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Blatter to use Alternative Bribe system 1
John Wiltshire 3 years

Embattled FIFA president Sepp Blatter has announced he will introduce the Alternative Bribe system into future FIFA dealings. 'Under the new system,' he explained, 'if I get less than 50% of the...

Waitrose "As Good as Going Out" range is also as expensive, says study 0
pthr 3 years
Doctor Who show-runner Steven Moffat to "rest" Oprah Winfrey 0
pthr 3 years

Steven Moffat has announced that Oprah Winfrey will be given "a rest" from US prime time television. Moffat, who is head writer and executive producer for the long-running British sci-fi series,...

Jedward to be sent to Libya to "flush Gaddafi out". More soon. 0
Al OPecia 3 years
sssshhh 3-1 3
3 years

Ryan Giggs has just taken out a super injuction to keep his teams 3-1 defeat secret,and tonite will be feasting on german cucumber...

Hamilton: 'Is it cos I is black?' Stewards: 'No, it's because you're danger 1
John Wiltshire 3 years

Stewards at the Monaco Grand Prix today made it clear to Lewis Hamilton that they penalised him not because he is a light shade of black, but because he deliberately smashed into other cars., A...

Interpreters threaten strike if Cheryl Cole becomes Ratko Mladic Trial judge 0
JohnA 3 years

"It's bad enough translating from Sebian to English without having to translate into Geordie as well"...

Bin Hammam to collect refuse on Wednesdays, recycling every other Thursday 0
Iamthestig 3 years
Andy Murray wins match, so he doesn't need 'injured ankle' excuse 1
John Wiltshire 3 years

After his victory against Viktor Troiki in the French Open, Andy Murray has told everyone to forget that he had an ankle injury, as he now didn't need an excuse for losing against someone who had...

Organic farmers discover that E. Coli is also organic 0
JohnA 3 years

"Oh shit!" cries President of Organic Farmer's Union "Who knew that pesticides stopped cucumbers becoming weapons of mass infection?"...

Sri Lanka: "we just wanted to get out of Cardiff as quickly as possible" 1
JohnA 3 years

"Who wants to be in a cold, wet Cardiff on a Monday?", said an unrepentant Sri Lankan captain Tillakatne Dishan, as he raced his team mates to the first eastbound coach...

As May draws to an end fears grow of mass clout shedding 1
beau-jolly 3 years

I'll get me coat off...

FIFA scandal: Platini implores referee to give Blatter red card 1
JohnA 3 years
Ad Exec one step closer to full frontal nudity in commercials 0
Re Pete 3 years

Julian Dos Remedios, account executive at top ad agency Plebian, said he was finally close to a breakthrough in his personal campaign for total female nudity in advertising. The exec said he now...

Blatter just voted in as President of the Flat Earth Society. 0
DiY 3 years
Jobcentre staff overrun by thousands of unemployed Daleks 8
Ludicity 3 years

A massive rise in unemployed Daleks is causing major problems at jobcentres up and down the country, swamping offices and threatening to exterminate staff who fail to find them a job. The problem...

Department of Health advises public to boil cucumbers for 20 minutes 2
3 years

The Department of Health was in a defensive mood last night, after critics accused them of running a nanny state. The criticism follows the department's advice to boil cucumbers for a minimum of 20...

Astronauts spot Simon Cowell’s ego from space 0
Dick Everyman 3 years

Following their mission to install the $2 billion cosmic ray detector on the International Space Station, crew members were amazed to capture Simon Cowell’s ego in the first batch of data to come...

50% of all sexymp.co.uk votes traced to single PC in London Mayoral offices 0
charlies_hat 3 years
Health advice on avoiding e-coli by eating cucumbers is 'Don't fuckin eat them'. 0
Basil_B 3 years
Kate Humble to present Taliban Spring Offensive Watch 4
greg various 3 years

The BBC announced today that the adorable, in a homely sort of way, Kate Humble is being pulled from presenting all programmes featuring animals. She will be jetting off to pastures new on the next...

Headline writers to strike as they find the amount of space they have is limite 0
John Wiltshire 3 years
Olympic ticket delay blamed on slow delivery by torch bearing courier 0
Basil_B 3 years
Scottish FA wants Fifa vote delayed; blames massive bank holiday bender 0
Qoxiivi 3 years
Blatter patter doesn't matter, fatter twatter twitter FIFA 0
virtuallywill 3 years

F.A later, S.F.A later still...

Military careers day successfully avoids mention of chances of being shot 4
Re Pete 3 years

A major UK Armed Forces Careers Day was declared a success by military chiefs after it passed without one reference to the reasonably high probability of becoming a fatality statistic upon signing up...

Jail shortage eased by making Houses of Parliament 'open prison' 0
3 years
ISS astronauts ruing Endeavour's delivery of "lovely fresh cucumber" 0
QorbeQ 3 years
Fergie furious that ref didn't allow extra time until Man U won 1
John Wiltshire 3 years

The volatile Manchester United manager today attacked the referee for the European Cup macth against Barcelona for not allowing the traditional extra time to which his team are entitled., 'Every...

Blatter invites Supertramp to open FIFA conference 2
Duncan Biscuit 3 years