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Murray’s Rating Upgraded From “Dour Scot" To British Number One

Scottish tennis playing misery-guts, Andy Murray, is said to be overjoyed at hearing the news that from today and following his status having been upgraded by his Mum’s nationality rating agency,...

Duff 26.06.12 8:43am
Virgin rebirthing scheme exposed

[i]Our Afterlife correspondent reports[/i]: In a dramatic turn of events, just hours after news broke of 72 Richard Bransons greeting a suicide bomber in Paradise, a scheme has been uncovered...

26.06.12 8:19am
Retirement home football team still hoping for first clean sheet. 2
weematt 26.06.12 8:10am
Weaker ants now forced to shop at ALDI say scientists

A report published in the Myrmecological News this week reveals that an increasing number of ants working here in the UK are no longer able to bench-press fifty times their own body weight., The...

Nerys Hughes 26.06.12 8:08am
Newsbiscuit Contributors "A Catty Bunch Of Jealous Queens", reveals study - 2

There seems to be some truth in it....

TiffindeVere 26.06.12 7:40am
Paul Simon and EL James to release 50 ways to relieve your lover 2
charlies_hat 26.06.12 7:23am
wrong place... 0
medici2471 26.06.12 7:21am
Ann Summers launches new '50 Grades of Shea' lubricant. 0
weematt 26.06.12 7:20am
World Wide Fund for Nature steps in as Cockneys become endangered species.

They were almost hunted to extinction by the Krays during the sixties, partly beautiful plumage of the Pearly Kings and Queens. A captive breeding program is underway in a site of special scientific...

Ian Searle 26.06.12 6:53am
Ian Searle
Dismay as suicide bomber met in heaven by 72 Richard Bransons. 2
Maverick 26.06.12 5:36am
Pontiff remains tight-lipped about 'papal prophylactics'

A spokesman for the company behind the new 'Vatican Tickler' range of Pope-shaped condoms has told of plans for an aggressive campaign, as they prepare to insert themselves into a tight market. He...

26.06.12 2:32am
Scottish independence "hangs on Murray's performance"

A senior government spokesman has admitted that if Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, he will become irrevocably British and Scottish independence will therefore be impossible. "There's just no way England...

apepper 25.06.12 11:24pm
BBC finally gives Matt Baker his own Channel.

BBC executives have at last decided to give regional favourite and all round chipper chappy, Matt Baker, his own TV channel. Since the former Blue Peter presenter has been on every BBC TV show since...

wallster 25.06.12 10:42pm
Under 25's to get pocket money 'if they have a tidy bedroom' says David Cameron 0
Mandy Lifeboat 25.06.12 8:07pm
Mandy Lifeboat
Argentina suggest resolving Falklands dispute by penalty shoot out

David Cameron quickly rejected proposals from Argentine President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner that the thirty year old conflict be settled using a sudden death penalty solution. "The last...

gregle 25.06.12 7:58pm
Science News - Venus transits Wimbledon. 0
Maverick 25.06.12 7:57pm
Business News - BT announces bulk deal with Autistic Society. More soon. 0
Maverick 25.06.12 7:52pm
David Cameron to Stop Subsidised Swimming for Diving Doleys

In the most far reaching welfare reforms since 1945, David Cameron has pledged to eradicate half price swimming sessions for the unemployed by 2015. "It's costing the tax payer literally billions"...

The Masked Frog 25.06.12 5:46pm
The Masked Frog
PM plans to eliminate poverty by killing off poor people

More to follow...

apepper 25.06.12 4:45pm
Independent Scotland's money to be called the Currency Unit or CU. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 25.06.12 4:35pm
English urge Scottish ‘Better Together’ campaigners to ‘shut the fuck up’

Voters in England are urging politicians from all three major parties to just let Scotland vote for independence, and be done with it. Terry Smith, a spokesman for the no-pressure group ‘Haven’t...

Runestone Cowboy 25.06.12 4:11pm
"Chuggers" to switch to "choplifting"

After mounting concern over the tactics of their High Street charity collectors, TAG Campaign has responded by promising their operations will now be much more discreet. “Collectors will now...

Yikes 25.06.12 4:08pm
Vertically Challenged Giant
Unspotted clause in contract forces phone giant to rebrand as “Yodafone"

Mobile phone supplier Vodafone has lost a legal dispute over a clause in an advertising deal with Lucasfilm which will oblige the communications giant to rename itself "Yodafone". The dispute has...

grumblechops 25.06.12 3:18pm
Scotland IP to vote on withdrawing from UKIP 0
bonjonelson 25.06.12 2:48pm
RBS software upgrade downgraded to substandard and poor. 0
weematt 25.06.12 1:54pm
Random drug cheats to be introduced for London 2012 Olympics

In a bid to raise the excitement during the Olympic games, the IOC have announced they will be fielding athletes pumped full of performance enhancing drugs, into some of the games Blue ribbon events....

Iamthestig 25.06.12 1:30pm
Egyptian President assures Christians and women they will be persecuted fairly. 5
Al OPecia 25.06.12 1:28pm
Police investigate mystery disappearance of England flags from millions of cars

Police up and down the UK are investigating the mass disappearance of England flags that where once attached to cars. The mysterious multi-theft happened at about 22:25 on Sunday evening. A...

Perks 25.06.12 12:05pm
England Regains Form after Jittery Start

There must have been a lot of butterflies in English stomachs last night before the kick-off against Italy, as disgruntled fans whose expectations had been dashed by seeing their team get through the...

Cymraeg 25.06.12 11:58am
British women's waists too big say short-armed men 0
roybland 25.06.12 11:15am