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'Isle of Wight firefighters failing the needy' claims report

Hundreds of islanders are being left scared and vulnerable as a result of 'inappropriate' calls to the Isle of Wight's Fire Brigade. According to a report, which comes after yesterday's incident in...

Robopop 11.10.13 4:29pm
Woman finally accepts her sexuality after being pursued by ‘local slut’ Rebecca

Genette Evans, a 33 year old woman Devon, says she has finally come out as a homosexual after being pursued in pop-ups by ‘local slut' Rebecca for over three years. She says she had always known...

TobiasBV 11.10.13 3:02pm
Ronnie O'Sullivan claims he was offered £250,000 to win a snooker tournament

Snooker player "Rocket" Ronnie O'Sullivan opened a fresh bag of controversy today by claiming that the WPBSA (World Professional Billiards & Snooker Association, the governing body for snooker)...

NewBiscuit 11.10.13 3:01pm
Inquest concludes Ariel Castro "jerked off mortal coil" 0
sydalg 11.10.13 2:10pm
GP Claims Practice Does NOT Make Perfect

After 20 years of practising medicine, Dr Hans Warmer has revealed he is still no closer to being perfect. "I was always under the impression that one practices to improve one's skills and...

Flugelbinder 11.10.13 1:40pm
England players to receive win bonus of 40 Benson & Hedges

England’s highly paid smokers are set to pocket 40 free ciggies if they can overcome the minnows of Montenegro later today. Manager Roy Hodgson gave the go ahead for the controversial bonus...

Gary Stanton 11.10.13 1:21pm
Arrested Greenpeace activists denied bale in case they jump ship 0
Sinnick 11.10.13 12:04pm
Computer Manufacturer Shuts Down Unexpectedly 3
Flugelbinder 11.10.13 11:51am
Libyan PM released by captors after William Hague tells them to

Armed terrorist who were holding Libyan Prime Minister Ali Zeidan have released him unconditionally after hearing that William Hague demanded his release. The leader of the terrorists, Ali...

John Wiltshire 11.10.13 11:40am
Fresher's disappointment that nobody gives a fuck if he skips tutorials or not

After just a few weeks at university, Charlie Smith is already disillusioned with his life there. Although he concedes that the 'boozing, the shagging and the drugs' is superior to the comp he...

roybland 11.10.13 11:13am
Plastic surgery consultancy goes "tits up"

Hat tip to whoever...

AReader 11.10.13 11:13am
Cameron “prefers Strictly when Brucie isn’t on” revealed by leaked documents

As The Guardian continues to publish leaked top-secret documents, one shocking revelation has come to light. E-mails from David Cameron to members of his cabinet have disclosed that, amongst other...

james_doc 11.10.13 11:02am
Drug dealer seeks media customers, takes up poetry in new series: Breaking Bard

Driven to despair by his regular customers, drug dealer Dave Kitson has an ambitious plan to go up market. But breaking into the media is never easy. You gotta know somebody, who knows somebody,...

ronseal 11.10.13 11:01am
Russians ask when The Guardian will start printing things they don't know

The head of the Russian People's Democratic Party (KGB for short) has demanded to know when The Guardian will start printing 'secrets' that it doesn't know already. 'It is disgrace!' said Mr V Putin...

John Wiltshire 11.10.13 10:59am
John Wiltshire
Indestructible Watch Company Hit Hard Times 0
Flugelbinder 11.10.13 10:59am
Smoothie Manufacturers Go Into Liquidation

Hat tip ludicity...

Flugelbinder 11.10.13 10:57am
Bra Manufacturers Go Bust 0
Flugelbinder 11.10.13 10:56am
Company Doing Their Job Gain Nobel Peace Prize

What next An author winning the literature prize?...

Flugelbinder 11.10.13 10:42am
Archbishop calls for more smiting of evil-doers

In what was widely interpreted as a shift away from the Christian messages of love and forgiveness, the Reverend Justin Welby called on God today to use his powers to smite the evil-doers of the...

blacklesbianandproudofit 11.10.13 10:30am
Shareholders receive 'Tried to deliver your Mail shares but you were out' cards. 0
MADJEZ 11.10.13 10:26am
Boeing Dreamliner passengers shocked to reach destination

A Boeing Dreamliner operated by Japanese Airlines today reached its destination with all parts of the cutting edge jetliner still on the plane, and with no bits on fire. On the approach to Narita...

suki 11.10.13 10:17am
Jesus H
Nick Clegg talked safely back down to earth after vote collapses.

Nick Clegg, passenger in a light political party somewhere over Middle Britain was talked safely down to the ground after his vote collapsed leaving him spiralling out of control. He'd been totally...

Boutros 11.10.13 10:13am
Facebook introduces 'Enemies' category

Social networking site Facebook has announced that it intends to supplement its existing 'Contacts' and 'Friends with' user categories with a new 'Enemies' category for people you hate or cannot...

antharrison 11.10.13 10:11am
Miley Cyrus releases own range of ‘penis beakers’

Not content to promote her new album with an obligatory graphic video, twitter rant and sense of desperation; the new ‘Queen of Shock’ has decided sell glass and tupperware, themed around the...

Wrenfoe 11.10.13 8:53am
Nobel Peace Prize to be decided by paint ball shoot-out. 0
Boutros 11.10.13 8:35am
'Live Each Day Like a Functioning Alcoholic' business book helps you prioritise

A new lifestyle and business book promises to help people concentrate on the basic essentials of life and forget the time wasting stressful distractions of modern living. "Live Each Day Like a...

ronseal 11.10.13 8:29am
WW2 Naval hero, Bosun Higgs, pleased at overdue recognition by Nobel Committee. 0
FOAD 11.10.13 5:21am
Nationwide celebrations as Britain selected to receive 250 free business cards.

More soon if we're lucky...

sredni vashta 11.10.13 1:49am
sredni vashta
Amazon no longer friends with customers as '…recommends' function becomes honest

Upset has erupted this week after's famous 'Amazon recommends' function has been adjusted by the site's designers to be more frank with their consumers. Despite 'honesty is the best...

TobiasBV 11.10.13 1:46am
sredni vashta
BBC Announces Plans to Destroy Doctor Who Episodes

Doctor Who fans have ercently befome overjoyed with the announcement that nine old episode of the series have recently been recovede. These were episodes from the fifth-season serials “The Enemy of...

lordblackadder 11.10.13 12:14am