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Couple warm-up for heated row over central heating switch-on

Joyce and Harry Matthews are limbering up for their annual row over when to switch on the central heating. 'It's the same every bloody year,’ said Mr Matthews (56). 'As soon as I see her peering...

roybland 17.09.13 12:44pm
Probably too tasteless - deleted

I was concerned when I posted this that it was rather insensitve to make a joke at the expense of someone who has just been diagnosed with a very nasty disease and have decided for the sake of common...

Smart Alex 17.09.13 11:55am
American to become a people-free gun reserve

Faced with the National Rifle Association’s (NRA) compelling argument that “guns don’t kill people, people do”, President Obama has decided to ban people from the United States. “It has...

Yikes 17.09.13 11:52am
Serious Case Review Reveals Serious Case Reviews Don't Work

More reviews to follow nonetheless...

Flugelbinder 17.09.13 11:31am
John Wiltshire
Catholic School Priest Praises Head

Choir demands no more ever, let alone soon...

Flugelbinder 17.09.13 11:31am
Acupuncture Let Me Down Claims Rheumatic Balloon

"And don't ask what homeopathy did to me!"...

Flugelbinder 17.09.13 11:27am
Explorer voted best listener, as he's all Mears. 0
John Wiltshire 17.09.13 11:22am
John Wiltshire
Ethanol-fuelled car was "twelve times over legal alcohol limit", say police 1
sydalg 17.09.13 11:03am
Smart Alex
Fussy cereal eater enjoys cold snap, but prefers warm crackle and pop. 4
Smart Alex 17.09.13 10:56am
Man without facebook account declared stateless 2
Sfox 17.09.13 10:51am
Man Arrested Wearing Ski Mask In Jewellers Says "It's My Religion Innit"

"My religion also forbids me to give my name, address, fngerprints or DNA sample, or to wear handcuffs. So watch it, or I'll have you buggers in court...

Titus 17.09.13 10:13am
Al OPecia
Breaking News: Dolphins can communicate with aliens from outer space.

Queen informed. “Who gives a fucking shit” said the Duke of Edinburgh. “We got enough fucking aliens” After it was pointed out to the Duke Britain would be better off with highly-skilled...

farmer giles 17.09.13 10:10am
farmer giles
Fifa Chief on fasting diet now known as Sepp Flatter 0
custard cream 17.09.13 10:09am
custard cream
Rene Descartes Had No Facebook Account 'Therefore Did Not Exist' After All

So no more from him then...

Titus 17.09.13 9:52am
Chigwell primary school teacher accused of pushing young children too hard 0
Backup Brian 17.09.13 9:50am
Backup Brian
Savage Tree Attack - Wood Yew Beleaf It!

2 Women in Norfolk were left stunned when a tree fell on the car in which they were travelling on Saturday morning, on route to a costume and textile fair. "The car is a write off!" Reported the...

Flugelbinder 17.09.13 9:39am
Prince Harry to be sent to the South Pole in the hope it's too cold to strip off 0
Ian Searle 17.09.13 9:33am
Ian Searle
Liberal Democrats attempt largest salvage operation in history

A major salvage operation is underway in Glasgow, where a team of engineers are said to be 'extremely pessimistic' about their chances of successfully resurrecting a sunken political party, the...

The Paper Ostrich 17.09.13 9:30am
Grand Auto Theft very popular in Liverpool 0
John Wiltshire 17.09.13 9:04am
John Wiltshire
Labour calls for debate on posh men wearing bow ties

The shadow Home Secretary has created a storm by calling for a public debate on men wearing bow ties., Yvette Cooper said “This item of attire betrays a sense of superiority and wealth by the...

Sfox 17.09.13 8:51am
School birth the solution to waiting lists

For those parents concerned about catchment areas, wraparound care and the cost of uniforms, Manford Primary School may have the answer. By encouraging staff to give birth in the classroom, Education...

Wrenfoe 17.09.13 8:36am
MP vows: "I'll tell women what to wear so their husbands don't have to"

oh sorry, that's actually just happened, hasn't it?...

Sfox 17.09.13 8:33am
Costa Concordia to relaunch immediately and offer two classes of travel 0
suki 17.09.13 8:32am
Man declared dead following no activity on social networks in 10 minutes

Hat tip to SFox...

Dumbnews 17.09.13 8:30am
Snooker game 'fixed to make it interesting'

Two snooker players were today banned from the game for life after evidence emerged that they had conspired to make their match interesting. The head of The World Snoozer Federation, Barry Lynton,...

John Wiltshire 17.09.13 8:23am
John Wiltshire
Beckhams showcase new tattoos at film premiere

Both have ‘I am a part’ tastefully tattooed onto own foreheads. Part of sponsorship deal with Prat Foods Inc...

farmer giles 17.09.13 8:18am
farmer giles
Lifestyle Choice: Wannabee seeks attention

“I feel like a new woman since having my foot transplanted onto my head” says former top topless model Fanny Galore. She’s also had breast implants on her clitoris for charity. “Children are...

farmer giles 17.09.13 8:17am
farmer giles
Herbalist convicted of giving short measures is forced to serve more thyme 0
Ian Searle 17.09.13 8:04am
Ian Searle
Iran threatens planet with terrifying cat-killing device 0
phil_smith 17.09.13 6:27am
United Wood Report: "Something definitely shits but can't say its the bears"

No more soon...

Not Amused 17.09.13 6:23am
Not Amused