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An Idiot's Guide to ... Canada

As the old song goes, "It's big, it's bare, it's somewhere over there". This sums up succinctly what most people feel about the great nation of Canada. Well, we are here to help, with our rough guide...

8
seymour totti 17.07.12 9:15am
writinginbsl
Dastardly & Muttley paint tunnel on wall at Tour de France (v2)

Following Dick Dastardly's dastardly plan to pop everyone else's tyres yesterday, the leader of team "Le Batard" has today painted a tunnel on a brick wall. To everyone's amazement, the peloton...

6
grottymonty 17.07.12 9:13am
writinginbsl
Lone synchronised swimmer arrives by sea for Olympics

As competitors begin to arrive in London for the Olympic Games, one athlete has had an epic journey having swum all of the way from her home in the distant Pacific Ocean quite literally to the shores...

1
Stan 17.07.12 9:12am
writinginbsl
Little surprise Yahoo’s search for its new boss took so long 5
Duncan Biscuit 17.07.12 9:09am
Psycadelic Squirrel
Traditionalists attack Scottish cabinet plans for same-sex Gay Gordon couples 0
Duncan Biscuit 17.07.12 8:33am
Duncan Biscuit
MPs draft in Theresa May after GS4 boss fails to turn up to answer questions 0
Duncan Biscuit 17.07.12 8:33am
Duncan Biscuit
First Olympic swimmers find German team’s towels already at pool side 0
Duncan Biscuit 17.07.12 8:32am
Duncan Biscuit
10 year waiting list for Bash Street school

Frustrated parents in Beanotown have complained about the admissions policy of a local school. "It' ridiculous; some pupils have been held back for the past 70 years so there are thousands of kids...

0
apepper 17.07.12 8:10am
apepper
Noah 'humiliated' as all ark occupants revealed to be male. 0
kimllfixit 17.07.12 8:00am
kimllfixit
Population growth down to migrants brought in to carry torch

Britain's population boom is solely down to the train loads of migrants brought from Eastern Europe to haul a fire round the highways and byeways of the UK., "To be fair, who in their right mind...

0
grottymonty 17.07.12 7:31am
grottymonty
Extinction fears as Britain's milkmen down to last 3 breeding pairs

Once an abundant sight in the early hours of the morning on the Streets of the UK, the indigenous populations of milkmen have declined, to almost extinction. Some observers even report that there are...

11
simonjmr 17.07.12 7:29am
nickb
Sexed Up Versions Of Classic Novels On The Way.....

Gives a whole new meaning to "Wuthering Heights."...

0
Jesse Bigg 17.07.12 7:00am
Jesse Bigg
Texas death row inmate revises “unachievable” travel bucket list

Condemned murderer Jed Murray accepts his incarceration in the Texas State Penitentiary made his “50 places to visit before I die” bucket list unachievable. “I managed a side trip to the Grand...

3
Yikes 16.07.12 9:37pm
The Masked Frog
Beatification may be just down the road for the Olympic Flame

With a little over a week to go before the games’ opening ceremony, the Pope is to fast-track an application for recognition of the Olympic Flame as a Saint. “Technically, there needs to be at...

10
dvo4fun 16.07.12 9:33pm
The Masked Frog
Inverdale may be off the hook after gaffe.

A leading sports presenter at this weekend’s athletics Grand Prix in London may face a BBC professional conduct enquiry, after asking an athlete a question that was neither trite nor predictable....

6
dvo4fun 16.07.12 9:24pm
custard cream
Bradley Wiggins carried round on dais when not cycling

It has been revealed tonight that Britain's maillot Jaune shoe in Brad Wiggins is carried round on a dais by his teammates when not actually cycling. Not content with being lead up hill and down dale...

1
grottymonty 16.07.12 9:23pm
custard cream
Olympic flame - now just buggering about waiting for Olympics to start

LOCOG officials have confirmed that the torch has been everywhere they wanted to go and are now just "hanging about in the Home Counties"...

0
grottymonty 16.07.12 7:46pm
grottymonty
FA Respect Committee fails to agree on correct spelling of (k)nobhead. 1
Catch32 16.07.12 7:12pm
grottymonty
'Jesus Christ ... look at the ratings' says Lloyd-Webber. 0
MADJEZ 16.07.12 7:08pm
MADJEZ
Man With Erectile Dysfunction Selected For Limpprick Games. 3
arthurminnit 16.07.12 6:50pm
Thor
Sponsorship & 400m Hamburger Hurdles are "completely unrelated" claim organisers

Olympic organisers strongly denied yesterday that their newest track event, in which runners pursue a speeding wire-pulled hamburger before wrestling rivals to the death for a bite of it, was in any...

5
NewSuburbanDad 16.07.12 6:40pm
Psycadelic Squirrel
David Beckham 'disappointed' with consolation role as Olympic bag-checker 0
Catch32 16.07.12 6:22pm
Catch32
English defence league take over Olympic security as G4S phone in sick.

A week is a long time in politics. And so is a day. A day in which we have seen the entire workforce of security firm G4S phone in sick in the morning, and in the afternoon the entire English Defence...

1
The Masked Frog 16.07.12 6:14pm
dvo4fun
Home Secretary not quite 100% about where she lives. 0
rustytruss 16.07.12 5:14pm
rustytruss
Hornby Model Railways awarded contract for electrification of Midland mainline 0
Mandy Lifeboat 16.07.12 4:59pm
Mandy Lifeboat
Torch relay on Isle of Wight told to "PUT THAT LIGHT OUT"

Don't you know there's a war on?...

0
Tomfinger 16.07.12 4:11pm
Tomfinger
Olympic Village fete opens with whack the rat: Team GB take first Goldfish

Hat tip to Button who seems to be in bed with everyone at the moment...

1
charlies_hat 16.07.12 3:03pm
button
Chris Brown pens new porn novel 'Seven Shades of Shit' 0
bonjonelson 16.07.12 11:25am
bonjonelson
2012 TV spoof slammed for not even getting close to a spoof.

BBC apologists have rallied round in support of the TV comedy 2012. "We briefed the writers to make it far-fetched but we simply could not have predicted cock-ups on such a grand scale. Scripts were...

0
Boutros 16.07.12 11:25am
Boutros
Troops to get Olympics Conflict medals

Soldiers serving in the militarised East London Province will be awarded medals on completion of their Olympics tour of duty, the Defence Secretary announced today. The move virtually guarantees...

2
Boutros 16.07.12 10:56am
Boutros