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Wayne Rooney 'keeping his options open' after finally collecting A-Level results

Exactly ten years after sitting his exams, unsettled Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney has finally returned to De La Salle College to collect his A-Level results, to find 'straight A*s'...

Jesus H 15.08.13 2:14pm
Jesus H
Labour leader to appear on Egg Heads. 0
godly1966 15.08.13 2:03pm
110% pass rate in this year's maths A levels 7
Rootin Tootin 15.08.13 1:18pm
John Wiltshire
Study shows amusingly named mining techniques “unlikely to be successful”

A study by Manchester University has shown that mining techniques with amusing names are rarely as successful as ones with serious sounding names. “There was no way Fracking was ever going to gain...

cleggmaniac 15.08.13 1:15pm
Milliband's hair greys and appearance changes following egg incident

Hours after the egg throwing incident Ed Milliband appeared outside labour party headquarters. He emerged looking like almost a completely different man, with greying hair, prominent teeth, an older...

antharrison 15.08.13 12:47pm
Judge says gallows-cheating criminal has "suspension deficit disorder" 1
sydalg 15.08.13 12:41pm
Bear claims he was forced into marmalade smuggling

A bear arrested at a London terminal railway station said he was " coerced"' into smuggling marmalade in small containers into Britain from South America. Arrested as he got off the Heathrow...

nickb 15.08.13 11:53am
John Wiltshire
Woman’s Hour recipes “to become more feminist”

Woman's Hour, Radio 4’s flagship programme for persons of either cake have launched a season of gender-neutral recipes, aimed at the feminist stay-at-home home maker of either sex. “All too...

CulchaVulcha 15.08.13 11:50am
The Great British Takeaway !!

South London Chinese takeaway "Yu Orways Foget" have complained to the Mailshot Regulatory Authority (MRA )after frustrated local residents posted 758 takeaway mailshot leaflets through their letter...

Andrew Mack 15.08.13 11:39am
Andrew Mack
I love biking and I love to bike ! (RIP Mel Smith)

Reduced Boris bike rate announced for Penny Farthing !!...

Andrew Mack 15.08.13 11:33am
Andrew Mack
Shortage of Virgins predicted, as Egypt Martyr toll rises 1
Rowly 15.08.13 11:11am
Plans for wooden aeroplane dismissed as "ply in the sky" 0
sydalg 15.08.13 10:59am
Unemployed Nazi Hunter now working for library overdue fines department

Joseph Golding, a veteran Nazi hunter with over 40 years experience in bringing World War II war criminals to justice, claimed to have ‘found a new lease of life’ following his decision to...

Re Pete 15.08.13 10:40am
Short tempered, forgetful doctor loses patients... 0
Location 15.08.13 10:37am
Castro 'surprised to still be alive', says Mandella 0
medici2471 15.08.13 10:21am
Despite visiting Relate, separated Krakow couple still poles apart 1
Smart Alex 15.08.13 9:16am
Fans Contribute Fund To Buy Poverty-Stricken Simon Cowell A Proper Shirt And Tie 0
Titus 15.08.13 8:45am
Direct link found between a country's average temperature and mental instability 1
medici2471 15.08.13 8:26am
Social workers join politicians in hand-wringing over Egypt

Social workers were quick to join politicians today in hand-wringing over the chaos in Egypt. The head of Social Workers, Maggie Whistance, said:'We love an opportunity to say how terible something...

John Wiltshire 15.08.13 7:59am
John Wiltshire
A level results: Liverpool again top the table with most eh?s 0
Not Amused 15.08.13 7:59am
Not Amused
Concern Expressed Over Pregnant Panda News Blackout

The authorities have declined to comment as angry mobs surge outside zoo. "We demand the truth" chanted the crowds "What's going on? Why is news being being kept from us? Why have the facts been...

Titus 15.08.13 7:20am
Horny woman baffled why no man responds to her emails 0
Dumbnews 15.08.13 12:47am
Queen, Coalition and Murdoch fight over donation to 'whoever runs the country'

It can be done with minimum effort...

Lens Cap 14.08.13 11:08pm
Mafia denial as Sarah Jessica Parker's husband wakes to find horse's head in bed 0
blacklesbianandproudofit 14.08.13 10:59pm
Ed Miliband in Salmonella scare 6
Scronnyglonkle 14.08.13 10:47pm
Steve Coogan to release motivational comedy training video. More soon. 1
Al OPecia 14.08.13 10:15pm
New batch of Barbara Cartland novels breaks publisher's forklift 2
sydalg 14.08.13 6:35pm
Measurement device makers working to rule

More to follow...

apepper 14.08.13 6:10pm
Egg Miliband 0
medici2471 14.08.13 5:22pm
Man who punched police horse pleads "nay" to all charges. More soon. 0
Al OPecia 14.08.13 4:50pm
Al OPecia