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‘Your prayer is important to us’, God insists.‘Yeah, right!’...

In a ribbon-cutting ceremony attended by cherubim, seraphim, saints, the great, the good and other celestial bodies, God has declared his new state-of-the-art prayer centre ‘well and truly open’....

Tripod 29.12.13 6:23pm
Boston church rises above flooding 0
davetwojackets 29.12.13 5:58pm
Pygmies who visited Edwardian England found very little to do 1
davetwojackets 29.12.13 5:49pm
Fat middle-aged Harry voted Sex-Symbol of the Year.

An overweight 50 year old shopkeeper from Telford has become an unlikely sex symbol. About a year ago women started turning up on my doorstep and offering themselves to me in all sorts of ways...

MADJEZ 29.12.13 5:00pm
Kevin the Swan
Breast implants to be regulated by Ophwoar. More soon. 0
Al OPecia 29.12.13 3:23pm
Al OPecia
A Merry Christma's

to all apostrophe abusers...

Titus 29.12.13 12:52pm
Charles Saatchi to marry Michelle Obama

He has turned down Scarlet Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Delia Smith and Grayson Perry, all of whom are said to be devastated by the impersonal nature of the rejection letters they received after...

nickb 29.12.13 11:09am
Mary Berry discovers McArthur Park Cake recipe after it was left out in the rain 0
Ian Searle 29.12.13 10:47am
Ian Searle
Thin Santa pandemic sparks parental action after lightest Santas on record

Concerns have been voiced by disgruntled parents after new figures revealed that this years’ Santas were the lightest on record. Santas as light as 14 stone have been reported working town centre...

kga6 29.12.13 10:34am
Disappearing up one's own arse may be technically possible

An investigation by Mail Online into its own 'Sidebar of Shame' has concluded that it may be possible one day to mix bullshit and hypocrisy in such proportions that the very fabric of the space time...

Landfill 29.12.13 9:31am
RSPCA Criticised For Prosecuting Man For Having Silly Name

The Ridicuous Society for the Persecution of the Country Allliance (not to be confused with any other society with vaguely similar initials) was criticised by a judge recently for spending £350,000...

Titus 29.12.13 8:10am
Dorset student blames driving test failure on lack of innovation

Joe Billingham, 20, from Dorset, today tragically failed his first driving test. Rather than making the standard complaints regarding examiner quality and weather conditions, Joe is choosing to...

KateWritesStuff 29.12.13 12:08am
Power companies reduce Christmas bills by cutting off power

Grateful electricity customers are celebrating the power companies generous power-cuts over the Christmas holiday. One customer enthused; "Normally, we spend a fortune on heating, lighting and TV...

apepper 28.12.13 9:46pm
An introduction to Hip Hop.

Hip Hop originated from people stealing instrumental sections from other people’s songs, and then talking over the stolen instrumental sections. For example, our Lord and Saviour Puff Daddy...

Szandor Menzies 28.12.13 9:31pm
Clowns International complain about the antics of MP Fabricant

Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant has responded to claims that his appearances are “harming society” and helping to fuel the fear of clowns. Tony Eldridge, secretary of Clowns International which...

medici2471 28.12.13 6:27pm
RSPCA "Sinister and Nasty" Says man with incredibly silly name.

In an interview with the Daily Telegraph, the RSPCA has been branded a "Sinister and Nasty" organisation by the head of the Countryside Alliance General Sir Barney White-Spunner. In his interview,...

blokefromstoke 28.12.13 6:05pm
We look back to nostalgia's golden age

More to follow...

apepper 28.12.13 5:05pm
David Moyes takes tip from Sir Alex about time-keeping...

David Moyes is taking lessons on time-keeping from his puce-faced predecessor. When the 90th minute approaches, the beleaguered manager bellows at the referee, while stabbing at his watch with a...

Tripod 28.12.13 1:30pm
Weird man spends all day interacting with people face to face 0
Dumbnews 28.12.13 12:48pm
Muslim shopkeeper refuses to stop selling alcohol to atheists

Baz Hassan, 37, owner of the Bearwood Booze off licence in Smethwick, has said he will not stop selling dangerous amounts of alcohol to atheists, agnostics and Christians, despite calls from leaders...

Des Custard 28.12.13 11:10am
'I hate Christmas, it's so expensive', says woman queuing outside Next at 5am

Thousands of people across Britain have explained how ‘knackered and broke’ they are this week, whilst being herded into single-file queues by shopping mall security staff in the early hours of...

Jesus H 28.12.13 10:41am
Jesse Bigg
Chinese to introduce one Yak policy

While Beijing plans to ease their one-child policy, there is a growing sense that something needs to be done about decades of 'yak stockpiling'. Under the proposal, Chinese homes will lose their...

Wrenfoe 28.12.13 10:32am
Angel Of The North described as ‘shit’ in landmark judgement

Twitter 140 character limit...

farmer giles 28.12.13 10:31am
Jesse Bigg
United manager: I need more time, especially at the end of tight games.

Saturday's Gossip: United's new manager, annoyed by the lack of time-added-on at the end of United's matches, plans corrective action to boost United's chances of at least a top 4 place. Following a...

weematt 28.12.13 10:24am
Nelson Column Enhancement Loan Of Elgin Marbles, At The Base...

…"Now get on that deck, "Nelly" and stop being a puffter, and start walking up and down; and don't forget to wave, you big sailor."...

Jesse Bigg 28.12.13 10:23am
Jesse Bigg
‘Turkey to join EU in time for next Christmas’ sprouts Brussels

The décor at Nigel Farage’s local pub was totally ruined when he heard the news and his head exploded. “His face looked as though someone had stuck two fingers up his asshole just before the...

farmer giles 28.12.13 5:55am
Lindy Moone
UK Greenpeace activists elect not to return home in horse drawn carriage 0
medici2471 28.12.13 1:13am
Girl who's "naughty, but nice" confuses Santa by being on both lists 2
Smart Alex 27.12.13 9:46pm
UK economy set to shrink as people do no work for a week

Over the last couple of months the UK economy has seen steady growth of about 37p. Unfortunately all the good work looks set to be undone as people do absolutely nothing for a week between Christmas...

James Pluside 27.12.13 3:58pm
James Pluside
Calls for Ofcom to investigate lack of 'Great Esacpe' on TV over Christmas 1
Ian Searle 27.12.13 1:50pm