an Atlantic iceberg

The wrecking of the cruise ship Concordia cannot be compared to the sinking of the Titanic according to people who might want to make a blockbuster film about the disaster. 'It's just not in the...

0
roybland 17.01.12 10:02pm
roybland
Geek reports ant infestation of keyboard now under CTRL

(slightly plagiarised from Failbook but worth posting)...

0
Nick McCarr 17.01.12 9:42pm
Nick McCarr
Cameron swings...

Behind plans for a new, privately funded royal yacht, national newspaper reported "David Cameron has swung". Clegg apparently to steer the ship as search for replacement commences...

0
Hugh Nose 17.01.12 9:30pm
Hugh Nose
Wonga.com to launch Badgerbaiting.co.uk

Spurred on by, successfully, turning the illegal activity of “loan-sharking” into a legitimate website, Wonga.com plan to add to their portfolio with the introduction of Badgerbaiting.co.uk....

2
brieosh1 17.01.12 7:17pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Iain Duncan-Smith: “Where is MY film?” 0
brieosh1 17.01.12 6:45pm
brieosh1
Italians to Queen: You want a yacht? Come and get it.

Needs to be pulled off the rocks but it's a fixer-upper...

0
wwwiz 17.01.12 6:38pm
wwwiz
Local man to sue Labour leader for “deformation of character”

Leeds labourer, Ed Miliband, is sick of the cruel jibes he receives for sharing a name with political lightweight, Ed Balls. He takes greater issue with Labour leader, Ed Miliband, as they share two...

0
brieosh1 17.01.12 6:35pm
brieosh1
“You couldn’t make it: ‘Up’” – Richard Littlejohn.

Daily Mail “columnist”, Richard Littlejohn, was completely gob-smacked today after finally getting around to watching “Up”, the Disney/Pixar feature film. In his continuing battle separating...

0
brieosh1 17.01.12 6:08pm
brieosh1
Dyslexic finally sees 'Phil Collins ...Hits' for what it really is 0
Smart Alex 17.01.12 5:39pm
Smart Alex
Awkward return to status quo as UK comes to terms with mass faked death failure

Millions of Britons were left rolling their eyes and shrugging to each other today as it became clear that they had all chosen the same day to fake their own deaths. Whether they were escaping...

17
Golgo13 17.01.12 5:09pm
bobo lutz