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Financial news - Shares in jelly manufacturer wobble as profits warning issued.

.more soon...

DiY 13.02.12 3:16pm
Abu Hamza wins Contact Lens Wearer Of The Year award 0
cinquecento 13.02.12 2:58pm
Retired prozzie turned milk distributor tells all in Secret Dairy of a Call Girl

A prostitute who was struggling to make ends meet takes a part time job distributing milk. At first, she tells herself it's for one round only, but soon she's addicted to the lifestyle. The early...

ronseal 13.02.12 2:46pm
John Terry : "Suarez has brought racism, non-handshakes into disrepute"

On-again, off-again England football captain, John Terry slammed Luis Suarez for bringing shame on both racism and non-handshakes with his eloquently worded apology released yesterday. "Nice syntax...

Mr Target 13.02.12 2:44pm
All eyes on Hutus and Tutsi handshake before next outbreak of war 0
ronseal 13.02.12 2:05pm
Blatter admits handshaking might not be the best way to resolve racial tensions 0
ianslat 13.02.12 1:59pm
BAFTAs; The Artist wins Best Foreign Language Film 1
beau-jolly 13.02.12 1:46pm
Hungry Christians welcome the Little Mac “Communionburger™”

Churchgoers suffering from prematurely rumbling Sunday tum have a treat in store. It’s circular and a little over an inch and a quarter in diameter. Other than that, it’s got exactly the same...

nickb 13.02.12 1:45pm
Archaeologists uncover 'ancient white dog poo'

Archaeologists digging at a site near Lincoln, have unearthed a relic not seen by anyone under the age of 25. The mysterious 'white crumbly artifact' is believed to date back to Thatcherian times and...

Perks 13.02.12 1:27pm
Surge in Underwear Sales on EBay

Popular unwanted tat auction site EBay today reported an unprecedented surge in items of ladies lingerie for sale this week. Thousands of unwanted basques, teddies and exotic corsetry are going...

LizzyG 13.02.12 1:25pm
Major Clanger
Supreme Court rules 'no more prayers in church'

The supreme court has today announced that praying in churches should be banned as it 'infringes the human rights' of those visiting the establishments, but have no religious beliefs. The ruling...

Perks 13.02.12 1:24pm
Singer misses Grammys after one too many grammies 0
dvo4fun 13.02.12 1:18pm
Wheelchair menace threatens Midlands city

The Chief Constable of Nottingham today appealed to the Government for additional funding to tackle the growing threat of motorised wheelchair and disabled scooter gangs. “The city centre is...

Major Clanger 13.02.12 1:04pm
Major Clanger
Ice-fall woman, 90, accused of ‘diving’ by off-duty football ref.

The Football Association has granted pensioner Edith Perkins the right of appeal against a straight red card shown her by off-duty football referee Ron Withenshaw. The incident occurred during a...

malgor 13.02.12 1:01pm
Major Clanger
Abu Qatada tipped as next England manager

Commentators have predicted that extremist preacher Abu Qatada will soon be appointed England football manager on the grounds that he will be paid less than if he claimed welfare benefits. The...

roybland 13.02.12 12:57pm
BBC annouce new post watershed entertainment show "Gloryhole in the wall" 2
button 13.02.12 12:55pm
British Museum offer bailiff services in case of Greek default

The British Museum Plc, the world reknowned debt collection agency, has entered into the first round of tendering for the prized contract of repossessing Greece's assets if they fall behind in their...

quango 13.02.12 12:51pm
Major Clanger
Saudi cannabis smoker stoned 9
medici2471 13.02.12 12:46pm
Major Clanger
Kevin Costner weeps as co-star Whitney described as '..and actress' 4
MADJEZ 13.02.12 12:42pm
911 call tape released, 'Houston, we have a problem' 3
Immunis 13.02.12 12:37pm
Major Clanger
Infant shows Levinson Enquiry vandalised ceiling ornament

“my mobile’s been hacked”...

John Ffitch-Rucker 13.02.12 12:37pm
Tanned tabloid journalist accused of lying in The Sun

Surely must have done before but an admittedly very quick Internet search seems to say not...

Smart Alex 13.02.12 12:36pm
Major Clanger
So a man's had a baby? Oh per-lease, says columnist. Women do it all the time

Janet Street Porter was cock a hoop this morning, after friends say she has identified a new seam of sexism in the media. It's hoped the discovery could support about a year's worth of columns. The...

ronseal 13.02.12 12:32pm
Sport in crisis as footballers leave teams to help communities

A recent spate of highly paid footballers leaving their teams to become voluntary 5-a-side coaches and scout masters has resulted in a catastrophic shortage of Premiership players. Many of the...

kimllfixit 13.02.12 12:29pm
Petrol station flowers a more acceptable Valentine gift than graveyard flowers

Valentine's Day flowers bought at the last minute from a petrol station forecourt are better received by a beloved than flowers stolen in a panic from a graveyard according to a survey by Bride...

roybland 13.02.12 12:23pm
Major Clanger
Large television sets blamed for decline in huddling

The traditional practice of families huddling around their TV sets is almost obsolete since the development of sets with larger screens, a government report on the state of the family warns. The...

roybland 13.02.12 12:16pm
Major Clanger
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three wrongs make a writ 0
ronseal 13.02.12 11:08am
Astronaut has second thoughts on 'The DaVinci Code'

"I tried reading it back on Earth", admitted NASA astronaut Eugene C. Warpfactor, "and to be totally honest, once I'd put it down I couldn't pick it up. However, up here in the weightless conditions...

Smart Alex 13.02.12 10:57am
Whitney gags 1
cinquecento 13.02.12 10:50am
2013 Grammy's to include 'best hyperbole for this years dead addict' award

jeez - it's getting on my nerves...

charlies_hat 13.02.12 10:47am