NATO asks for a war for Christmas
The Head of NATO said he was super excited to get play with Action Men figures, once his wish for WWIII comes true. Singing a rendition of O Come All Ye Soldiers and Jingle Shells, he declared that Europe must go to war with Russia, if he is to meet his appraisal targets. He said Santa’s Shock and Awe would ensure that Slay Bells Ring, while he encouraged all NATO members to Deck the Halls with Boughs of Ammo. When asked if he thought a winter offensive would be a good idea,
Bribe replacement service to replace gravy train over Christmas shutdown
Due to essential maintenance payments needed over the festive season, British politicians are going to be unable to catch the gravy train. Luckily the government has arranged for a bribe replacement service to be implemented so that the grift keeps on coming. The replacement service is available to local and national level politicians of all political parties. A government spokesman insisted that all bribes are eligible for Grift Aid, meaning that the taxpayer will chip in
Christmas Appeal
Could you help someone disadvantaged this Christmas? Your kindness could make a real difference. Many MPs can't get by on their salaries and expenses alone. Freebie suits and dresses and spectacles are hard to come by these days. And the long term prospects for many MPs look grim. Have you seen the opinion polls? Many MPs can't go back to their wives this Christmas, because of their challenging behaviour. Others can't use their second homes as they are being staked out by the
Farage to be given advance notice of atrocities
Nigel Farage has demanded that terror organisations give him some notice before major atrocities so he can arrange to be near a camera. The Pound Shop Messiah has had a difficult few months, with an unexplained £900k house and an only-too-well-explained 10 year sentence for his top man in Wales. ‘We can’t have nosy journalists asking Nigel about his colleague working for Russia or a potentially dodgy house deal’, a spokesman explained. ‘So he’s been staying away lately. We’re
Spaceship approaching Earth is probably a comet, say aliens
Aliens who have been hiding in plain sight for millennia and controlling every aspect of human endeavour have broken cover to deny the spaceship named 3I/ATLAS is a spacecraft and is really just a comet. Unzipping his human exoskeleton to reveal his lizard body the leader of Reform stated clearly that any similarities between the comet and a spacecraft are coincidental and there is nothing to worry about, other than it being on a crash vector certain to wipe out all civilise
Environmental Control Officers issued with state-of-the-art equipment in tighter crackdown on litter
News today Environment Control Officers are to be issued with portable electron microscopes to examine high street pavements for subatomic traces of rubber and leather being shed from the shoes of pedestrians. Those whose footwear who falls foul of inspection will be charged with littering and can expect to see on the spot fines of a cool £300 for each shoe, boot or trainer. Former abattoir slaughterman and struck-off bailiff from Reading, Baz Clampett, is now one such newly
UK to remain in Eurovision Song Contest
'On the face of it, the UK should boycott the Eurovision Song Contest, if only because it isn't a song contest. It's an exercise in political voting, which is democracy in action,' said a UK spokesman today. Most of Europe, especially Australia, the most European country in the southern hemisphere, has decided to boycott the contest because Israel, the most European not European country even allowing for Australia is still allowed in. However song experts, who don't routine
Corbyn’s new party could provide 'limitless source of cheap energy'
Scientists today announced they’ve discovered a way to turn the factional infighting of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s Your Party into a limitless source of cheap energy. 'The trouble with existing hydrogen-based fission reactors is that you have to put the material under extreme heat and pressure to make it split into its component parts,' explained Dr Bunsen Honeydew. 'So most of the energy you get out, you have to put straight back in to keep the reaction going. 'But t
Reform receive enough bricks in the post to build a new HQ
The limited company masquerading as a political party, Reform UK, have announced an interesting side effect of their latest marketing campaign; enough bricks sent back via their freepost envelope to build an entirely new headquarters. At a press conference, head of recruitment Jack Boots elaborated on the plan, telling reporters, 'It's been a great success. We expected to get people's personal information so that we could sell it on for profit to supportive media like the Da
Ukraine plot twist - it was all a dream
Keir Starmer and President Zelensky have agreed to use the Pam Ewing peace plan. With this plan, Russia withdraws to its borders, the last 50 years never happened, and Bobby Ewing becomes head of NATO. Continuity-wise, this means erasing the Putin storyline, but Zelenskyy said he has no problem with that. The entire misstep of the provoking the Russians will be put down too much cheese the night before. The fever dream will allow the show to run for another season-at least
