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"It takes a thief to catch a thief" boasts Yewtree Officer

(more later)...

Wrenfoe 02.05.13 5:15pm
BBC to give equal opportunities to bullies

The BBC announced today that it is introducing a new policy concerning bullying. 'We have looked carefully at our policy,' said a spokesman, 'and we realised that our current bullying policy...

John Wiltshire 02.05.13 2:33pm
John Wiltshire
Stuart another in the haul, will play ball after all

As a rule the press can have a ball with nothing at all, but on Stuart Hall to add to the haul, another story another fall. With his back against the wall, 'No need to stool,' say's Stuart Hall, 'I...

Vanburger 02.05.13 2:18pm
Amanda Knox wins plaudits in new Star Trek movie

Sci-fi blockbuster Star Trek “Into Darkness” has received beaming reviews from the world press, not least for mysterious villainess played by Amanda Knox. Ms Knox gives a stand-out performance...

Wrenfoe 02.05.13 2:17pm
Signed edition of sex offenders register expected to raise fortune at auction 3
sredni vashta 02.05.13 1:59pm
Cat claims "just cleaning my paw" and not a NAZI salute 0
simonjmr 02.05.13 1:50pm
Stuart Hall to host new series of It's A Nonce Out

Far too many more soon...

The Nage 02.05.13 1:17pm
The Nage
George Osborne replaced by Bert the chimney sweep

In a cabinet shake-up, chancellor George Osborne has been replaced by Bert the chimney sweep from Mary Poppins. In a statement from Number 10, David Cameron said: 'If George Osborne thinks that the...

John Wiltshire 02.05.13 12:59pm
John Wiltshire
'Watch it, poor people', warns financial regulator

The financial regulator has issued a threat to poor people, who are really asking for it, being poor and everything. A spokesperson said: “Most of the poor are living off benefits, which is...

monkeyrepublic 02.05.13 12:43pm
Victims of school bullying urged to fight back with poetry

A leading authority on English literature has suggested a revolutionary approach to battling school bullies - the recitation of poetry. Professor John Barking of Hay-on-Rye University says that the...

sredni vashta 02.05.13 12:04pm
sredni vashta
UKIP launch investigation into 'normal' candidate

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has ordered an urgent investigation into how their candidate for West Wiltshire, Dave Morgan, appears to be perfectly normal. 'He has a lovely wife and two lovely children,...

John Wiltshire 02.05.13 11:43am
John Wiltshire
Amanda Knox to visit Meredith Kercher's grave - buys hob-nailed dancing boots

No more soon - or ever, we hope...

John Wiltshire 02.05.13 11:32am
John Wiltshire
UKIP cuts ties with Pepsi

In move designed to distance themselves from the carbonated soft -drink manufacturer, Nigel Farage (UKIP Leader) was forced to disavow Pepsi’s latest advertising campaign. Pepsi, a long term...

Wrenfoe 02.05.13 11:29am
Corrie stars Michael Le Vel and Peter Adamson to appear as character witnesses. 3
MADJEZ 02.05.13 11:16am
Wealthy pensioners urged to "cut back on portraits"

The Department for Work and Pensions today issued guidelines considered by opponents to be the second wave of an attack on universality of benefits for people of pensionable age. "We think it is...

johnnydobbo 02.05.13 10:57am
The Rovers Returns to it's roots and renamed The Yewtree

Historical acts performed by Historical actors...

Vanburger 02.05.13 10:48am
Greeks to stage “Fifty Shades of Grey” the Musical

In response to tough austerity measures under way in Greece, trade unions have decided to stage a 24 hour musical extravaganza based on E.L James’ erotic trilogy. Cashing in on the economic...

Wrenfoe 02.05.13 10:43am
Hall clarifies: “pernicious, callous, cruel and above all spurious” means true 0
Yikes 02.05.13 10:12am
In Business: Joe Dixon of Spondoolica Group

Joe Dixon is CEO of Spondoolica Group, whose mission statement reveals that they “seek to empower the people of Britain, boost consumer confidence and stimulate the sustained customer-led economic...

Sir Lupus 02.05.13 10:08am
Sir Lupus
UKIP campaign for Primark to build "British sweatshops for British workers" 0
Sir Lupus 02.05.13 9:58am
Sir Lupus
Surviving workers suggest Primark pay compensation upfront as "decent wages" 0
Sir Lupus 02.05.13 9:57am
Sir Lupus
Ronnie O’Sullivan retires, un-retires, retires again during mid-session interval

Enigmatic reigning World Snooker Champion, Ronnie O’Sullivan, today retired, changed his mind and then reverted to his original decision again during the 10-minute break between sessions in his...

Long Distance Clara 02.05.13 9:39am
The next passenger to arrive at platform 3...

The next passenger to arrive at platform 3 is the 02/04/13 passenger Mr Bob Alderdice traveling to Denton. This passenger will call at Teeside Airport, Dorking West and Denton. This passenger will...

irreverendJ 02.05.13 5:59am
Google Street View figure arrested for voyeurism 0
Dick Everyman 02.05.13 5:50am
Dick Everyman
Operation Yewtree jurisdiction 'complicated' by Barlow

Confusion reigns at Police HQ as officers and the accused alike remain unsure whether the Operation Yewtree accusations and charges are to be applied to Ken Barlow or Bill Roach. “We’re not...

Newsquelch 02.05.13 5:47am
Subsidised patches to wean bees off neonicotinoids

Following a Europe-wide ban on neonicotinoids, bees are to be offered patches to help them cope with withdrawal. Representatives of the pharmaceuticals industry have complained that other devices,...

monkeyrepublic 02.05.13 5:39am
David Tennant shock confession: "I am identical triplets"

The ubiquitous actor David Tennant has confessed to being three identical siblings, via a statement from his agent. “I regret misleading the public in this way, and blame my heartfelt ambition to...

nickb 02.05.13 5:29am
Dick Everyman
William Roache: "If she'd accepted she was pure love it wouldn't have happened." 0
Idiot 01.05.13 9:28pm
Evidence that soap star Roache has lived up to his name 0
topfotogmw 01.05.13 8:59pm
'Dutch Roundabouts an Abomination' says Mary Whitehouse.

The news that London will 'road test' Dutch roundabout systems has evoked outrage from Mary Whitehouse, daughter of famous prude, Mary Whitehouse. Interviewed earlier today, the spinster do-gooder...

No Beard 01.05.13 6:33pm