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Arsenal tactics explained: Fans told Wenger to go forth and multiply. 0
Not Amused 06.06.13 2:39pm
Not Amused
Tulisa tattoo horror - top surgeon quits

A leading Harley Street surgeon, who couldn't face the prospect of operating on 'oldies' whose intimate tattoos had become an embarrassment, has quit his practice. Sir Reginald Clamacraft, who...

Lenny Bee 06.06.13 1:26pm
Lenny Bee
Children not as thick as originally thought.

Parent and teacher groups call for clarification following the news that 17% of children thought cheese grows on trees, they claim this is down to trick questions and media manipulation. How are...

rgk 06.06.13 12:57pm
Lindy Moone
God admits to hearing Republicans

Theologians were left somewhat surprised to hear that the One True God, has for sometime, been listening to the GOP. This divine confession follows Republican claims, that after a night of prayer,...

Wrenfoe 06.06.13 12:36pm
Lindy Moone
Berkeley Hunt wins contract to track down paedophiles

The ancient Gloucestershire club is enjoying a new lease of life, provided with a thrilling and fully legal substitute for fox-hunting. Suspected sexual deviants can now expect to be accosted at any...

sydalg 06.06.13 12:18pm
Midfield Diamond
JD Wetherspoon win local authority school dinner contract.

Education chiefs in the North East have awarded pub chain JD Wetherspoon a contract to provide up to twenty thousand children their daily school dinners, in a move that has angered child health...

No Beard 06.06.13 12:10pm
NASA blames slow progress of its Mars rover on French programmer

Amid growing public frustration at the lack of results from the much publicised mission to Mars of the Curiosity robot, NASA revealed today that they suspect a large part of the lack of productivity...

gregle 06.06.13 11:52am
New Summer Bank Holiday Proposed by EU

To celebrate the fist sunny day of the year, and the first appearance on the streets of skimpy summer dresses, the EU have proposed an annual "Walk around with a Stiffy day." Pfizer have agreed to...

Tom55 06.06.13 11:15am
Boris Johnson is a real person. Latest

Rumours that the Mayor of London is in fact the muppet-type creation of a bunch of school chums who once hoped to gain more pudding from the refectory were strenuously denied this morning. It has...

colophon 06.06.13 9:56am
Mau Mau apology in sarcastic voice with rolling eyes doesn't count, say Kenyans 0
cinquecento 06.06.13 9:30am
School of Painting by Numbers opens in London. You red it first here. 0
drtrade 06.06.13 8:38am
Cow "over the moon" at being made heroine of nursery rhyme 6
sydalg 06.06.13 8:22am
Thought-controlled helicopter 'is now a Scientologist' 0
pere floza 06.06.13 8:02am
pere floza
Thought controlled helicopter flies in and out of tunnel

or is it a chopper...

Rootin Tootin 06.06.13 7:58am
Rootin Tootin
Paul McKenna hijacks thought-controlled helicopter 0
cinquecento 06.06.13 7:38am
Dr Oetkers family anguish that he gave up medicine to make crap pizzas. 2
MADJEZ 06.06.13 7:04am
custard cream
Thought controlled helicopter crashes as pilot momentarily distracted 0
custard cream 06.06.13 7:01am
custard cream
Texas looking forward to first solar-powered execution

The sunny Lone Star State is about to enter a new era of environmentally friendly retribution, thanks to the pioneering efforts of Fred Maynard, the Governor of Ellsborough State Prison near San...

sydalg 06.06.13 6:38am
pere floza
Arson 'not representative of our peaceful ideology' says EDL community leader

More parallels soon...

pere floza 06.06.13 6:30am
pere floza
Oscar Pistorius shoots his grannie changing lightbulb

Oscar Pistorius was yesterday apologizing again, after he mistakenly shot his grandmother as he reached up to change a light-bulb in her living room. Oscar’s grannie was shot six times in her...

suki 06.06.13 5:09am
God gives Moses tablet with new Commandments app

Israel is abuzz with news of the latest gadget, which its Maker claims is programmed with a complete guide to the new moral code. “It's got the state-of-the-art decimal system of Commandments”,...

sydalg 06.06.13 4:36am
Shepherding for Dummies

Shepherding for Dummies to be published next month. You herd it here first...

drtrade 06.06.13 4:06am
Public warned about bogus lollipop men.

The police are warning the public to be on the lookout for a growing number of bogus, unqualified lollipop men operating across Britain. Their numbers have risen sharply over the past eighteen months...

sredni vashta 06.06.13 3:34am
FA launch daily England kit

In time for Friday night at the pub, the FA today launched England’s newest football kit. Modeled by John Terry in the ‘Dog and Duck’, Plaistow, the kit contained classic elements of last...

suki 06.06.13 3:12am
Breaking News: Jihadists Friday Prayer BBQ catastrophe at Muswell Hill Mosque 0
06.06.13 12:43am
Dictator's distorted vision of reality to be fixed with Google Glass 1
Dumbnews 05.06.13 11:59pm
sredni vashta
Joe Walsh fined for spending too much time in the fast lane 3
Smart Alex 05.06.13 11:53pm
Britain's toilet seat makers celebrate yet another germ comparison study triumph

Britain's toilet seat makers were cock a hoop last night after 'cleaning up' in yet another bacteria benchmark. In the last year, toilet seats have been pitched against train seats, make up bags...

ronseal 05.06.13 9:54pm
German "plus-size" economy splits feminists

A recent ad campaign to promote the EU has caused much consternation in the female community. Rather than using the gaunt, deficit-ridden image of a bronzed, southern European nation, marketing...

Wrenfoe 05.06.13 7:35pm
Rebel Tory backbenchers reveal plans to stop Ministers hogging the middle ground 1
Scronnyglonkle 05.06.13 7:26pm