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John Terry hits back: "I'm not racist. I'll shag anything"

though I'm sure somebody's already done this...

FraserWords 19.07.12 1:17pm
Syrian comedy series BlackAssadder cancelled after Baldrick is assassinated.

wallster 19.07.12 1:01pm
Cabinet papers reveal that a shedload of bad news to be released from 27th July

Specifically around Team GB gold medal wins. More soon...

simonjmr 19.07.12 11:09am
Nurseries which cultivate Estate Agents signs closing due to lack demand.

Where once great avenues of the colourful flora could be seen on every street in the UK, many roads are now bare...

Ian Searle 19.07.12 10:43am
Ian Searle
Good news for G4S - Bob Diamond is available to take over and regain reputation 0
Ian Searle 19.07.12 10:38am
Ian Searle
Giant lettuce seen floating in the North Atlantic 1
Rootin Tootin 19.07.12 10:23am
M&S to Open 1st Laundromat

Partnered by HSBC (The UK’s largest bank, specialists & international experts in the field of washing money) - - a spokesperson for M&S enthused...

HenryMJUK 19.07.12 9:40am
String of slow changing & unfunny tickers blamed on collapse of the Jest stream 0
simonjmr 19.07.12 9:33am
Venables and John top FBI most wanted list as War on Terrys enters tenth year 0
simonjmr 19.07.12 9:27am
Over shoulder boulder holder so much older, experts claim

( . ) ( . )...

Scroat 19.07.12 9:20am
Lloyds bank receives it's Coop de grâce 0
charlies_hat 19.07.12 9:10am
Man who confused dulux and durex suffering from premature emulsion 3
Carter 19.07.12 8:49am
seymour totti
Banking CEO finds good use for old quality street tin full of Coop stamps 0
button 19.07.12 8:34am
It's only a rubbish novel, everyone is reminded

The government is concerned that large numbers of ostensibly sane adults are devoting too much time on the internet arguing about '50 Shades of Grey', an inexplicably popular take on Jane Austen,...

Oxbridge 19.07.12 8:23am
Santa produces a vast range of new sleds - 50 grades of sleigh 0
Rootin Tootin 19.07.12 7:47am
Rootin Tootin
Madonna's first bra found in Austrian castle 0
Scroat 19.07.12 7:39am
Tinnitus sufferers dreading 8:12am, July 27th 0
FlashArry 19.07.12 7:18am
An Idiot's Guide to...The Dark Knight Rises

- Final film in The Dark Knight Trilogy following on from [i]It Shouldn't Happen to a Batman[/i], and [i]Batman: East of Java[/i]. - To bulk up for his role as the villainous Bane, actor Tom Hardy...

Carter 19.07.12 6:46am
The Masked Frog
New best seller for gardeners - 50 spades of clay. 0
Maverick 19.07.12 6:16am
Cameron vows to 'Go After G4S'

David Cameron has vowed to "go after" G4S for their role in the Olympic security debacle. Speaking earlier today after a visit to the East London main venue, David Cameron said "I've told my fag...

ginty 19.07.12 5:43am
50 Slades of Grey

Patricia entered the hotel lobby, escaping from the medium sized rain that had fallen the sky like her tears had fallen onto the pillow of her unshared bed the last 3 years, e.g. lots., She had...

thisisall1word 19.07.12 12:11am
Olympic opening ceremony shortened to stop it overlapping with closing ceremony

The Olympic opening ceremony, which included 10,000 dancing nurses, mime artists and the performance of every Shakespeare play, has been shortened in length. Lord Coe explained; "The problem was that...

apepper 18.07.12 10:15pm
OED under pressure from banks, security firms to redefine 'culpable', 'bonus'

more soon ?...

FlashArry 18.07.12 9:52pm
Laundry accident sees Bradley Wiggins retain the Pink Jersey 0
Perks 18.07.12 8:20pm
Peolpe too lazy to walk to the shops for tabs are fucked study suggests 4
button 18.07.12 7:04pm
GM Bamboo Shoots Turn Pandas Green

Pandamonium broke out today amongst anti-GM protestors in the West after it emerged Chinese scientists have developed a new genetically-modified strain of bamboo shoot and introduced it on a large...

Reg Herring 18.07.12 6:28pm
Reg Herring
Top NASA scientist still burns toast

Nasa's foremost rocket scientist, Marc Millis, has admitted he still doesn't know how to use a toaster correctly. "I tried it on 3 but the 'toast' just came out looking like dirty bread. When I...

Psycadelic Squirrel 18.07.12 6:07pm
Psycadelic Squirrel
World finally agrees on international distress sign 'AAAGH'.

In Britain it's 999. In America it's 911. On a submarine it's S.O.S. In the air it's Mayday, mayday. And in space it's 'Houston we have a problem'. Amid all this confusion, it's good to know the...

Boutros 18.07.12 4:46pm
Psycadelic Squirrel
Lane Closures Adding To Olympic Chaos

Unscheduled lane closures are causing another headache for London 2012 Olympic Games organisers adding to the security and logistical nightmare that has already tarnished the games with delays,...

HIGNFY 18.07.12 4:01pm
God claims creation of Earth still on budget, despite overrunning 6 day estimate

God claims that the original budget was for the Light and rocky bits. He admitted that creating life had taken billions of years longer than expected, but the other budget for organisms already had...

gaijintendo 18.07.12 3:18pm