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Harryhausen's funeral to take 2 years to film

The stop motion funeral planned for Ray Harryhausen is expected to take a team of animators many months to prepare. Calls for a CGI based service have been dismissed as "not in the spirit" of Mr...

apepper 08.05.13 11:49pm
Home Secretary to declare amnesty for "pre 80s celeb offenders"

In an extraordinary move yesterday the Home Secretary Mrs Shirley Whatsit declared an amnesty for any showbiz or remotely famous person implicated in sex related scandal prior to the 80s. "The...

Drylaw 08.05.13 10:24pm
Dame Helen Mirren beats David Moyes to take over at Man Utd

Following her acclaimed recent performance as a human hair dryer outside a West End theatre...

DorsetBoy 08.05.13 10:21pm
Surprise as Chris Moyles named new Manchester United manager.

More typos soon...

MADJEZ 08.05.13 10:06pm
Sir Alex Ferguson appointed Manager Emeritus at Old Trafford 0
custard cream 08.05.13 9:25pm
custard cream
Straw thief given bale. 2
godly1966 08.05.13 9:14pm
Heston Blumenthal denies his recipes are beyond the reach of the ordinary person

Royal Stem Cells seared in liquid nitrogen with a Higgs Boson jus This is one of my favourites as the ingredients are all fresh and cheap. The secret is to serve the bosons immediately as they...

Terry 08.05.13 9:07pm
Manchester United commissions sculpture of Fergie made of chewing gum. 3
Al OPecia 08.05.13 9:05pm
Archbishop of Canterbury calls Bishop of London "A complete and utter cunt" 0
Drylaw 08.05.13 8:55pm
Floodlights dim at Dynamo Kiev as players tire in extra time 0
Terry 08.05.13 8:49pm
Chewing gum complains Fergie just used me, abused me, then spat me out. 0
irreverendJ 08.05.13 8:11pm
Elderly Scot released from captivity

In a scene eerily similar to the recent FBI rescues in Ohio, Greater Manchester Police confirmed that a seventy one year old man was held for "decades" in a house on Moss Side. Restrained with...

Wrenfoe 08.05.13 7:56pm
The All New Jeni B
Sir Alex Ferguson 'not interested in taking over at Man. City' shock 0
custard cream 08.05.13 7:11pm
custard cream
Pressure on Manu Ginobili to replace Ferguson

People without any interest in football are pressing Spurs player Manu Ginobili to replace Alex Ferguson as manager of Manchester United. "The only way I can remember who manages what team is if...

apepper 08.05.13 7:04pm
BBC on screen newsroom “to look more lively”

BBC executives have criticised the panoramic shot of the BBC newsroom that forms a backdrop to Huw Edwards and said staff featured in the background should dress loudly and not keep so still. “It...

nickb 08.05.13 6:38pm
"My Sylvia Browne reading was bang on"

Many are calling her fraudulent and even 'evil', but as the online backlash against self-proclaimed psychic medium Sylvia Browne rages, after missing teen Amanda Berry turned up alive fully nine...

Idiot 08.05.13 6:22pm
Tsetse fly blamed for under-performing GCSEs

Today’s Queen’s Speech signaled a radical overhaul of the GCSE system in light of the recent discovery that the Tsetse fly has been spreading “sleeping sickness” amongst pupils. Boston...

Wrenfoe 08.05.13 5:26pm
Queen appoints Sir Alex Ferguson as Prince Regent 0
custard cream 08.05.13 5:01pm
custard cream
Parts of Surrey gridlocked as fans congregate to discuss Ferguson loss. 3
reforse 08.05.13 4:51pm
Des Custard
Fergie's chewing gum admits retirement leaves a nasty taste in the mouth 0
irreverendJ 08.05.13 3:32pm
Ray Harryhausen to be buried in glorious Technicolour 'stop-motion' funeral 2
AReader 08.05.13 3:24pm
Next United boss was determined by Apprentice-style firings

The successor to Sralex Ferguson as the manager of Manchester United has been chosen via a series of elimination tests, resulting in many managers losing their jobs. Throughout the season, a large...

Midfield Diamond 08.05.13 2:26pm
Midfield Diamond
" Day 3650 in the Big Brother house ....... " 1
rob box 08.05.13 2:18pm
Sir Alex Ferguson to become BBC pundit 0
joefall 08.05.13 2:11pm
Lottery winner with third testicle puts good fortune down to bonus ball. 4
sredni vashta 08.05.13 2:03pm
sredni vashta
Cartoon Dog successfully sues Buxom Female character for detatched retinas


gaijintendo 08.05.13 1:58pm
sredni vashta
Queen's Speech suffers stammer as Government promises to remove foreigners 0
AReader 08.05.13 1:52pm
Bloke gets old woman to do the talking

“Don’t get me wrong he ain’t racist or nuffink, but people who don’t belong here are gonna find it no fun next year what wiv hospitals refusing to give em so much as a painkiller unless they...

nickb 08.05.13 1:41pm
White smoke over Old Trafford to herald new United manager

Moyes soon...

johnnydobbo 08.05.13 12:59pm
Harry Redknapp realises his team was one man short

Sinnick 08.05.13 12:48pm