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Government appeal to counterfeiters to help with "quantitive easing"

The government have decided to encourage the so-called "private sector" to increase the amount of currency in the economy; a technique known as "quantitive easing". A government spokesman explained;...

apepper 16.05.13 2:06pm
Gove: Stop treating them like children

Education Secretary Michael Gove scrutinized kindergarten education practices, following his recent denouncement of cartoons as study help for students preparing for their GCSEs., Mr Gove voiced his...

16.05.13 2:05pm
'Plain cigarette packaging will improve back-of-fag-packet plans': Cameron

David Cameron has today announced that they will be reinstating their plan for plain cigarette packaging in an attempt to improve the quality of Conservative party policies. 'Sod the health of the...

ianslat 16.05.13 1:41pm
1 yr anniversary of Blockbusters destruction celebrated by Netflix 0
Backup Brian 16.05.13 1:17pm
Backup Brian
"Flash Cam!" Tory Party gets out of control

Prime Minster David Cameron was less than amused to discover, opening his daily Newsbiscuit, that his home had be ransacked by an opportunistic group of “ne'er-do-wells”. Instead of relaxing on a...

Wrenfoe 16.05.13 12:42pm
"We should have f**ked more," regret world's greatest songwriters.

A new survey of leading songwriters from the last 50 years by Rolling Stone magazine reveals startling insights into how the greatest lyricists of our times now thoroughly regret the lack of...

Bertrand Twisted 16.05.13 12:08pm
Bertrand Twisted
Scientist baffled as bread lands butter side up

More soon.. It's just can't get more topical than that!...

brianflan 16.05.13 12:03pm
Leaving Scotland 'not exactly a punishment' says Keith O'Brien victim 3
Idiot 16.05.13 11:52am
1976-style summer predicted as solar scientists observe 'enormous flares' 4
Idiot 16.05.13 11:50am
Nature does not abhor a vacuum after all.

Mother Nature has revealed she has "nothing particular against vacuums, and I do wish people would stop saying I abhor them." Speaking through a Newsbiscuit contributer, she continued, "I'll tell...

Boutros 16.05.13 11:48am
Job Applicant Turned Down Due to Lack of Walking Experience

A Masters student was yesterday turned down for a role as a meter reader due to his lack of professional walking experience. Mark Pye 43, an ex Chief Petty Officer in the Royal Navy, who is...

brianflan 16.05.13 11:42am
Farm forced to close because "well out of order". 0
sredni vashta 16.05.13 11:37am
sredni vashta
Pompous Broadsheet Papers Enjoy Excuse To Put Agelina Jolie's Tits On Front Page 3
Titus 16.05.13 11:02am
Rise in Harry's altruistic organ donation

After donating his organ to the Obama household in what must surely represent a warming of the relationship between UK royalty and the famously frigid US presidential family, Prince Harry declared...

Crooked Man 16.05.13 10:37am
New left-wing Newsnight editor 'will be completely unbiased'

The new editor of Newsnight, former Guardian deputy editor Ian Katz, said at his first press conference today that he will ensure that Newsnight 'will be completely unbiased'. With him was...

John Wiltshire 16.05.13 10:26am
John Wiltshire
" I want a Surgeon on my doorstep 10 O' Clock tomorrow fucking morning."

" And I'll take another dozen, any colour except white.", Madonna tells Publicist...

rob box 16.05.13 9:22am
rob box
Spec-wearing men 'pretend to be wearing Google Glass to attract women'

Scientists have reported a national outbreak of middle-aged spectacle-wearing men trying to give the impression to attractive younger women that they are wearing super-cool Google Glass. 'There have...

John Wiltshire 16.05.13 9:00am
John Wiltshire
Emily Watson praised for taking pre-emptive measures before crossing the street

Hot on the heels of Angelina Jolie revealing she opted to have preventative surgery to reduce her risk of breast cancer, British treasure and not the star of Harry Potter Emily Watson announced she...

Hooch 16.05.13 8:36am
John Terry retires from football to concentrate on lifting trophies 2
Hooch 16.05.13 8:31am
Riot police end Moscow rugby match after referee decides 'Put in not straight' 2
Nob Lorry Rug-muncher 16.05.13 7:50am
Bertrand Twisted
Idiot clicks on spam forum post

More to follow Mods, you can delete this as well once all the rubbish has been cleared it'll just baffle people...

brianflan 16.05.13 5:55am
Bank of England 'optimism' result of rounding error

The Bank of England’s upgraded economic growth forecast has been instantly downgraded after it was revealed there had been an error rounding the predicted inflation figures. Speaking just hours...

theinvisiblecitychannels 15.05.13 11:55pm
“EU broke my heart” claims insecure fish

In news that will please all gill-bearing aquatic craniate, the UK claims a “breakthrough” in getting the EU to stop callously “dumping” their ectothermic girlfriends. UK Ministers have...

Wrenfoe 15.05.13 11:46pm
Hewlett Packard launches printer for cool people, "The HPster" 0
Dumbnews 15.05.13 10:58pm
Cloning allows MP Dorries to run as Tory and UKIP candidate in next election 1
topfotogmw 15.05.13 10:26pm
English outcry as May explores Qatada-O'Brien exchange. 0
weematt 15.05.13 9:02pm
QPR players take a novel approach to reduce inflated wage bill

More later...

Wrenfoe 15.05.13 8:55pm
Nadine Dorries to relive Tommy Cooper's split personality sketch. More soon. 0
Al OPecia 15.05.13 7:57pm
Al OPecia
Qatada defence team 'concerned' as Theresa May considers water cannon 2
FlashArry 15.05.13 7:51pm
Al OPecia
Geek, 40, groomed by schoolgirl.

A forty year old IT engineer, and part time wargames aficionado, has gone into protective custody after apparently being groomed by a Somerset schoolgirl, Leanne Gibbs. The engineer, who cannot be...

No Beard 15.05.13 7:37pm
Nob Lorry Rug-muncher