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The word 'fat' is fatist, claims wobblebottom 4
Squudge 20.12.13 8:54am
Australian cricket team arrested under Operation Yewtree 4
jp1885 20.12.13 8:09am
Live at the Apollo 1
medici2471 20.12.13 7:20am
'Truffles were ready' explains Duncan-Smith

Work and Pensions Secretary Ian Duncan Smith has defended his decision to walk out of a Commons debate on Food Banks explaining he had received a text message from the Commons canteen to say his...

Gerontius 20.12.13 1:02am
Di photo cures cancer and raises house prices; Express editor dies of pleasure

More to follow...

apepper 19.12.13 10:30pm
Old Master found in barn

A long lost masterpiece by Murillo has been discovered in a stable in Tring. The painting, entitled "The Selfie Adoration of The Magi" is believed to represent the vanity of man in the presence of a...

pinxit 19.12.13 6:13pm
Kevin the Swan
Mills replaces Long John Silver as world’s scariest Uniped

Despite strong competition from Alastor ‘Mad-Eye’ Moody, Heather ‘show me the money’ Mills has been crowned ‘Most Chilling Pegleg Aficionado - 2013’. When not assaulting High Court...

Wrenfoe 19.12.13 5:07pm
Dog Bites Man on Slow News Day

"I tried to pat my neighbor's dog Peeker's and she bit me," Rich Belmont told a group of reporters camped outside his Centreville residence. When asked why they were covering so tame a story, one...

John L. Monk 19.12.13 3:24pm
Assange broaches topic of 'bringing girls back' with Ecuadorian ambassador 1
D 19.12.13 12:23pm
Christmas on hold after turkey contracts Man Flu

Wirral Borough Council has said an 8 year-old turkey has become unbearable after contracting a strain of man flu not previously found in poultry. The New Ferry Centre for Disease Control and...

Gary Stanton 19.12.13 12:08pm
Local residents raise £156 for charity to keep Round Table Santa away

A group of neighbours on Lichfield’s Boley Park estate have raised £156 and donated it to Lichfield Round Table for charity. John Smith of Pentire Road explained: 'We are delighted with the...

medici2471 19.12.13 10:29am
Ashley Young to give Tom Daley diving lessons

Manchester United soccer ace Ashley Young, often criticised for falling over theatrically in the penalty area when there doesn’t appear to have been any contact with an opponent (called...

farmer giles 19.12.13 9:23am
farmer giles
Kim Jong-Un Announced as new Spurs Manager

There was surprise in north London today when Tottenham Hotspur Chairman Daniel Levy unveiled North Korea's Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un as the Club's new manager. "This appointment of a supreme...

james_doc 19.12.13 9:22am
farmer giles
Word ‘fat’ should be banned, says porker... 0
Tripod 19.12.13 9:07am
Nigella comes clean about the white powder: "Yes, I've used MSG" 1
Sir Lupus 19.12.13 1:38am
sredni vashta
Cinema fan 'back where he started' after seeing Frozen and Thor.

Sorry. Had to be done...

deskpilot3 19.12.13 1:37am
sredni vashta
Queen to face plastic surgery

The Queen is set to have plastic surgery to her forehead, neck and arms with some remedial work done around the mouth and eyes say the Bank of England., The surgery will be done to coincide with new...

Gerontius 18.12.13 11:48pm
Local Yob sentenced to two weeks of flash mobs

Tearaway Richie Kinders faces two weeks of organising, taking part and watching flash mobs after being convicted of anti-social behaviour. The 16 year old had been caught shoplifting, drinking and...

andrewl81 18.12.13 9:43pm
Murdochs 'Hopeful' on Queen's new year's honours list inclusion 0
antharrison 18.12.13 9:41pm
'I wish it wasn't Christmas every day,' admits Wizzard

Roy Wood, lead singer of the 1970s glam rock band Wizzard, has apologised for his role in ensuring that is now Christmas every day. Forty years since Wizzard hit Number Two in the charts with 'I Wish...

Oxbridge 18.12.13 8:55pm
Lindy Moone
Police seek showbiz assassin as Mandela & Biggs both die on day biopic came out.

Re-written headline, with a hat tip to a couple of others who thought along similar lines...

MADJEZ 18.12.13 8:39pm
Police seek killer publicist as Mandela & Biggs both on die day films came out.

More great publicity soon...

MADJEZ 18.12.13 8:32pm
Great Train Robber "may have faked death" to publicise new BBC DramaDoc

Breaking news: Police are investigating claims that Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs may in fact still be alive and kicking and flicking his customary V sign after reports circulated of his death less...

clarksn 18.12.13 7:43pm
BBC cancel drama airing out of respect for Ronnie Biggs life. 0
Ref Minor 18.12.13 7:24pm
Ref Minor
Cameron furious over prisoners voting for Sam Bailey in X Factor final

David Cameron vows to "clip Sam Bailey's wings" after discovering that her victory in Saturday's X Factor final relied on the votes of inmates at Gartree Prison, Leicester. Bailey stands by the...

D 18.12.13 6:25pm
About That Ronnie Biggs Knighthood

Rumours of a Ronnie Biggs Knighthood are gathering pace tonight following the death of the 84-year-old Great Train Robber, this morning. The infamous celebrity criminal, who absconded a 30 year...

Max Farquar 18.12.13 6:23pm
Max Farquar
Operation Yewtree arrests hundreds of men not bothered to shave after Movember 1
D 18.12.13 5:53pm
Spurs fans begin moaning about having one less thing to moan about

Masochistic Tottenham Hotspur fans, who derived their customary perverted pleasure at receiving a damn good thrashing, are reeling at the news that manager Andre Villas-Boas has been sacked. ...

Midfield Diamond 18.12.13 5:26pm
Midfield Diamond
X Factor winner set to take centre stage

Just hours after being crowned champion of X Factor 2013 winner Sam Bailey has landed her first starring role says her agent., Sam beat of contenders from Emmerdale and Real Housewives to land the...

Gerontius 18.12.13 5:23pm
Shelf stacking at highest level ever

Shelf stacking, using a supermarket pricing gun and mopping up baby wee are at their highest levels since records began say the Office For National Statistics., The number of people forced into mind...

Gerontius 18.12.13 3:55pm