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CrassAlert recall after fatal collisions

CrassAlert, the new mobile device application that warns texters when they are on a collision course, has been recalled by its manufacturers, it was revealed today. The move follows an unexpected...

Arthur 25.05.13 12:14pm
Disappointment for scientists as new super-computer fails to go mad.

Scientists at Mal-Tech University, Wisconsin have expressed their immense disappointment at the failure of their new super-computer Off White to show any signs of megalomania. The technological...

sredni vashta 25.05.13 11:09am
Dick Everyman
Ugly nuns to be beautified, says Vatican spokesman. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 25.05.13 10:58am
WASP swatting, latest extreme sport 0
Dick Everyman 25.05.13 10:32am
Dick Everyman
RSPA fear attacks on cats following killing by radicalised Cumbrian tiger 0
beau-jolly 25.05.13 10:28am
Chairman of the Ramblers' Association still giving annual speech after 4 days 8
John Wiltshire 25.05.13 10:22am
World Tai Chi Champion fighter inflicts slight nosebleed on 23rd day of contest

I knew I picked the wrong sport...

AReader 25.05.13 9:43am
Clerics urge more sustainable jihads as 'peak virgin' point is passed 0
cinquecento 25.05.13 7:35am
Queen Bee Defends Use Of Drones

"How else am I supposed to get pregnant?" asked Queen Bea, monarch of Hive 6, Hillside Farm, Herefordshire. "It's the only bit of romance I get in my life, before I'm expected to return to my hive...

Titus 25.05.13 7:29am
Lindy Moone
Emoticons™ file for bankruptcy

As a result of recent high profile litigations and libel rulings, the Emoticons™ have been forced to cease trading as of today. From this point on, all sentences will end with an abrupt exclamation...

Wrenfoe 25.05.13 12:09am
sredni vashta
Historians unsure why Lincoln never finished his 'Procrastination Proclamation' 2
bonjonelson 24.05.13 9:29pm
Isle of Wight man finally fills 10Mb disk drive

Harold Andrews, the Isle of Wight's resident computer expert, has conceded he was wrong to ignore the prophetic warning that '20Mb would be better' issued in 1986 when he bought his first personal...

antharrison 24.05.13 8:32pm
Dan Brown fans burn copies of latest bestseller - 'Inferno' 1
custard cream 24.05.13 7:17pm
Experts “fed up with agreeing,” agree experts.

“It’s just lazy journalism,” says Dr Mike Smythe, Chair of Expertise at the University of Exeter. “You writers just put “Experts agree..” at the beginning of a sentence to add weight to...

nickb 24.05.13 7:08pm
Announcing the first annual PowerPoint users' conference

A non-stop programme of six informative presentations by leading PowerPoint users from around the world -- 1st July to 31st October inclusive. [Photograph shows the conference planning committee]...

Arthur 24.05.13 7:01pm
Google reveals most popular search term is 'tax avoidance' 3
custard cream 24.05.13 6:44pm
custard cream
Man Utd expect Rooney to stay after being offered Childcare Nursery Vouchers

Want-away striker Rooney is expected to reverse his decision to leave Manchester United now that personnel have agreed to allow him on to the companies nursery voucher scheme...

grottymonty 24.05.13 5:40pm
EDL outrage at health tourists 'taking all our jabs'

more soon....

custard cream 24.05.13 5:38pm
Al OPecia
Chas ‘n’ Dave conservatoire opens

Michael Gove's free-schools policy has seen the creation of an East End music school based on the words and wisdom of the internationally renowned Chas ‘n’Dave. While President Obama, this week,...

Wrenfoe 24.05.13 5:32pm
Al OPecia
Launch of Tory bigot app eases access to prejudice

Hard line Tories and the Daily Mail have announced the launch of a new app to give instant support to bigots and bigoted ideas. Speaking on behalf of the Tory party Sir Gerald Howarth said, “The...

Dick Everyman 24.05.13 4:01pm
Dick Everyman
Drone strike spoils aeromodellers’ day out.

Just seen today's front page which means this won't run but as I've bloody well written it now I'm posting it anyway: The dozens who flocked to enjoy the annual model aeroplane spectacular at...

Boutros 24.05.13 3:52pm
Buddhist cell had been 'plotting for months to sow a trail of peace across UK' 3
cinquecento 24.05.13 3:36pm
Midfield Diamond
“Daily Discrepancies” in Tuck Shop Takings See Osborne Hauled Back to School

In an embarrassing turn of events today, Hammersmith’s prestigious St Paul’s school have dragged former pupil George Osborne back for questioning, following an investigation into historic...

NorthernGravy 24.05.13 2:17pm
A man you've never heard of and a woman you've never heard of do something

A man you've never heard of and a woman you've never heard of have done something. This is highly important, which is why it is splashed all over the internet. If they have just met, they have...

John Wiltshire 24.05.13 2:14pm
John Wiltshire
Controversial Author Draws Blank Looks

Ultra-minimalist author Linda Hacker has won the Lemon Prize for Fiction's top award of £10,000 for her collection of short stories, the provocatively-named ‘Untitled’. The book consists of...

Iggy Pop-Barker 24.05.13 1:56pm
Lesbian drama tipped for Cannes' Madame Palm d'Or prize

Her five lovely daughters agree...

Landfill 24.05.13 1:50pm
Roads blocked by people going away who thought no-one else would be going away

Roads across the UK were blocked today by people going away because they all thought no-one else would be going away. Fiona Moffatt was trapped in her car with her two boys for five hours on the...

John Wiltshire 24.05.13 1:19pm
Police lack resources to track terrorists "unless they move into showbiz"

Scotland Yard has admitted that the police simply don't have the resources to track suspects, unless they move into showbiz, newspaper journalism or the CID. "There's not much we can do," said an...

ronseal 24.05.13 1:14pm
Lindy Moone
Ludicrous Pantomime Cow To Be Known In Future As A Bercow

Titus 24.05.13 12:41pm
Azerbaijan prepares for imminent invasion, after Russian Eurovision snub 0
simonjmr 24.05.13 11:34am