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Thatcher now “too weak to strike a miner”

Margaret Thatcher now lacks the strength of punch to render any meaningful damage to the face of a miner, according to a recent statement from her daughter Carol. The health of Baroness Thatcher has...

1
grumblechops 26.06.12 10:20pm
FlashArry
Big Ben Tower Renamed as Sir Ticks-A-Lot 0
thisisall1word 26.06.12 10:10pm
thisisall1word
Murray completely forgiven for last 7 years after winning first round

Murray has won over all the critics after beating Davydenko today in straight sets, a sure-fire signal that he is on track to finally get in the finals, or at least lose convincingly in the semis....

0
quango 26.06.12 9:37pm
quango
Elizabeth Tower to be known as Big Ben

rien ne change...

2
beau-jolly 26.06.12 9:13pm
Belgium to replace Scotland in a new leaner united kingdom

Belgium has emerged as the hot favourite to replace Scotland on its departure from the united kingdom. After all night talks, David Cameron and Belgian Prime Minister Elio Di Rupo, emerged this...

3
The Masked Frog 26.06.12 9:09pm
Ian
News International to split into "legal" and "crooked"

News International is to split into two separate companies; the crooked side of the business is to be operated separately as a half-organised crime syndicate. "We've struggled in the past as we have...

0
apepper 26.06.12 8:38pm
apepper
Communications from extra terrestrials “overlooked as Dubstep”

A spokesman for NASA today revealed that a series of interstellar communications from an alien lifeform have been mistakenly interpreted as music, spawning a new sub-genre known as “Dubstep”....

7
grumblechops 26.06.12 7:07pm
Sinnick
Greece reveals financial recovery plan "A Tenner on Murray to win at Wimbledon"

more later...

7
dvo4fun 26.06.12 6:11pm
dvo4fun
Failure to find credible fourth seed prevents Wimbledon from starting at semis

Andy Murray’s Wimbledon seeding of fourth has once again made it impossible for tournament organisers to “cut through all the boring shit” and start at the semi finals. With Novak Djokovic,...

0
grumblechops 26.06.12 5:12pm
grumblechops
Was Shakespeare A Nazi? New Channel 5 Doc "Triumph of the Quill" Says Yea 0
Iggy Pop-Barker 26.06.12 4:33pm
Iggy Pop-Barker
BBC to run repeats of weather forecasts from the long hot summer of '76

to cheer everybody up...

0
Tomfinger 26.06.12 4:30pm
Tomfinger
Hart to return to Krak ‘one’ òw!

Blue Joe to follow Buffon’s Porn Regime Following Sunday’s inevitable penalty shoot out loss to the Azzurri, England’s ‘non-stopper’, Joe Hart, has decided to ditch the high tech approach...

0
Njinski 26.06.12 4:16pm
Njinski
McGuiness not amused as Queen uses '800v' hand buzzer during historic handshake 0
thackaray 26.06.12 4:12pm
thackaray
Royal Handshake Sponsorship Concerns

With thousands of people lining the streets in Belfast waiting to greet the Queen, concerns have been expressed about the over commercialisation of her Diamond Jubilee - presented by De Beers -tour....

1
custard cream 26.06.12 3:51pm
dvo4fun
Blood stocks crisis as transfusion service says “Virgins only”

Blood stocks in the UK are at an all time low as the blood transfusion service made a controversial decision last week to change the sexual history questions on its donor health check. Previously,...

2
Nails UK 26.06.12 3:39pm
Nails UK
LOCOG confirms crackdown on Olympic Brand-Breakers

The London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games (LOCOG) says harsh penalties have been agreed with the Government and the IOC, for anyone in the UK caught watching the Olympics while in...

0
Mrblacker 26.06.12 3:36pm
Mrblacker
Bailiffs Reposess False Limbs at Bankrupt South London NHS Hospital

Bailiffs today were sent into the Queen Elizabeth Hospital by creditors as the near bankrupt trust has run up debts of £69 Million. Amid scenes of chaos, prosthetic limbs were being seized by...

2
Scronnyglonkle 26.06.12 3:06pm
Scronnyglonkle
Lloyd Webber: "New Jesus Show Not A Smokescreen For Free Prime Time Advert!"

In a bitter dispute between ITV and Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber that looks set to escalate over the coming weeks, the popular peer is vehemently denying that he has duped ITV with his new talent show,...

1
Duff 26.06.12 2:56pm
Scronnyglonkle
Hodgson blames 'lack of tatoos' for Euro exit.

As the inquest into England’s European Championship exit continues, manager Roy Hodgson has identified the squad’s general lack of tattoos and stupid hairstyles as one of the key factors behind...

2
TheNewsWalrus 26.06.12 2:49pm
custard cream
Virgin bosses woo female commuters with 'Shades of Grey' masturbation carriages

Women users of Britain’s busy rail network have welcomed the introduction of Christian Grey-themed masturbation carriages. As sales of the seminal ‘mummy porn’ title soared past 15 million...

12
26.06.12 2:38pm
Scroat
Vestigial virgins not all they are cracked up to be 0
arthurminnit 26.06.12 1:54pm
arthurminnit
Vestal virgin remains tight lipped 2
cinquecento 26.06.12 1:44pm
beau-jolly
Emergency picnic hampers ‘really could save lives’ claim French traffic police

The Ministry of Transport in Paris confirmed yesterday that anyone driving in France must carry an ‘emergency hamper’, designed to ‘minimise risk of hunger in event of mechanical failure at...

8
NewSuburbanDad 26.06.12 1:20pm
writinginbsl
Coe criticised for "Olympic Village People" clamp-down

Olympic brand managers were again accused of "overkill" yesterday, following the dawn  arrest of three  men described by police as "a fireman with a massive pole, a javelin-wielding native...

1
NewSuburbanDad 26.06.12 1:01pm
writinginbsl
Slaughter of first-borns to save country £50 bn in Child Benefit, pledge Tories

In a radical overhaul of the welfare system, David Cameron has set out plans for a measured policy of infanticide that could massively reduce the UK deficit, according to experts. The proposed...

10
Gary Stanton 26.06.12 12:57pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Man hit by lightning couldn't resist 1
Sinnick 26.06.12 12:54pm
writinginbsl
Dour Sco...Oh Bollocks! I've Gone And Done It Again haven't I? 0
Duff 26.06.12 12:47pm
Duff
Reading Fifty shades of grey on trains just the gateway to public rabbit use

Sociologists have today announced that reading Fifty Shades of Grey is the gateway for women to progress to hard forms of pornography and even indulging in public self sexual gratification. Thirty...

3
simonjmr 26.06.12 12:23pm
Duff
Queen refuses meeting with Martine McCutcheon 0
custard cream 26.06.12 10:58am
custard cream
Martin McGuinness to use special hook hand to show solidarity with Abu Hamzer 0
custard cream 26.06.12 10:54am
custard cream