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Topless men banned from supermarket, you'll never se a nipple in a Tesco Express

Every nipple helps!...

Ian Searle 19.07.13 5:24pm
Kate Endorses Old Tory Election Slogan 'Labour Isn't Working'

Wonder what jokes we'll post when the baby eventually arrives...

Titus 19.07.13 4:55pm
Police Fraud Squad Question Kate & Wills In Spot-Fixing Investigation

Suspicion of massive bribes being offered by shadowy asian bookmaking syndicates, relating to bets on dates of royal births, have led to the parents being questioned by police...

Titus 19.07.13 4:55pm
Detroit bankrupt betting on Royal Birth

The once great industrial city has been saddled with debts of at least $15bn after a series of audacious bets related to the Royal delivery. The Office of the Mayor of Detroit was forced to release a...

Wrenfoe 19.07.13 4:52pm
Children's author creates Fifty Shapes with Clay after online course 3
Dick Everyman 19.07.13 4:42pm
Dick Everyman
EU bailout for detroit imminent

Talks are well under way for a €15bn bail out for the struggling city in Michigan. Decades of low growth and poor exports are expected to be turned around by a new austerity policy promoted by...

tomholder 19.07.13 4:00pm
Investigation finds Asiana pilots training lacked YouTube tutorials 0
Dumbnews 19.07.13 3:32pm
Search continued for person who lobbied David Cameron

Speculation is growing as to the identity of the person who lobbied David Cameron in the study with the sharpened pencil. Leaks from No 10 confirm that someone has been inappropriately influencing...

tomholder 19.07.13 2:47pm
Chefs Rating Agency upgrade Britain from "medium" to "well done"

Things are looking for up in Britain as the country is upgraded from "medium" to "well done" after a recent run in the microwave. While some of the public have expressed doubt about the current...

tomholder 19.07.13 2:34pm
Apple overlook teen who can strum and whistle at the same time.

A clean cut teenage kid who looks good in denim and a crewneck T is taking Apple to court for discrimination having failed to be offered a part in any of their commercials. David Turner, whose real...

Boutros 19.07.13 2:34pm
More outbreaks of IT start ups in Silicon Manor, Sink Estate & Silicon Shithole

Three more regions of Britain have been awarded Silicon status, with Bethnal Green, Peckham and Crawley earning the right to the hi tec prefix after each one became home to more than one IT start up....

ronseal 19.07.13 2:00pm
"Lynx Effect" actually just mild weather

Bosses at male grooming company Lynx were left red-faced and sweaty after having to admit the fabled “Lynx Effect”, that prevented perspiration for up to 24 hours, was actually just the UK’s...

sdritchie 19.07.13 1:53pm
Rooney: Chelsea move back on as Colleen agrees personal terms with John Terry. 3
Ref Minor 19.07.13 1:50pm
"I'm worse off than you" confirms someone in the world 0
Dick Everyman 19.07.13 1:47pm
Dick Everyman
Fracking Not Only Provides Energy - It May Also Destroy Blackpool. Result! 1
Titus 19.07.13 1:41pm
Met Office declare state of emergency as man's Summer Fruit Calippo melts

The Met Office raised its alert level from 'tan time' to 'get the fuck indoors' today after Brighton beach-goer Alan Blanch was left 'cheated' and 'in need of a sturdy napkin' after his £2.80 Summer...

Jesus H 19.07.13 1:20pm
Jesus H
Olympics ‘a great success’

In a new survey, respondents were asked if the 2012 London Olympics had prompted them to take up a sport. 100% said ‘no’. Asked what the Olympics has prompted them to do, 100% said ‘watch tv,...

farmer giles 19.07.13 1:10pm
farmer giles
Uproar in academia as Oxford dons call Cambridge colleagues a "bunch of clowns" 0
sydalg 19.07.13 12:57pm
Shoes fly at Baghdad launch of Sunni Delight 2
cinquecento 19.07.13 12:48pm
Ref Minor
Things that make you go 'ooooooooo' - the Newsbiscuit guide to staying cool

As Britain continues to swelter under the sun, and with the Met Office raising the heatwave warning to level 3, we take you through some top tips to stay cool in this hot hot hot weather: 1) Offer...

Mandy Lifeboat 19.07.13 12:31pm
Shock as Prince Charles admits he's not on speaking terms with half his plants 4
sydalg 19.07.13 12:18pm
The MET Office Announce When Records Actually Began.

The MET office has finally released details as to when records actually began. “It’s all bollocks really” said the MET Office’s Chief of Staff, “we stopped keeping records years ago.” ...

AFrancisBrown 19.07.13 12:06pm
A new report claims the wages of sin have been frozen for the fifth year running 3
Ian Searle 19.07.13 12:03pm
Thunderstorm Experts Gather for Clear the Air Talks 0
Erwin Spatula-Ng 19.07.13 11:16am
Erwin Spatula-Ng
Palace Panic & Attempted Cover-Up After Swan Eats Royal Baby

"Get over it" says swan "We ain't no vegans [burp]." Royal grandfather says "One is frightfully concerned. This is a large meal for a swan and one hopes this beautiful, graceful creature comes to...

Titus 19.07.13 11:01am
Call to ban stepladders in crackdown on "legal highs" 2
bonjonelson 19.07.13 11:00am
Palace admits Assange has been hiding out in Kate's womb 0
Squudge 19.07.13 10:49am
Olympics Committee says it will "Find a place for drugs in sport".

The International Olympic Committee has announced that it will allow drugs in many of its events in light of the recent scandals. Sprinters Tyson Gay and Asafa Powell, who were recently tested...

AFrancisBrown 19.07.13 10:49am
Onion ahead of the game as usual...,1931/...

bonjonelson 19.07.13 10:38am
Adebolajo sends off early Santa request for two front teeth 0
A.A.Arkwright 19.07.13 10:08am