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Catholic Church withdraws early from discussion on contraception

The forum held in the Dutch Cap-ital was designed for religious and political leaders to discuss a way forward in the testy subject of contraception. It was however not met with much enthusiasm from...

Flugelbinder 30.09.13 11:26am
Boating Pond Terror as Pedalo catches fire

Day trippers at a boating pond in Surrey were left largely unmoved yesterday afternoon after a pedalo started billowing smoke., John Tomber and his girlfriend were in the middle of the pond when the...

Flugelbinder 30.09.13 11:24am
Moyes: I will turn Man Utd into Everton

Manchester United manager David Moyes says he will not rest until Manchester United regularly end the football season at between positions 8-15 for 10 years running. “As throughout my career, my...

farmer giles 30.09.13 11:16am
Midfield Diamond
World peace beckons as Obama/Rouhani "trade knock knock jokes" on phone

The men in whose hands the world’s fate depends complained about their respective mothers’cooking, exchanged knock-knock jokes and planned a prank call to President Assad, claiming the Syrian...

nickb 30.09.13 10:59am
John Wiltshire
X Factor final rounds to be replaced with dole queue

ITV has announced that the final rounds of the X-Factor talent show will be replaced with a dole queue which commentators expect to wrap 'around the block'. 'These are people who have slagged their...

jimiedge 30.09.13 10:56am
Thames Tour Boat Blaze Horror

Moored soon...

Flugelbinder 30.09.13 10:35am
University of Life accused of bias in admissions policy

The University of Life has been given an official warning that it must show a more diverse student intake or face penalties, after research showed that 90 per cent of its alumni are loudmouthed white...

sydalg 30.09.13 9:45am
Three "blind" mice, see how they run from benefits fraud investigator 0
sydalg 30.09.13 9:33am
Jacques Cousteau to deliver Reef lectures

Posthumously, obviously...

apepper 30.09.13 8:17am
Horror for P.E. teachers as they discover there is a 'me' in team 1
TobiasBV 30.09.13 8:05am
Lens Cap
New horror flick based on true events from a Yelp review 0
Dumbnews 30.09.13 3:56am
Dalai Lama confirms The Transporter is his favourite movie franchise 0
custard cream 29.09.13 9:21pm
custard cream
Ed Miliband promises to renationalise the coal industry.

In return for a large donation from the NUM...

deskpilot3 29.09.13 9:06pm
Outrage as handsome successful man turns out to be nice

High drama today as a local man, who lives in the biggest house, has the most attractive wife, drives an enviable motor and earns six figures has been found to be quite a nice bloke. His neighbours...

TobiasBV 29.09.13 8:28pm
'Too much admin' in modern relationships, expert claims

We've all heard that romance is dead, but apparently a sociology professor in durham has worked out why. Meredith Grmies claims that young people in the look of love are too beset with...

TobiasBV 29.09.13 7:53pm
'Psychoanalysis addict becomes 'most self-aware man in world' - and miserable'

It began with a single visit to the local shrink, but soon Burton Goldberg's psychoanalysis habit was out of control. He had at least one appointment a day, often more, and many of the different...

TobiasBV 29.09.13 7:14pm
Two-day-old mayfly shares the secret of his longevity... 0
Tripod 29.09.13 5:58pm
Hermit convention proves major flop

The first in a proposed bi-annual gathering of the UK's hermits has proved to be a major let down to the organizers, who remain nameless and have refused to comment, as not one of the thousands who...

TobiasBV 29.09.13 5:53pm
Piers Morgan In Hot Water Over Offensive 'Sun' Blog

Popular chat show host Piers Morgan has found himself in hot water over a spoof blog he created, entitled "Alternative Uses For The Sun Newspaper". The blog features juvenile posts from...

Giroscope 29.09.13 4:06pm
Tom Jones impersonator arrested. Police say "It's not unusual".

Charged with possession of green green grass of home...

Maverick 29.09.13 3:54pm
Exasperated reader of satiric 'news' websites no longer able to tell what's real

After spending time reading faux or satirical news articles online, Joseph Capgras, an exasperated man from Ipswich, has recently confessed he has lost the ability to tell what is real and what is...

TobiasBV 29.09.13 3:36pm
Nopower, the new fastest growing political party, buys votes for £120 each

Ed Moribund, made no secret of his delight in the national press and TV coverage that his inaugural speech achieved. He promised voters £120 each if they vote for him and his party is elected....

2escapees 29.09.13 2:01pm
Part-time traffic signals have benefits slashed

The Secretary of State for Works and Pension, Ian Duncan-Smith, has announced that part-time traffic signals are to have their benefits cut. "This is a sensible move to encourage traffic lights to...

apepper 29.09.13 1:43pm
‘You CAN have it all,’ says plucky ‘White Widow’ Samantha

Samantha Lewthwaite, 29, is being hailed as the ultimate positive role model to British women of today. Despite suffering tragedy in her life, she has risen to be a senior figure in terror...

Oxbridge 29.09.13 1:16pm
Dennis Thatcher's fag ash to be buried in landfill 0
CulchaVulcha 29.09.13 12:43pm
Armchair General doesn't mind where he sits. 1
Al OPecia 29.09.13 12:41pm
Armchair detective finds armchair

See also armchair critic picks holes in armchair...

nickb 29.09.13 11:44am
Al OPecia
NSA Phone Monitoring Identifies Suspect Calls From White House

Yesterday President Obama heralded a breakthrough from the illegal NSA phone monitoring after it identified a White House employee had been making highly suspect calls to leaders of foreign hostile...

Deimos 29.09.13 10:53am
Angela Knight to be Satanic spokesperson 0
roybland 29.09.13 10:49am
Angela Knight to be Satanic spokesperson

The woman who is currently Chief Executive of the energy industry's trade association is soon to become spokesperson for Satan. Angela Knight, who before she joined Energy UK was Chief Executive for...

roybland 29.09.13 10:48am