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It's "back to school" for lollipop lady.

300 children missed morning lessons when a crossing patrol warden caused pavement mayhem outside Teddington Junior School. But Gladys Hemp, 72, insists she was only doing her job. The combination...

Boutros 01.06.13 11:15pm
Matt Smith's request for a pay rise meets tough response. More soon. 0
deskpilot3 01.06.13 9:43pm
Les Dawson hologram goes on killing spree after a series of bad reviews

Ironically the 3D image of the veteran performer polarised the viewers. Jokes such as, "I'm not saying my mother in law is fat, but her hologram is in cinemascope!' played badly to the audience, both...

Ian Searle 01.06.13 9:34pm
Ian Searle
Tyre factory hires acupuncturist to test products 0
sydalg 01.06.13 9:26pm
Humpty Dumpty died "due to cuts in Royal staffing and cavalry facilities"

As the Humpty Dumpty enquiry draws to a close, the King has said that his horses and men were hopelessly overstretched and in no way up to the task of reassembling an egg that had fallen from a wall...

sydalg 01.06.13 9:16pm
John Humphrys called to step down over claims he has been paid to ask questions

Some of them about Fiji...

Ian Searle 01.06.13 8:31pm
Ian Searle
Pest 0
Smart Alex 01.06.13 8:27pm
Smart Alex
Scouts touch up hillside figure, Operation Yew Tree officers informed 1
topfotogmw 01.06.13 8:10pm
Motorist earns kudos by being last person not to own a personalised number plate

"Where can we get one of those?", ask jealous observers, "Was it expensive?"...

Ian Searle 01.06.13 7:43pm
Uncommonly cheerful barber ponders further uses for scissors and razor. 4
sredni vashta 01.06.13 7:14pm
sredni vashta
Gastroenteritis outbreak leads to sudden step change in most UK hospitals 5
Dick Everyman 01.06.13 6:57pm
Global warming will cause steppe change, warn Russian climatologists 4
Arthur 01.06.13 6:49pm
Lindy Moone
Flat feet major cause of instep change, warn chiropodists 0
Arthur 01.06.13 6:45pm
Man's dying wish is that he wished he'd looked both ways before crossing 6
Smart Alex 01.06.13 5:02pm
Dick Everyman
Sodor abandoned as self-aware steam trains finally take over

The Fat Controller was airlifted to safety yesterday after a pack of feral tank engines overran his house, forcing him to admit plans for a steam-driven island had gone terribly wrong. 'All I...

SuburbanDad 01.06.13 4:13pm
Congress in favour of Asteroid impact

Despite the relief of most of Earth's inhabitants that the space rock 1998 QE2 will miss by 6 million kilometres; the United States feels thwarted. On Friday morning Congress passed by a bipartisan...

Wrenfoe 01.06.13 3:57pm
Lindy Moone
Sorry I'm late; stepped in shit and had to change shoes...

and that's never, ever happened to me before. (Neat-O!)...

Lindy Moone 01.06.13 3:56pm
B&Q offer step change for customers who bought faulty ladders 2
Arthur 01.06.13 3:53pm
PowerPoint presenters make paradigm step, change in audience attitude inevitable 0
Arthur 01.06.13 2:51pm
Ahmadinejad agrees to rename country "i-Ran" as US removes IT export sanctions

US state department officials have announced a major breakthrough in economic and political relations with the state formerly known as Iran. Under the new deal involving US computing giant Apple,...

Bertrand Twisted 01.06.13 12:13pm
sredni vashta
"union of two people will not lead to polygamy" maths teachers insist 0
sillybugger 01.06.13 11:53am
Term 'crack whore' is offensive to crack whores, says crack whore 1
cinquecento 01.06.13 11:26am
Lindy Moone
Move on, there's nothing to see here. My screen froze and I saved it 3 times 1
ronseal 01.06.13 10:52am
Dick Everyman
Flasher changes mind over retirement and sticks it out for another year 1
custard cream 01.06.13 10:50am
Dick Everyman
Harassed Afghan farmer 'victim of tall poppy syndrome' 0
cinquecento 01.06.13 10:04am
Anti-gay marriage rants inadvertently fuelling pervy fantasies

Recent comments by ageing right-wingers against the legalisation of gay marriage are unintentionally giving unimaginative straight men the ammunnition for new strains of kinky fantasy, it has emerged...

Oxbridge 01.06.13 9:25am
God smites man for "not showing 'nuff respec', innit" 0
Al OPecia 01.06.13 8:16am
Al OPecia
EU directs that Batman must be called Chiropteraman. 0
Maverick 01.06.13 1:33am
Bolshoi Make Choerographic Step Change To Line Dancing To Become "Less Elitist" 0
Titus 31.05.13 10:48pm
Shock as trips to Mars might be dangerous

Space scientists around the world are reeling to the astonishing news that a journey to Mars might be risky. One scientist said, "I was planning to take the kids this summer, but now I've cancelled...

apepper 31.05.13 10:42pm