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US citizens fearful that government shutdown will be averted. 0
Sir Lupus 30.09.13 10:17pm
Sir Lupus
God admits prayers may be recorded for training purposes

Deity, Almighty God, has confirmed suspicions that all prayers are being recorded for "training purposes". Mr God explained, "We have had staff issues which we're trying to resolve and I'm hoping to...

apepper 30.09.13 9:43pm
Cecil Parkinson musical opens to acclaim.

It's one of the most famous poses in portrait photography.  The sitter, naked astride a back to front chair engages the camera with an enigmatic eye.  The chair, of course, hides the genitals of...

nickb 30.09.13 9:29pm
Dr Who to "have a quiet word" with Philip Hammond over creation of Cyber Men. 1
Al OPecia 30.09.13 9:22pm
custard cream
Chatty sex worker holds a phone in

Better than ping pong balls...

Lens Cap 30.09.13 8:34pm
Government declares badger cull a success, extends scheme to include the poor 0
nyarlathotep 30.09.13 6:21pm
Mars probe concludes planet "could support call centre" 2
sydalg 30.09.13 6:21pm
Labour Applauds Tory Plans For Budget Surplus - 'Wahey - More For Us To Spend! 0
Titus 30.09.13 6:13pm
Bridget Jones spoiler's as crap as the other two 1
irreverendJ 30.09.13 6:11pm
[ ____________________ ]Football Club in crisis.

Fans of [ ____________________ ] are beginning to worry following a string of poor results in the league. Though the club’s supporters, affectionately known as [ ____________________ ], have...

Hooch 30.09.13 5:32pm
Al OPecia
Radio 4 Sex/Box show: Have sex with Mariella "or punch her hard"

Mariella Frostrup will invite contestants from the public to a new BBC Radio 4 panel show to make a difficult choice.  They have either to make love to her or join her in the boxing ring for two one...

CulchaVulcha 30.09.13 4:43pm
Steve McClaren To Hire Derby Translator

In an effort to make sure he fits in with the locals at Derby County, he has within the space of 5 minutes acquired the local accent, having lost all trace of that now infamous Dutch one he picked up...

Flugelbinder 30.09.13 3:58pm
As Derby County unveil Steve McClaren as manager....

supporters demand the right to wear niquab to hide their shame...

irreverendJ 30.09.13 3:34pm
UKIP not in favour of the bedroom tax 0
custard cream 30.09.13 3:02pm
custard cream
Party leaders outdo each other in ill-treatment of the unemployed

The leaders of the Conservative, Labour and the Other One parties were locked in a battle to see who could appeal to voters the most by thinking of the most horrendous way to treat the unemployed....

John Wiltshire 30.09.13 2:26pm
Anger As Famous Nanny Changes Mind On Circus Rap Performances

Poppin’s flip-flop on big-top hip-top not spit-spot or tip-top. [i]Sorry, had to get it out, it was stuck in my head all day.[/i]...

SimonJJames 30.09.13 1:57pm
Sunderland invite di Canio back after Peter Reid declares himself available 2
Midfield Diamond 30.09.13 1:33pm
Lens Cap
Chase & Dave refuse to appear at Gertcha retrial. 0
MADJEZ 30.09.13 1:25pm
Airline First class to charge extra fee for First class service 0
Dumbnews 30.09.13 1:01pm
UN observes 2 min silence following death of Mark Darcy 0
irreverendJ 30.09.13 12:49pm
Simon Cowell to be declared Saint Says Pope Francis

In a surprise move, the Vatican has announced that Pope Francis will canonise music mogul Simon Cowell. A spokesman explained the move saying "Mr Cowell has met certain criteria required to be...

Flugelbinder 30.09.13 12:22pm
Justin Welby outed as a 'closet Christian'

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, was today sensationally outed as a 'Christian' by pressure group JerichoWalls, which aims to 'out' closet Christians in the church. The founder of...

John Wiltshire 30.09.13 11:30am
Catholic Church withdraws early from discussion on contraception

The forum held in the Dutch Cap-ital was designed for religious and political leaders to discuss a way forward in the testy subject of contraception. It was however not met with much enthusiasm from...

Flugelbinder 30.09.13 11:26am
Boating Pond Terror as Pedalo catches fire

Day trippers at a boating pond in Surrey were left largely unmoved yesterday afternoon after a pedalo started billowing smoke., John Tomber and his girlfriend were in the middle of the pond when the...

Flugelbinder 30.09.13 11:24am
Moyes: I will turn Man Utd into Everton

Manchester United manager David Moyes says he will not rest until Manchester United regularly end the football season at between positions 8-15 for 10 years running. “As throughout my career, my...

farmer giles 30.09.13 11:16am
Midfield Diamond
World peace beckons as Obama/Rouhani "trade knock knock jokes" on phone

The men in whose hands the world’s fate depends complained about their respective mothers’cooking, exchanged knock-knock jokes and planned a prank call to President Assad, claiming the Syrian...

nickb 30.09.13 10:59am
John Wiltshire
X Factor final rounds to be replaced with dole queue

ITV has announced that the final rounds of the X-Factor talent show will be replaced with a dole queue which commentators expect to wrap 'around the block'. 'These are people who have slagged their...

jimiedge 30.09.13 10:56am
Thames Tour Boat Blaze Horror

Moored soon...

Flugelbinder 30.09.13 10:35am
University of Life accused of bias in admissions policy

The University of Life has been given an official warning that it must show a more diverse student intake or face penalties, after research showed that 90 per cent of its alumni are loudmouthed white...

sydalg 30.09.13 9:45am
Three "blind" mice, see how they run from benefits fraud investigator 0
sydalg 30.09.13 9:33am