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G4S Olympic security arrangements: “Will all be in place by August.”

“Over the 7 year period since London was awarded the Games our security arrangements are less than four weeks behind with a fortnight to go; around a mere 1-2% overall.” said Home Secretary...

dvo4fun 13.07.12 1:11pm
Cheryl Cole writes 'book'...

a triumph for remedial education., Hat-tip to cue-ball...

Thor 13.07.12 12:07pm
Posh Spice fails in heroic attempt at a four minute smile 1
simonjmr 13.07.12 11:04am
Poor people to be allowed access to landfill sites at meal times

The Government has announced that benefit claimants and those on low wages are to be offered the chance to subsidise their income by being given access to public landfill sites to scavenge for food....

Corrigan 13.07.12 10:58am
May announces Boris Bikes "intergral" part of Olympic air defences

There is "no question" of Olympics security being compromised, the home secretary has said, after it emerged that 4,000 Boris Bikes will be drafted in to form an integral part of the Olympic air...

simonjmr 13.07.12 10:55am
Cheryl Cole writes book.

Inspired by her recent reading of "Fifty Shades of Grey", whilst on holiday in Las Vegas, all round pain in the arse Cheryl Cole has decided to pen her own erotic novelette for the discerning lady...

cueball 13.07.12 10:34am
M.O.D confident of winning gold in Olympic shooting competition

Failing that they'll 'remove' the opposition...

Psycadelic Squirrel 13.07.12 9:33am
Psycadelic Squirrel
Disneylogians hail discovery of ritual, horse-shoed mouse fossils

Leading Disney theologians have spoken of their excitement, following the discovery of the fossilized remains of four tiny mice. Crescent-shaped ore deposits hint at feet shod with horse-shoes, the...

13.07.12 8:43am
Life Peers to be replaced by wanking monkeys in house of lords overhaul

In a surprise U-turn this morning, the government have publicly abandoned plans for an elected house of Lords, instead taking the tough decision to replace all life peers with a crate load of wanking...

The Masked Frog 13.07.12 6:39am
GB Olympic rowing team seeking bail-out

more soon Hat; coat; door...

dvo4fun 13.07.12 6:37am
Hoodies Win Toss And Choose To Loot First

In the all-important 2nd Riot of the Ashes series the Hoodies have won the toss and have chosen to loot first., On what’s looking to be green, fresh conditions the Hoodies are expected to open...

daneade 13.07.12 5:23am
‘Wogan’s Run’ programme to solve pension crisis

David Cameron unveiled the coalition government’s controversial new plan to control an ever aging population today, and in doing so solve the current pension crisis. Enforced euthanasia at age 80...

button 13.07.12 5:08am
Theresa May announces new Olympics security arrangements

Home Secretary Theresa May has announced that the Powder Puff Girls have been contracted to provide additional Olympics security. "Their superpowers will come in very handy and they have substantial...

GrahamB 12.07.12 10:48pm
Army called in after singing group G4 left in charge of Olympic security. 0
MADJEZ 12.07.12 10:45pm
G4S changes name back to Group 4 after Olympic embarrassment. 0
MADJEZ 12.07.12 10:42pm
John Terry evidence throws nation into chaos

Britain's normal daily routine was totally disrupted yesterday when Radio 4 listers up and down the country mistook a recording of John Terry's evidence at Westminster Magistrates' Court for the...

Scroat 12.07.12 10:08pm
Heathrow third runway to be built at Stansted

The plan to build Heathrow's third runway at Stanstead will upgrade the Essex airport while easing fears of noise pollution in West London, said Phil Hammond, the doctor, Transport Secretary and...

nickb 12.07.12 9:59pm
Video footage shows Terry had fingers crossed so abuse doesn't count. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 12.07.12 9:42pm
Outrage as Olympic mascot, Wenlock, fails drugs test. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 12.07.12 9:36pm
Soldiers Volunteer to return to Afghanistan early rather than patrol East London

Prime Minister David Cameron was last night spotted breathing a big sigh of relief after the army was called in to provide 3500 troops to beef up security for the Olympic Games. Despite announcing...

HIGNFY 12.07.12 9:33pm
After watching Logan's Run, coalition devises new plan to solve pensions crisis 1
Smart Alex 12.07.12 9:16pm
London still in running to host 2012 Olympic Games 0
custard cream 12.07.12 9:08pm
custard cream
'50 shades of May' to feature Home Secretary that leaves everything fucked 0
Mandy Lifeboat 12.07.12 8:39pm
Mandy Lifeboat
Black Beauty sues Anna Sewell for racist slur 1
rustytruss 12.07.12 8:37pm
Mandy Lifeboat
Savers advised to put something aside for a sunny day 5
Mandy Lifeboat 12.07.12 8:35pm
Mandy Lifeboat
Olympic call for "volunteer missile firers" to free soldiers for gate duties

Olympic organisers are seeking people under sixty with good eyesight and excellent people skills to deploy and fire hi tech ballistic missiles during the Olympics. Successful applicants will be...

nickb 12.07.12 8:05pm
The Masked Frog
Olympic Medals to be decided by general public vote via phone in system

In a refreshing change to how Olympic medals will be awarded the IOC has announced that the public will decide which of the first three competitors in each event will receive the Gold, Silver and...

HIGNFY 12.07.12 7:00pm
Moyles Seeks Popularity Increase By Playing Mass Baby Murderer 0
custard cream 12.07.12 6:39pm
custard cream
Tulisa finally apologises to anyone who may have seen her sex-tape. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 12.07.12 6:35pm
Bisto to launch spicy recipe book "Fifty Shades of Gravy". More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 12.07.12 5:23pm