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Student Protesters Threatened with Soap & Water Canons 1
Aberdeen Correspondent 3 years

Soap & Water canons could be used in the event of extreme disorder at "life is unfair" protests in London today, an ex-News of the World hack and now Scotland Yard Spokesperson has revealed while...

Daily Mail Litmus test launched as Tory Party recruitment tool 1
simonjmr 3 years

The Tory party today launched the Daily Mail litmus test for checking the suitability of prospective members of the Conservative Party. Eric Pickles has outlined the simplicity of the test "We give...

English Cricket Board surprised at request to intervene in Italian debt crisis 0
medici2471 3 years
Did Herman Hide the Sausage? 1
bobo lutz 3 years

Did Herman Hide the Sausage? FBI sources have confirmed that Republican Candidate Herman Cain is being questioned about the 2005 disappearance of the Sausage, the tube-shaped diety that won the...

Border Agency Blunder could have let in Any Number of Cat-Owners Warns May 0
Aberdeen Correspondent 3 years

Home Secretary, Theresa May, has admitted that she has no idea how many foreign cat owners may have been allowed into the country as a result of the unauthorised relaxation of border controls at UK...

Jimmy Savile fixes it for Jesus to kick Roman centurion up the arse 0
Darkbill 2.0 3 years

Leeds Diocese revealed today that Sir Jimmy Savile has fixed it for Jesus to deliver a good hard boot up the backside to a Roman legionnaire. The centurion in question, Lucius Pollo Castus, is...

Pilgrims flock to shrine of the Holy Savile 1
vertical 3 years

Thousands of afflicted people have descended on the Savile shrine in a Leeds grotto after rumours began circulating that the ex DJ's shell suit has 'miraculous' healing powers. There are now calls...

Liam Fox revealed as the new Dr Who ? 0
Bryan with a Y 3 years

One month on, and being resigned to the fact that Dr Hillary will go 'on and on and on' as the resident Doctor on GMTV/Daybreak, Liam has taken up the offer of 'the new Dr Who', revealed Clax Mifford...

Destitute movie monsters The Skeleton and The Mummy forced into rag and boning 0
Spoinge 3 years
Greeks weigh up bailout offers on 9
Al OPecia 3 years
Art Lovers clash with protesting students 0
simonjmr 3 years

Crowds of art lovers expected at the National Gallery to view its "blockbuster" Leonardo da Vinci show clashed angrily with Student Fees protestors. Tensions rose whne the student demonstration...

Biggins and Grant keep the 'camp' fires burning. 0
Bryan with a Y 3 years

Professional campologist Chris Biggin threw down the hanky to Russell Grant today, in preparation for the release of pantomine tickets; as he vies for the position as the UK's No1 Dame. Upset by...

Aircraft Carrier-sized asteroid blamed for Russian Mars probe failure 0
Patrick Tobin 3 years

Vladimir Popovkin, the head of the Russian space agency (Roscosmos), today firmly laid the blame for the failure of the Phobos-Grunt probe at the door of Asteroid 2055 YU55. Popovkin explained that...

Silvio's mother says, Silvio's busy, too busy to come to the phone...... 5
charlies_hat 3 years

you'll be singing it all day now...

Alzheimer's Society donations soar following Kenny Dalglish post-match interview 0
Bryan with a Y 3 years
Cowell : Frankie wouldn't blow my 'opportunity' so he had to go. 0
MADJEZ 3 years
Italian economist says debt crisis is default of the government 0
charlies_hat 3 years
Royal Navy 'flared trousers' to be phased out. 0
Bryan with a Y 3 years

The MOD today called upon Royal Navy Chiefs to cut their cloth accordingly and reduce the width of flared trousers issued to new recruits. Although the new width would need to be ratified in...

British teenagers to have 2 minutes silence to remember the fallen in COD 1 & 2 0
charlies_hat 3 years
Cocozza wanted to be a popstar "from head to toes - starting with his nose". 0
Al OPecia 3 years
FIFA bans Al Quaeda vests for Iraqi team 3
vertical 3 years
transaction void 0
virtuallywill 3 years
Poppies resign: sue for constructive dismissal 0
Cameldancer 3 years

The bitter row over the right of the England team to wear poppies on their shirts today took a bizarre twist when a group of 18 poppies resigned. The 18, believed to be the group nominated to be...

Murdoch’s beatification delayed as butter melting in mouth results questioned 1
Des Custard 3 years

Saint-in-waiting James Murdoch, son of Rupert the Blameless, has had his application for beatification delayed while crucial test results are re-analysed by a committee of malleable priests, or MPs....

Sir Bruce confirmed as the face of 'Dignitas UK' franchise launch. 3
Bryan with a Y 3 years

The news that Sir Bruce is to be involved in the franchise launch has become a matter of grave concern to BBC Licence payers. A Corporation spokesman explained that it would in no way impact on the...

Crisis averted as England shirt sponsors Umbro change logo to a poppy 0
pinxit 3 years
Frankie confesses, "I thought it was Keith Richards week". 0
Smart Alex 3 years

More lines soon...

No evidence of civilised life amongst aliens claims White House 2
Midfield Diamond 3 years

The US government has formally denied that it has any acknowledgement of civilisation beyond its borders. The announcement came in response to the We The People website, which initially promised to...

Theresa May blames "Blame Culture" for Border agency failures 0
simonjmr 3 years
Adele's throat surgery will improve her elocution, claims consultant 0
simonjmr 3 years

Adele has had throat surgery to stop an ongoing condition that caused her to cancel tour dates for the rest of the year. "Her enunciation will improve a thousand fold, and hopefully she will no...