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Record numbers of cows not in employment, education or training

Look a little closer at Britain's green and pleasant land and a new social problem will quickly become apparent. Record numbers of unemployed cows are claiming millions of pounds in welfare payments...

Aberdeen Correspondent 14.02.13 2:32pm
Aberdeen Correspondent
Pope Benedict's resignation statement in full

Carus frater , EGO have convoked vos ut is consisto , non tantum pro three canonisations , tamen quoque ut defero vobis a sententia of valde gravitas pro vita of templum. Secundum having crebro...

custard cream 14.02.13 2:31pm
custard cream
Kevin Bacon now longer the face of interconnectivity!

Move over Kevin Bacon, a new kid of sorts is on the block. It used to be that via the medium of Mr Bacon you were no further than knowing everybody else on the planet than six steps, well now...

Scronnyglonkle 14.02.13 2:24pm
Large Hadron Collider Switched off to see if Higgs Boson is somewhere inside

A spokes-scientist said "We havn't had much success trying to find it by chucking other particles at it so we thought we'd strip the collider down and see if the particle was inside somewhere, you...

sillybugger 14.02.13 1:18pm
High speed deviant motorway sex a "satirical statement", claims Labour Candidate

A would-be politician caught speeding on the M3 with a stocking over his face, a line of coke on the dashboard, and an "inexperienced but willing to learn" prostitute in the passenger seat has...

SuburbanDad 14.02.13 1:10pm
Oscar Pistorius ‘best hope’ for South African Paralympic Shooting Medal

South African Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius has been selected for the South African Olympic shooting team after managing to hit a target at a distance of ten metres from a seated position in bad...

Gary Stanton 14.02.13 1:03pm
Gary Stanton
Roman Catholic Church launches new reality TV Show: "Pope Idol"

Following the soon-to-be ex-pope Benedict's move into new media by tweeting in Latin, the conclave of Cardinals have decided to modernise the election of a new pope by launching a new show "Pope...

AReader 14.02.13 1:01pm
Public ‘confused’ about FSA

A new survey, out today, reveals 87% of the public are confused about the FSA, but not half as much as the FSA. The findings emerged as the FSA (Financial Services Authority) fined supermarkets £59...

Reg Herring 14.02.13 12:55pm
Brekin Noos

Men wiv massif cokc r mor likly to bee dislexsick!...

SPUD 14.02.13 12:49pm
Lens Cap
Pistorius' replicant hunting days are over 0
Not Amused 14.02.13 12:37pm
Not Amused
Dead horse jokes have been flogged to death on Newsbiscuit forum 0
AReader 14.02.13 12:32pm
Tests prove James Blunt song 'You're Bute-full" was written about Tesco burgers 0
Ian Searle 14.02.13 12:30pm
Ian Searle
Pistorius doesn't have a leg to stand on police say. 1
MADJEZ 14.02.13 12:28pm
Pistorius fans still hopeful he will be sprung 1
medici2471 14.02.13 12:26pm
Thoroughbred found in bakery 0
medici2471 14.02.13 12:18pm
Horses for courses 0
Ablative Fabsolute 14.02.13 12:13pm
Ablative Fabsolute
MPs to give interviews in French mime lessons to stop them saying stupid things

Some hope!...

Ian Searle 14.02.13 10:36am
Ian Searle
Millions of people complain about receiving anonymous messages through post 0
Ian Searle 14.02.13 10:27am
Ian Searle
"Well, at least I didn't do that," notes Lance Armstrong. 0
DrTurmoil 14.02.13 10:26am
Pistorius case ‘won’t stand up in court’... 0
Tripod 14.02.13 9:53am
More Trouble Ahead After Supermarkets Are Accused Of Cashing In

"364 days till pancake day & Morrisons are already selling Eggs,Flour & milk." Said one incensed shopper...

anhodika 14.02.13 9:34am
"I don't remember a thing", claims Pistorious, "I was legless". 0
topfotogmw 14.02.13 9:17am
Daily Mail warns readers of imminent crash in horse prices

(sorry Lens)...

charlies_hat 14.02.13 9:03am
Findus to sponsor race at Newmarket - the 29% steaks

would 'stakes' have been better here? That's my lot for the day - off to Basingstoke now...

lane-avenger 14.02.13 8:58am
Pope found to contain 29% horse

.. may explain why he bolted. Other puns to follow soon. Apols if already done, you thing it must have been by now...

lane-avenger 14.02.13 8:58am
M&S announce new Chimæra foods range

After it was announced this week that luxury supermarket chain Waitrose had joined the latest trend for 'posessed foods', with pork masquerading as beef, Marks & Spencer have risen to the...

Squudge 14.02.13 8:45am
Big fat cunt of the year awards

In third place, ‘alternative’ comedian Jimmy Carr for being involved in a scheme which allowed him to pay as little as one per cent tax by giving cash to a Jersey firm who loaned it back. Loans...

lane-avenger 14.02.13 8:40am
Pistorius shooting: “Unlike Oscar”, says SA Police Chief, “this story has legs”. 0
Tripod 14.02.13 8:38am
Spanish derby as Real Madrid plays Fake Madrid. 1
Maverick 14.02.13 8:32am
Police warn of predators using flowers and chocolate to obtain sex

UK police have issued a ‘code red’ warning saying that the risk of being accosted by a sexual predator is the highest it has been in 364 days, and only just below the all-time high of the 1977...

Yikes 14.02.13 8:28am