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Spectators walk out of women's weightlifting snatch event

Confused spectators have been complaining about being misled by the women's weightlifting event. "I was looking forward to the women's snatch followed by the traditional jerk and clean, what I didn't...

apepper 30.07.12 5:47pm
Queen’s opening ceremony ‘speaking role’ sparks Equity strike

A row has broken out amongst the acting community, after an elderly woman without an equity card took part in a prime-time drama. Known simply as ‘The Queen’, the woman has no history of acting...

30.07.12 5:14pm
Olympics diving competitors to wear pyjamas and retrieve rubber brick 1
seymour totti 30.07.12 4:38pm
custard cream
Military on standby following BBC's extended coverage of Olympic 'non sports'

Rumours are circulating this evening that official Olympic broadcaster, the BBC, may have to call on the assistance of the already beleaguered armed forces to supply emergency presenters to help...

Duff 30.07.12 4:30pm
Olympic starter to be replaced by Pelican crossing. 0
button 30.07.12 2:42pm
Empty Olympic seats actually occupied by German beach towels 0
seymour totti 30.07.12 2:38pm
seymour totti
Empty Olympic Stadium Seats to be filled with Wogans

Following criticism of empty seats at Olympic venues, the BBC has agreed to open an emergency vault of Wogans to sit into the breach. "It's an open secret at the BBC that we've been storing Wogans...

30.07.12 1:12pm
Golgeau Treize
Incredible String Band "lacked incredibilty" says new sixties retrospective 4
nickb 30.07.12 1:11pm
Golgeau Treize
Olympic pool "to be carbonated" in response to sponsor demands

Olympic pool "to be carbonated" in response to sponsor demands...

BAJDixon 30.07.12 12:41pm
Storm over full seats at Olympic sailing

Olympic organisers are trying to discover who is responsible for the full seats at the Olympic sailing events. Lord Coe explained; "It's a bit of a mystery; who on Earth wants to watch 6 tiny boats...

apepper 30.07.12 12:29pm
Ryan Giggs Anthem Protest Sparks Royal Affair Fever

Gossip columnists, armed with information from 'reliable sources', are convinced that GB soccer captain, Ryan Giggs, has been dumped by a member of the Royal Family. Following yesterday's brief...

30.07.12 12:06pm
Medal ceremony to be rerun as athlete fails to bite medal for cameras

Gregor Bibik, the Ukrainian Men's 4 x 500m Individual Prone champion will have to receive his gold medal for a second time this evening, after journalists moaned that he hadn't done the thing where...

Golgeau Treize 30.07.12 12:03pm
Desperation to fill seats causes Coe to lie across four at press conference 0
Basil_B 30.07.12 10:55am
Televised archery blamed for a rise in 'bow and arrow crime'

Crime figures out today have shown a decrease in all areas of crime, with one notable exception. Televised Archery has been blamed for the alarming rise in ‘bow and arrow’ crime. Bernard...

Perks 30.07.12 10:42am
Lewis Hamilton wins GB's first Gold in the Motorised Olympics

At the London Hungaroring...

Rootin Tootin 30.07.12 9:43am
Rootin Tootin
Boy, 16, becomes first to overdose on 'Olympics'

The current craze sweeping the nation of doing Olympics has claimed its first victim today, with a boy - who cannot be named - dying of acute over-excitement after consuming over 30 'tickets' of the...

quango 30.07.12 8:07am
Sting takes silver medal for GB as he comes 2nd in Olympic tantric sex final 6
charlies_hat 30.07.12 7:56am
Obamacare takes the silver in national health championships.

"Just you wait until the dental event!" said the smiling President...

Maverick 30.07.12 7:25am
Satirists strangely quiet about NHS promo in opening ceremony.

World wide audience bemused and confused...

Maverick 30.07.12 7:24am
Warren commission denies anyone was on the grassy knoll at the opening ceremony. 0
Maverick 30.07.12 7:21am
Euphoria as GB girls fail to win their races 0
medici2471 30.07.12 6:45am
Soldiers step into replace missing athletes...

First we had soldiers stepping into to fill in the gap left by G4S and as if that wasn't embarrassing enough for LOCOG they then had to bring in extra soldiers to fill in the empty seats in many of...

hardev 29.07.12 10:30pm
Queen plays Helen Mirren. More soon.

Bit late, I know...

Al OPecia 29.07.12 10:16pm

Olympic hopeful Mark Jones, from Bournemouth, yesterday won the 400 meter hurdles at the Olympic Trials in a new world record of 46.5 seconds. Mark, a graduate from Cambridge University, was...

spur of the moment 29.07.12 8:04pm
Cheshire Cat
India storm to top the 2012 Olympics Offended Nations table

The entire Indian Olympic contingent stormed to the top of the offended nations table after a post-graduate woman from Bangalore gatecrashed the team's entrance to the opening ceremony procession,...

ginty 29.07.12 7:44pm
Acceptability of edgy comedy to be determined by Hawkeye

The Hawkeye system used in cricket and tennis is to be trialled in the world of comedy to establish definitively whether an attempt at a joke crosses the line or not. Each joke is automatically...

Midfield Diamond 29.07.12 6:29pm
Olympic Games may close “as early as Thursday”

Olympic Games may close “as early as Thursday” Empty seats, indicating widespread public indifference, may bring about a premature end to the 30th modern Olympiad, with some commentators...

backwards7 29.07.12 5:38pm
Dressage to feature land mines 'to make it more interesting' 1
Scroat 29.07.12 3:17pm
Top Ram Causes Mass Bleatings and Sheep Stampedes

Top Ram Causes Mass Bleatings and Sheep Stampedes The Top Ram, known to initiate lots of bleatings such as “Wolves don’t kill sheep, sheep do, bleat bleat.” and “Sheep have the right to bear...

Cheshire Cat 29.07.12 12:48pm
Cheshire Cat
Many empty seats at Womens Beach Volleyball, though mens toilet cubicles full. 0
MADJEZ 29.07.12 11:53am