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Mr Kipling exposed as massive dough mixing machine

Cake lovers across the UK were this morning in a state of shock on discovering that 'Mr Kipling' is not the kind elderly baker they pictured, but an industrial size dough mixing machine with a...

roybland 13.09.13 2:32pm
Ofsted Methods Not Accurate Says OfstOfst

The Office for Standards In the Office for Standards has today suggested that the Office For Standards in Education's methods of evaluation are not accurate. "We should know" said Prof Peter...

Flugelbinder 13.09.13 2:26pm
Morrissey Pulls Autobiography For Being Too Upbeat

Morose soon...

Flugelbinder 13.09.13 2:20pm
Midfield Diamond
Bookmakers Slash Odds On Sleeping Man Waking Up 0
Flugelbinder 13.09.13 2:04pm
Syria Disappointed With Iraq's Returns Policy

Syria have complained to the UN about Iraq's policy on returning unwanted goods. It seems some time ago they acquired a variety of weapons from their good neighbour Iraq during an 'everything must...

Flugelbinder 13.09.13 2:04pm
William's taking gap year as "practise for his career of doing bugger all"

More to follow...

apepper 13.09.13 1:12pm
Insurance companies to insist on risk assessment before each car journey

From the beginning of October, insurance companies will insist on all car drivers submitting a risk report of their journey before they set off. A spokeswoman for the body which represents car...

John Wiltshire 13.09.13 12:59pm
John Wiltshire
Infentor of Bolby noif rebuction dief aged eighty yearf olb 0
Skylarking 13.09.13 12:52pm
God signs for Huddersfield Town

Struggling Championship side Huddersfield Town’s manager, Mark Robins, expressed his delight today at the form of their new signing God. “He gets Himself into the most brilliant positions”...

blacklesbianandproudofit 13.09.13 12:50pm
Last Remaining Beast Wary Of Evil Shenanigans

"665 of us have perished already" revealed the beast from his comfortable bedsit in Canterbury., "And we were supposed to be immortal.. Go Figure!" he mused, clearly tired of defending himself...

Flugelbinder 13.09.13 11:42am
Prince George facing 'bleak future' as both parents now declared unemployed

The future is looking 'decidedly grim' for Prince George this week after his father announced his decision to leave his secure job, forcing the second in-line to the throne to be raised in a no...

Jesus H 13.09.13 10:32am
Jesus H
John and George tell Paul and Ringo to "hurry up" for posthumous reunion 0
sydalg 13.09.13 10:10am
Gareth Bale ‘too valuable’ to be risked in matches...

Carlo Ancelotti, manager of Real Madrid, has admitted that Gareth Bale, the most expensive footballer in the world, is now too valuable to play in matches. “The player is fully ensured - third...

Tripod 13.09.13 10:10am
MP's accused of playing the Family Fortune game

A major new MP’s expense scandal erupted in the press to over politicians employing family member in key support roles whilst paying then salaries only Championship footballers would dream of. The...

Scronnyglonkle 13.09.13 10:04am
Sun renames Royal Family Saxe-Coburg-Gotcha 0
sydalg 13.09.13 10:00am
Crematorium flashmob fails to become viral internet meme.

(VERY VERY SLIGHT RE-VERSION), Village vicar The Revd Pete Fraser is said to be devastated that his latest ‘viral’ video has failed to set the world of social media alight. The four minute clip...

Skylarking 13.09.13 9:45am
Fishmongers hail leader's "I have a Bream" speech 9
nickb 13.09.13 9:44am
Architects and Artisans wanted

Bored with your five bed detached Victorian mansion? The chic boutiques of the royal spa town no longer hold the appeal that first drew you to its quiet, leafy avenues? A bit of a show-off? What do...

Robopop 13.09.13 9:13am
Twitter to limit shares to 140 per buyer

More or less soon...

Coco 13.09.13 9:08am
Free in today's issue - your handy do-it-yourself facebook news feed

Save hours of time and tedium by creating your own facebook news feed. Just follow this simple step-by-step guide: Insert motivational tripe <here>, Insert picture of someone else's kids...

Sfox 13.09.13 8:18am
Voyager goes beyond the edge of the solar system, edge of Cameron's ego in view 0
gregle 13.09.13 8:04am
Prince William to become pointless 1
nickb 13.09.13 7:56am
Last Post for Royal Male as Prince William leaves RAF

Despite delivering a first class service for many years, the Royal Male known as Prince William is to be sold off by the Government. The RAF Search and Rescue pilot has completed his last posting on...

Midfield Diamond 13.09.13 7:53am
Aliens decare war on "weird naked people from the planet seventies" 0
phil_smith 13.09.13 6:24am
Psychics strike against 2016 pay freeze 3
sydalg 13.09.13 6:19am
TWITTER to become QUACK after floatation 0
Ian Searle 13.09.13 5:41am
Ian Searle
DIY proctologist admits being up his own arse. 0
Ian Searle 13.09.13 5:25am
Ian Searle
History Channel accused of always repeating itself. 0
Ian Searle 13.09.13 5:24am
Ian Searle
Man covered in tattoos needs more to express his stupidity 1
Dumbnews 12.09.13 10:37pm
Obama counts to four: declares thumb war

In an unprecedented act of unilateralism, president Barack Obama last night declared a thumb war. In an historic speech outside the white house the President stood fast behind the podium and began to...

doublepaulrice 12.09.13 9:52pm