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Ancestors are tax deductable – claims Lauryn Hill

World markets have seen share prices rise following reports that the Grammy-winning singer, Lauryn Hill, has managed to write off $1.8m (£1.2m) tax bill as the cost of being “a child of former...

Wrenfoe 10.05.13 9:07am
Absence of Fergie news dismays United fans

After 48 hours of wall to wall coverage following Alex Fergusons decision to retire, Manchester United fans are struggling to come to terms with news channels interest in other items. There are...

Sheepback 10.05.13 8:53am
Murder investigations hampered as police banned from chalking outlines on street 0
Smart Alex 10.05.13 7:01am
Smart Alex
Girls - seven surefire ways to tell if your man is starting to lose interest

1. He leaves home, 2. He starts sleeping with another woman, 3. He gets divorced, 4. He changes his name and starts wearing a false beard, 5. He emigrates, 6. He commits suicide, 7. He murders...

Terry 10.05.13 6:50am
Wormwood Scrubs "looking forward to best ever Panto season". More soon.

Stellar cast arguing over who's going to get aladdin...

Al OPecia 10.05.13 6:29am
Russian surgeon left slightly smaller woman inside woman

More to follow...

apepper 10.05.13 5:43am
Visit to Starbucks ruined by shit stirrers 1
Idiot 10.05.13 2:49am
Scientists confirm: Paul Simon does have a nikon camera and he takes photographs 0
A.J. DiCosimo 10.05.13 2:48am
A.J. DiCosimo
“Eton College to be called Slough Academy” - announces headmaster

Eton College, the world's most famous public school since 1440, is to change it's name to The Slough Academy. Announcing the move at today's assembly, headmaster Anthony Trevelyan told boys the hour...

Lenny Bee 09.05.13 10:41pm
Lenny Bee
Luther King "dream" speech "much better after Coretta's help"

Martin Luther King's original 1963 speech, entitled "I had a dream where all these weird marshmallows were floating past our front room window", was "drastically improved by his wife Coretta" say...

QorbeQ 09.05.13 9:57pm
"Lucky" underwear to hit exam results, retailers

Universities and schools nationwide are steeling themselves for poor results following reports that more students than ever are relying on lucky underwear to see them through their examinations....

QorbeQ 09.05.13 9:51pm
The Queen and Fergie at it again....

The Queen was three minutes early for the State Opening of Parliament this morning and Sir Alex Ferguson announced he was quitting as manager of Manchester United. Conspiracy theorists will clearly...

Peter McHugh 09.05.13 8:13pm
Peter McHugh
NHS to reclaim surgical instruments left inside patient's bodies

The NHS is seeking to reclaim £10m worth of cutting-edge surgical equipment, inadvertently left behind by surgeons as they sewed-up patients in the operating theatre. Announcing the initiative,...

Lenny Bee 09.05.13 7:39pm
Moyes to be given Fergusons 27 year old gum in Old Trafford handover ceremony

Moyes soon...

simonjmr 09.05.13 5:49pm
Rooney wants 250,000 pork pies a week plus lard-ons 0
Lenny Bee 09.05.13 4:52pm
Lenny Bee
Island of Shewentofherownaccord's #1 holiday destination of joke wives

according to a survey of Dads...

gaijintendo 09.05.13 3:45pm

[oops, been done before]...

Sinnick 09.05.13 3:17pm
Bill to split coalition splits coalition

A proposed bill that legally separates the Conservative and Lib Dem coalition has caused a row between the government coalition parties. Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg explained his position; "Unless...

apepper 09.05.13 3:11pm
"Nazi musical is forced to close after being mistaken for Viva Forever"

More later...

Wrenfoe 09.05.13 3:05pm
UKIP Councillors bid to fill channel tunnel with concrete

Kent County Council today put to tender an order for 102 million cubic metres of concrete, receiving 17 competitive bids before lunch. A spokesperson for the County Surveyor's Office said at a press...

Our Business Correspondent 09.05.13 2:51pm
Our Business Correspondent
Elton John's songs to be translated into English

Oxford University has announced that it will begin translation of Elton John's songs into English,using some of its top linguists. The man in charge of the project, Professor Robert Leeming, said:...

John Wiltshire 09.05.13 2:25pm
Lennon was right "Happyness is a warm off the HP uPrint 3D-5000" 0
theinvisiblecitychannels 09.05.13 2:17pm
Bored Since The Escape Of Your Female House Guests After 10 Years? Write For NB 1
Titus 09.05.13 2:10pm
Brian Cant admits defeat. 3
sredni vashta 09.05.13 1:41pm
NHS 'Never Events' to be replaced by 'Never Ever Again Events'

In a bid to curb hideous surgical foul-up that should never have happened but did the NHS are to introduce a new ‘Never Happened scale’. A spokesperson explained “We will still have Never...

theinvisiblecitychannels 09.05.13 1:38pm
Steve McClaren uses fake English accent on BBC 0
Hooch 09.05.13 1:17pm
70`s Music Stars Hold Benefit Gig to Raise Cash for Abuse Claim Fighting-Fund

An anticipated Tsunami of Court costs and compensation claims has prompted Rock musicians from the 60s and 70s to join together for a summer music marathon., Rumour has it that the monster show,...

Nimrod 09.05.13 1:01pm
Barbara Hewson revealed to be worried ex- BBC 70 year old man

more later...

sillybugger 09.05.13 12:50pm
Bob Marley fans’ frustration as their 3D printers keep jammin’ 0
Midfield Diamond 09.05.13 12:36pm
Midfield Diamond
Queen harangues Sir Alex : “It's your duty to stay”

Sir Alex Ferguson has received a letter from the Queen urging him to rescind his decision to retire and stay on as Manager of Manchester United. Sources close to her Majesty reveal she has advised...

Lenny Bee 09.05.13 12:25pm
Lenny Bee