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Apple to sue Kate Moss 0
Screenie 3 years

'She's thin, white and pleasing on the eye. I'm damn sure we did that first,' explained a spokesman...

R Kelly finally concedes that he probably can’t fly 7
Vertically Challenged Giant 3 years

R&B singer, songwriter, producer and alleged kiddy-fiddler R Kelly has finally admitted after 15 years that he can’t fly. The American music star had repeatedly stated over the last decade and...

Elderly Smoking Pimp is disgusted at retirement home's Hoes-N-Pipe Ban 0
Perks 3 years
R Kelly to record album of Dr Seuss-inspired songs 0
bonjonelson 3 years

Noted American rap star R Kelly (real name, Robert Sylvester Kelly) is proving once again that he has a unique connection with young people by collaborating on an album of new material with the...

Foxy Knoxy to give exclusive 'let's find the real killer' statement via sponsor 0
ronseal 3 years
Daily Mail written by immigrants 3
3 years

In a shock to the publishing world, the Telegraph newspaper claims to have evidence that the Daily Mail is not written in the UK at all, but in third world sweat shops. After years of claiming that...

Cameron: It's all someone else's fault. 4
deskpilot3 3 years

The prime minister told Andrew Marr today that he understood that ordinary people were feeling the impact of rising energy prices, the cost of the family shop, and the wage freezes in the public...

Drivers in M56 tailback pretending it’s a big bucks Hollywood disaster movie 7
Gary Stanton 3 years

Motorists in a huge 10km tailback on the M56 near Ellesmere Port got out of their cars and began pacing up and down like they were extras in some ridiculously unnecessary Hollywood disaster flick...

Osbourne pledges £50m for graphite research: Headlines to write themselves 0
kga6 3 years

George Osbourne has provided the lead for his own bullets with a cock-up to match Eric Pickles' omission of cheese from his last cheese on toast. The witless Chancellor, no stranger to tackling...

Pharmacist of the Year hopefuls make it through to Boots Camp 5
dicky37 3 years

[More soon]...

Newspaper for the hearing impaired will be entirely in capital letters 2
nickb 3 years

MORE SOON!...

ITV launches new reality show for cataract patients: Scars in their eyes. 1
dominic_mcg 3 years
Hospitals told to expect more cuts in self harming units. More soon. 2
dominic_mcg 3 years
Man suspended for carrying banana through office 21
Qoxiivi 3 years

Tony Vail, an accounts assistant from Harrow, is facing sexual misconduct charges for carrying a banana through his office in what his victims describe as ‘a sustained campaign of implicit explicit...

Online journalist redundancies mean many headlines are not being 6
bonjonelson 3 years
EU supports M25 campaign for “anti-clockwise” to be known as ”the other way” 1
Gary Baldy 3 years

Roadworks (the M25 supporters group) have convinced the EU that the M25 is shown in a poor light when half of it is referred to in such an aggressive way. They argued that the term...

Greetings Card's Accessory Salesman of the Year hailed for 'pushing the envelope 3
ronseal 3 years
Amanda Knox to be burned at the stake after losing appeal 0
Waggys Dog 3 years

Judges agree with prosecutors and demand "Burn, burn, burn the witch!"...

World record traffic queue – Caravan Club delighted 2
Midfield Diamond 3 years

The congestion on the A30 at the weekend has landed Mr. Alan Collingwood in the record books. It was his caravan that held up a world record 176 cars as he trundled his way slowly back from the West...

Greeks announce end of economic crisis-government will 'take in lodger' 0
writinginbsl 3 years
Pickles vows to strengthen Green Belt... 0
John Ffitch-Rucker 3 years

after his black leather one gave up under the strain...

Tory Conference: Pickles announces burger subsidy, to appeal to wider audience. 0
kga6 3 years
Lunch boxes to contain meat and two veg, government decrees 0
Clarky 3 years
Danish rasher message targets fatties 0
Clarky 3 years

As well as a ‘fat tax’, the government of Denmark is introducing a new system for marking bacon. Instead of having ‘Danish’ written all over it, the message will now read, 'Put me down, you...

New manager pledges to return Nottingham Forest to Divison 3 'imminently' 21
Mr Payne 3 years
Wenger targets top seventeen finish... 0
spoole2112 3 years

With Arsenal's current run of bad form continuing, Arsene Wenger has conceded that soon, the only reason he will need to visit Europe, is to catch up with elderly relativesadding wryly that some of...

O.J. Simpson to play Michael Jackson's doctor in biopic of singer's death 0
JayGee 3 years
Man is still left pondering if he's an Americano drinker 0
roybland 3 years

After weeks of self-analysis and soul searching, IT consultant Bill Mason (24) is still left pondering if he's a cappuccino or an Americano man. He explains that he's always been a regular size...

New Kate Moss cosmetics to be sold by the gramme 3
dvo4fun 3 years

More soon (but possibly not)...

Alma telescope identifies unexplained particles on Peter Crouch's head. 1
spoole2112 3 years

In a departure from its quest to resolve the mystery of the Cosmic Dawn, the world's most complex telescope has inadvertantly stumbled accross the answer to another question that has baffled top...