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Ayatollah Khomeini clinches nomination in Texas primary

Grand Ayatollah Ruhollah Musavi Khomeini has secured his place as the Republican challenger to Barack Obama in November’s US presidential election, following a decisive primary in Texas. “I am...

4
Old Hat 31.05.12 11:22am
Old Hat
Doctors strike, & play Golf, which is better than looking at 18 holes a day 0
Rowly 31.05.12 10:31am
Rowly
Nations embarrassing illnesses to go untreated as Dr Christian and Pixie strike 0
simonjmr 31.05.12 10:28am
simonjmr
Queen to stay at home due to increased Diamond Jubilee and Bank Holiday traffic 1
thackaray 31.05.12 10:15am
Gerontius
Man Excused From Appearing at Leveson

Bob Simpson was overjoyed today to learn he will be the only person in Britain excused from appearing at the Leveson inquiry. The inquiry, due to finish in May 2042, has come in for criticism for...

3
daneade 31.05.12 10:13am
Rowly
China Tells World ‘Call that a massacre?’

China has told the international community to stop being such big girls’ blouses when it comes to a bit of massacre-ing. Pressed for action against Syria after the Houla massacre China responded...

16
daneade 31.05.12 9:41am
Yikes
Eddie Shah Arrest Latest: Iran to press for extradition.

more today...

0
Scronnyglonkle 31.05.12 8:24am
Scronnyglonkle
Church hit by bat droppings gives whole new meaning to the phrase......

'Bless the beautiful bride.'...

1
Jesse Bigg 31.05.12 7:34am
Jesse Bigg
United States Divides In Half For Good Following End Of Second Civil War

NEWS OF THE FUTURE- April, 2018, Many changes have come to America in the years since the second Civil War in 2017. As you well know the increasing partisan tensions between the Democrats and...

1
31.05.12 7:25am
arthurminnit
Coulson was lying when he admitted to perjury

The arrest of Andy Coulson has been thrown into chaos by his claim that when he admitted perjury he was, in fact, lying. A police spokesman explained, "If it's true that he lied then he can't be...

0
apepper 31.05.12 6:09am
apepper
11-day British Summer 'Longest Since Records Began'

As the British summer draws to a dramatic close after a staggering 11 days, scientists from the Met Office are hailing it as 'the longest British summer since records began in 1865'., 'It really is...

0
thecritic 31.05.12 2:48am
thecritic
Angry Facebook investors pacified by picture of kitten asking for ‘cheezburger’

A major revolt by thousands of private investors in Facebook has been nipped in the bud by a series of heartwarming and whimsical postings from the social media organisation itself. Shares in the...

7
Skylarking 30.05.12 9:14pm
grumblechops
'Heartless' Cheryl Cole slammed for not giving terminally ill teen a hand job

As he fought his brave losing battle with leukaemia, 17-year old Kyle Anderson knew what his last wish was. 'I want to be tugged off by Cheryl Cole. That would be the ultimate happy finish', he told...

8
Oxbridge 30.05.12 9:08pm
arthurminnit
Ferry cross the Mersey takes evasive action to avoid island in the stream

News update: Coastguard reported to have taken new Liverpool manager Kenny Rodgers in for questioning...

0
Miss Hegas 30.05.12 8:04pm
Miss Hegas
Liverpool hope for a 3, 2 or 1 finish after appointing Ted Rogers as new coach. 0
dominic_mcg 30.05.12 7:29pm
dominic_mcg
Cameron to recruit new communications director from Wormwood Scrubs

PM David Cameron is to employ a convict as his new communications director; "It saves time.", explained a number 10 spokesman...

0
apepper 30.05.12 6:15pm
apepper
Doctors' strike may go unnoticed as receptionists still refuse appointments. 0
dominic_mcg 30.05.12 5:15pm
dominic_mcg
Test Match Special called as Leveson co-commentators.

There was shock today among leading analysts as Lord Leveson made the bizarre decision to call the BBC Test Match Special team to the inquiry as his new co-commentry team. The trio of Geoffrey...

0
LPWright 30.05.12 5:09pm
LPWright
Queen may continue to reign after death

Constitutional experts are examining ways in which the Queen could remain on the throne after her death, according to constitutional experts. The idea for the Queen to reign from beyond the grave...

0
roybland 30.05.12 4:24pm
roybland
New RSPCA offices "Not big enough to swing a cat" claim staff 1
grumblechops 30.05.12 3:49pm
dvo4fun
Cable 'impartial' about whether he viewed BSkyB bid with open mind.

Business Secretary Vince Cable has told the Leveson Inquiry he is "not rushing to judge" whether he kept an independent mind when assessing News Corporation's 2010 bid for BSkyB. Mr Cable said "most...

2
Boutros 30.05.12 3:15pm
Boutros
June 21st declared 'National BUPA day'

Hard up NHS doctors are under so much financial pressures that many are forced to take up additional consultancy work in the lucrative private sector, the BMA reported today...

0
tedweasel 30.05.12 1:15pm
tedweasel
Euro and Chocolate Euro reach parity 0
gaijintendo 30.05.12 12:40pm
gaijintendo
Mitt Romney secures Republican nomination to lose presidential re-election 2
medici2471 30.05.12 11:57am
medici2471
Honeymoon period over as Mark Zuckerberg suffers 20% drop in intimate relations

Mark Zuckerberg is threatening to sue his advisors after an overhyped wedding failed to live up to his expectations causing a considerable reduction in sexual congress. “The immediate aftermath of...

1
Yikes 30.05.12 11:49am
Yikes
Indignant Suspected Rapist Learns System Has Gall To Ask Him To Stand Trial

Despite being world famous and really really believing in freedom of information, the suspected rapist Julien Assange today was told he must face trial for rape. "This is a blow for famous suspected...

0
thisisall1word 30.05.12 11:46am
thisisall1word
Tesco speed checkout by stopping sale of unexpected items

Supermarket giant Tesco has come up with an innovative scheme to increase the efficiency of self-checkout systems; they no longer stock unexpected items. "Research has disclosed that most delays were...

1
apepper 30.05.12 11:00am
Boutros
Sinister group target London for exploitation event

Reporters have discovered that a group of wealthy individuals based in Switzerland are arranging to race men from ethnic minorities against each other for their amusement and entertainment this...

9
A Wagonload Of Monkeys 30.05.12 10:54am
beau-jolly
Brits have a negative body image because they're fat bastards, research finds

More than half the British population suffers from a negative body image, an inquiry by MPs has heard. The inquiry also found that half the British population are fat bastards. 'The conjunction of...

1
roybland 30.05.12 10:41am
beau-jolly
GPs vote to strike but surgeons favour deeper cuts 0
nostra da mouse 30.05.12 10:25am
nostra da mouse