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The News before it happens

Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim

Fears are growing over the mental state of Donald Trump following an extraordinary claim he made earlier. During a nationwide address, and as his claque of his boot-licking sycophants looked on in stunned silence, Trump claimed he created the Universe. Speaking from the Oval Office he said: 'You know the Universe is my baby. Yes it is. I was just sitting there in my void of nothingness one day when I got the idea. And what a great idea it turned out to be, too. One of the ver

Chipchase

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Prince of Wales may have to be "scuttled" after breakdown

The Prince of Wales had to be suspended from duties after breaking down in tears and being towed to the nearest palace. 'Honestly, this is not the first time this has happened with the Prince of Wales,' said a Buckingham House insider. 'He's always breaking down about something or other. This time, it seems he was upset about his propeller shaft. 'f we keep on having these breakdowns, we're going to have to think very seriously about scuttling the Prince of Wales at Scapa Flo

Jeremynh

Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again

All social media users everywhere have agreed never to believe anything posted from now on. NewsBiscuit is unaffected.

lucienne

Israel signs latest one-sided ceasefire with Lebanon

This is the best ceasefire deal we could get for our darling child, Israel,' said US Secretary of State Marco Rubiks-Cube.

Jeremynh

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 12th June 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

I am sensing that you are both Pisces

WINNER I am sensing that you are both Pisces lockjaw RUNNERS UP "Your future looks fishy to me" sirlupus Well, I can definitely see an X, so you're either going to find buried treasure or have a win on the pools robfalconer You're about to get catfished. How do you feel about that? jeremynh Passengers for the Titan submersible Mark II were leaving nothing to chance. Paul L

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

WINNER Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late robfalconer RUNNERS UP Look! A dinosaur-sized squirrel. granger Dinosaur community feeling the brunt of anorexia epidemic. sydalg That one's called Keir, next to Wes, and the one on the left is called Andy deskpilot

Breaking News

World cup competition hotting up

Flesh merchant sues BBC for calling him flesh merchant

Donald Trump maintains role of America's Supreme Loser

Man planning marathon dressed as baby completes dummy run

New British £500 note to feature a monkey

Today at 11:30 AM - Radio 4 broadcasts a report from France - 'From Our Rhône Correspondent'

Andy Burnham will be Running in the Derby today, as a warm up for Makerfield

Andrew rented royal cottages on Heir bnb

Features

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Aries You will get a big birthday surprise this month. Let’s just say that a Supermax prison isn’t the safest place in the world. Taurus You better wake up and smell the coffee, you punkass bitch, or someone’s gonna put a cap in your ass. Gemini You think that you’re the capo di tuttu capo in this territory, Donnie, but your craziness is affecting business with other outfits. Time to consider putting your feet up, let the kids run the show. Improve your golf handicap. Cancer

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Give a monkey some graph paper and a box of crayons

British summer: time to move the TV into the conservatory

Hey, JD! Shut your stoopid racist mouth!

A quintessentially English summer

From the Archive

Tory party divided about whether Tory party is split

There has been a mixed reaction to MP Natalie Elphicke's claim that the Tory party is not split. "I think she's wrong, and so do many of my colleagues", said Chris Grayling, who wished to remain nameless, but ticked the wrong box. Polling suggests that around half the party think the party is unified, the other half disagree. image from pixabay www.newsbiscuit.com First published 8 Jun 2022 If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in ou

Queen asks Paddington to form new government

During a break in filming their Platinum Jubilee sketch, the Queen was overheard asking Paddington Bear to form a new government of national unity or ‘marmalade coalition’. A spokesbear roared ‘We’re getting Brexit pursued by a bear done. In terms of candidates for the top jobs, we’ve got Winnie the Pooh and Bungle from Rainbow coming in. Paddington was considering Rupert the Bear too, but in common with many Ruperts, he’s a right little Tory. Our policies will include hourly

Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer

It was an average morning for a group of multicultural college students, who were enjoying the June sunshine on their leafy campus. 'It was all so normal,' Sanjay tells us. 'Hua, Kwame, Diego, Amelia (she's gay,) and I were preparing for our upcoming exams when we heard rustling from the bushes.' They were greeted with the cold, invasive eye of a long-lens camera. The college photographer, 46-year-old Oliver Brown, has been tasked with designing glossy brochures for the unive

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Politics

Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim

Israel signs latest one-sided ceasefire with Lebanon

This is the best ceasefire deal we could get for our darling child, Israel,' said US Secretary of State Marco Rubiks-Cube.

Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman

'Starmer is playing with fire listening to Sarah Connor. She is clearly delusional' said Blair in a 6000 word essay.

Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Disgraced former Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, will be represented in court by his lawnmower.

Hampshire Police hold 'spot the victim' finger painting classes

Hampshire Police are retraining all their dimmest officers in how to spot the victim of a knife attack by giving them innovative finger painting exercises to do.

Mojtaba Khamenei - Starmer's biggest fan

The Supreme Leader of Iran, Mojtaba Khamenei, is - surprisingly - a devout fan of the British Prime Minister, Keir Starmer.

Interpol searching for Nigel Farage

The Metropolitan Police has thrown its collective arms up in despair after searching fruitlessly for weeks for the not-usually-publicity-shy Reform leader.

Government to open 1100 new hospital wards

Every hospital will site a new ward on unused roof space or in a car park. The 'outdoor ward' initiative will give patients the benefit of natural sunlight and fresh air.

Rochdale Man Tells Of His Heartbreak Over Reform Rejection

A semi-literate Rochdale man has broken his silence over the heartbreak of failing to be selected as a Reform candidate in the local elections.

Sentenced for a crime she didn't commit. If you have a problem, maybe you can hire A-Sturgeon

Nicola Sturgeon joined the SNP at 16, immediately specialising in constitutional law and improvised armoured van construction.

Prince of Wales may have to be "scuttled" after breakdown

Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

Teachers' Unions have issued a new report concerning the latest trend amongst teenage boys adopting extreme and alarming practices to improve or 'Maxx' their own brains.

English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays, with many not even suitable for a 10 part podcast.

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Airline boss tells UK holidaymakers to arrive for flight home before flight out has left

British holidaymakers should arrive at their European departure airports at least a month before leaving the UK for a 2 week holiday. Thanks for flying Brexit Airways.

Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Pharmacies in England with a treatment room will soon be able to perform minor operations to help speed up care and ease pressure on GPs and hospitals. Pharmacists can currently prescribe medication for some common medical conditions, mostly the embarrassing ones. ‘Extra large tube of haemorrhoid cream for Mrs Higgins?’ ‘Yes, fine.’

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

"We can think of no better way of drawing international tourists to the North-West of England," said a spokes-fridge magnet for Visit Britain, "than to build a large glass bowl around the ancient edifice of Carlisle Castle, flood it, and then put in a school of goldfish.

CEO of biggest house builder in Britain says they wouldn’t like to be a first-time buyer right now

Following their £2,500,000,000 merger, Barrett and Redrow are the biggest house builder in Britain and would really like the government to inspire them and help them out. “It's supply and demand, really. We are demanding the Government supply us with an incentive to build more houses. There just doesn’t seem much profit in it.

Red Arrows to be made from paper

As part of a cost cutting measure, the iconic flight team will be carefully constructed from paper and the occasional rubber band. They will represent the UK internationally by being mailed in a large envelope. Diplomatic missions now involve carefully unfolding them on arrival and apologising for any creases.

Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

"So we're having a few days of sunshine, and no doubt Labour will try and take credit for it ahead of the Makerfield by-election," Nigel Farage told reporters, while slapping on Rothmans Factor 50 sunblock.

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again

All social media users everywhere have agreed never to believe anything posted from now on. NewsBiscuit is unaffected.

Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness

Have you ever wondered why Donald Trump tries to get a peace deal with Iran by repeatedly bombing it? Or why he ever attacked Iran in the first place?

A level Mathematics paper leaked on line

An A level Mathematics paper leaked online has questions about student loans - unnerving those students answering.

Royal Family to be turned into Data Centres

In a bold move to modernise the Royal Family, plans have been drawn up to turn the entire institution into a data centre.

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs. Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution. Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper a

Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes. The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis. M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato... 'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket pota

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun. Of course, there is a serious side to these unusu

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile. "We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age. "But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is. "So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment.

Security warning about bogus roadworks

MI5 have flagged a serious security threat from bogus roadmenders. The service has noted over a dozen incidents where roadworks were carried out, but were not authorised by the local council, and were not traceable to a recognised utility company. The roadmenders vans often bear the names of genuine companies and claims to be working as subcontractors for legitimate companies, or for Thames Water. The signage, the traffic cones, and the complete absence of any work happening,

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

From NewsBiscuit special correspondent herculepoisson Marine biologists have today found a new form of crustacean with unprecedented qualities of adhesion. 'What's unique about this creature is that it is a land-based barnacle,' said Professor Steve Simpson of the University of Plymouth. 'It seems to adhere to exclusive central London properties and then refuse, under any circumstances, to relinquish its grip and leave.' The more common marine-based crustaceans are noted for

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

AI writed this headline: The future is now

It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever. Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oop

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Britain's biscuit industry is reeling following the government's announcement that Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped.

Local News

Ed Davey announces stand-up show at Palladium

Ed Davey has announced a 100-night residency at the London Palladium on the back of Davey's barnstorming PMQ's performance this week, where he delivered a zinger of a gag.

BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'

Next year's BAFTA Film Awards are merging Best Actor in a Leading Role and Best Actress in a Leading Role into one award, honouring Mortal Kombat II.

Trump hails the World Cup

'The World Cup is brilliant,' says Donald Trump, 'even though soccer is not a proper sport. We love it even so. American Football is obviously better, just because it is so much better.

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

The jazz world is mourning the passing of a colossus of the tenor saxophone this week, the legendary, towering figure of Sonny Rollins who has died at age of 174. He passed away peacefully in New York surrounded by family, the ghost of John Coltrane – his old sparring partner, and a beautiful set of changes to A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.

Flies deny they have no common sense

A spokesfly has hit out strongly at claims that flies lack basic common sense. ‘Look, we only live for a couple of weeks, a month tops, so the complete works of Shakespeare would be a push, but we have artists. Oh yeah. Brian, one of my siblings, made up a new buzzing sound. Who knows what else he might have invented if that spider hadn’t got him on Day 9? Taken too soon.

Spurs seek open-top bus for “We’re Staying Up” parade

Tottenham Hotspur FC, having narrowly managed to remain in the Premier League, are looking for an open-top bus for their “We’re Staying Up” parade through north-west London.

Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

A ballroom being built will now also include lots of things for perverts to do. No one really knows why there will be a dance floor, as the wretched psychopaths who will be invited to the gauche annex are so self-despising and bored with life that they are only interested in shoving things up themselves and others. The playpen had confused some speculators, but a pervert insider confirmed that is where the live food will be corralled. An area to the side is the childbrain of

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

We honestly had no idea what Liverpool was like, before setting it as Gotham City, the most crime-ridden city in Yankeeland, the producer of the next Batman film told Newsbiscuit. Standing next to the Batmobile perched on bricks, while the crew waited for replacement wheels to arrive, he went on to say “We’ve only been in town a couple of days, but I’m already liking Liverpool. Such a wonderful sense of humour the people here have.” image by Gemini Google

Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification. Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of

Prince William sells off 20% of Cornwall-which is all of the pasty filling

The Prince of Wales is cashing in on the fact that a pasty is essentially a treasure chest where the treasure is edible and the chest is made of cardboard and sawdust. It’s the only food where the filling is the meal and the rest is concrete. The twenty percent represents all of the tasty part and the only recognisable section that be considered actual food—leaving us with a hollow shell of a crust, a bit like Prince Andrew. Said a Royal spokeswoman; 'The crust isn’t there fo

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Prince of Wales may have to be "scuttled" after breakdown

Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again

Israel signs latest one-sided ceasefire with Lebanon

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 12th June 2026

I am sensing that you are both Pisces

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

World cup competition hotting up

Flesh merchant sues BBC for calling him flesh merchant

Donald Trump maintains role of America's Supreme Loser

Man planning marathon dressed as baby completes dummy run

New British £500 note to feature a monkey

Today at 11:30 AM - Radio 4 broadcasts a report from France - 'From Our Rhône Correspondent'

Andy Burnham will be Running in the Derby today, as a warm up for Makerfield

Andrew rented royal cottages on Heir bnb

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Give a monkey some graph paper and a box of crayons

British summer: time to move the TV into the conservatory

Hey, JD! Shut your stoopid racist mouth!

A quintessentially English summer

Tory party divided about whether Tory party is split

Queen asks Paddington to form new government

Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer

Our annual for 2021-22

Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim

Israel signs latest one-sided ceasefire with Lebanon

Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman

Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Hampshire Police hold 'spot the victim' finger painting classes

Mojtaba Khamenei - Starmer's biggest fan

Interpol searching for Nigel Farage

Government to open 1100 new hospital wards

Rochdale Man Tells Of His Heartbreak Over Reform Rejection

Sentenced for a crime she didn't commit. If you have a problem, maybe you can hire A-Sturgeon

Prince of Wales may have to be "scuttled" after breakdown

Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Airline boss tells UK holidaymakers to arrive for flight home before flight out has left

Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

CEO of biggest house builder in Britain says they wouldn’t like to be a first-time buyer right now

Red Arrows to be made from paper

Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again

Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness

A level Mathematics paper leaked on line

Royal Family to be turned into Data Centres

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

Stand off over baked potatoes

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

Security warning about bogus roadworks

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Council plans annual black bin collections

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Today's Christmas Card report

AI writed this headline: The future is now

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Ed Davey announces stand-up show at Palladium

BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'

Trump hails the World Cup

The many lives of Sonny Rollins

Flies deny they have no common sense

Spurs seek open-top bus for “We’re Staying Up” parade

Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Prince William sells off 20% of Cornwall-which is all of the pasty filling