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Tagging 'inhuman and degrading' claims serial rapist

A serial rapist has appealed to the European Court of Human Rights on the grounds that being tagged is inhuman and degrading. 'Imaging how it feels,' said 22-year-old Harry Fleshman, 'when you have...

Arthur 10.07.13 12:44pm
EU rule against murdered people being in coffins forever

In a controversial ruling today, the EU Court of Justice ruled that murdered people should not be allowed to stay in their coffins without the hope of being resurrected. In their ruling, the court...

John Wiltshire 10.07.13 12:38pm
European Court Bans Punishment Of Criminals

"Not only is punishment a cruel and unnnatural infringement of offenders' human rights" said justice Carmel LeFarge of the European Court of Justice "But calling them 'offenders' is, in itself,...

Titus 10.07.13 11:54am
FA calls for snap World Cup while we're on a roll

(or whoever controls English football)...

beau-jolly 10.07.13 11:35am
Pointless Skin Care Range for Men to be Launched

Cosmetics giant L'Unreal is to launch a new range of cosmetics aimed specifically at the British male. The new range, which will be advertised with the strapline “It's Not Worth It”, will target...

Beerboy 10.07.13 11:22am
God's new religion

A spokesman for the almighty has announced that God will start his own brand religion as soon as he has set up a Facebook account. The spokesman continued, "The Almighty has been quite frankly...

aksakal 10.07.13 10:38am
Evidence of Neat-o

Due to typographic error in yesterdays Guardian we wish to point out that the Rhode Island Religious Society is Providence Based and not as we stated evidence-based...

Scronnyglonkle 10.07.13 10:33am
Drivers of white 4x4s to be offered free penis enlargements

In a bold move to cut the number of unnecessary gas guzzling 4x4s on our roads, a new government scheme is attempting to target the primary culprits: owners of white 4x4s, otherwise known as ‘small...

Slante Dangle 10.07.13 10:27am
Lonely Pensioner Admits She Enjoys Receiving Regular Threatening Letters ...

which is why she has decided not to have a TV licence...

Titus 10.07.13 10:26am
'Wimbledon success will not change me', insists John Terry

Chelsea and England captain John Terry released a statement to concerned Chelsea supporters today, insisting that his success at Wimbledon this year will in no way change him as a person or as a...

Jesus H 10.07.13 10:03am
Man critical after assault in Easterhouse

A man left injured after an attack in the east end of Glasgow has spoken out against his attackers. George Murray, a painter and decorator from Easterhouse, was left with two broken nails, a cut...

sdritchie 10.07.13 9:37am
Muslim Brotherhood overthrown for refusal to break promises.

The Egyptian army have removed the Muslim Brotherhood from power after they consistently attempted to carry out their manifesto. Legitimate democratic elections in the country, for the first time...

sdritchie 10.07.13 9:35am
Game of Thrones prompts fear for Arab Winter

The Arab world has been thrown into despair as HBO’s fantasy epic Game of Thrones began airing in the region. Although a fictional show set in medieval times, many viewers in the middle east have...

sdritchie 10.07.13 9:34am
Parents Offer Their Daughters To Andy Murray In New Superhero-Breeding Bid

"Jihadist suicide bombers only get 72 virgins" said a spokesman for a group of ambitious parents "But we're offering him hundreds"...

Titus 10.07.13 9:27am
Catholic Church To Accelerate Sainthood for Andy Murray

"OK it was only one miracle, but it far surpasses all the footling little miracles performed by all the other recent tinpot saints" said a Vatican spokesman...

Titus 10.07.13 9:20am
An Expert writes

Ian Robertson : BBC rugby union correspondent "You just wonder if they got a lucky bag and picked some names out. "The Lions won the first Test and made eight changes to their squad. The Wallabies...

blacklesbianandproudofit 10.07.13 8:37am
Bertrand Twisted
G4S to provide cabin crew for new Ryanair Africa routes

"This is all about passenger safety and comfort," Ryanair boss Michael O' Leary told a press conference. "Whatever else you may say about our airline we are dead set on making sure we run...

nickb 10.07.13 8:34am
Broken Sat Nav sends bad karma to Canada

Following significant failings in satellite technology, a glut of rotten luck was sent, in error, north over the US/Canadian border. While "Conquest, War, Famine and Death" have traditionally ridden...

Wrenfoe 10.07.13 7:59am
Labour leader in desparate search to locate Falkirk 1
custard cream 10.07.13 7:45am
Hernandez Defense Team Claims Divine Intervention; God Now Suspected in Slaying 0
brm5 10.07.13 7:31am
Australia calls for whales to adhere to international surfer hunting moratorium

It was introduced in September 2006, after an incident involving Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin and a stingray, as a blanket ban preventing all sea life from hunting any Australians. It was later...

Ian Searle 10.07.13 7:08am
Man blinded by the light found talking gibberish

The man was found in a dishevelled and conflustered state wandering around on the High Street in the early hours by a passing constable. "He looked a bit frightened to me," said PC Nutkins, who...

Paddy Berzinski 10.07.13 3:04am
Paddy Berzinski
Knight Rider remake to see return of ‘KITT’ as diesel engine

A remake of the seminal eighties series Knight Rider will see David Hasselhoff teaming up with a diesel engine version of his old crime-fighting buddy KITT, according to reports. The global...

Gary Stanton 09.07.13 11:04pm
Slante Dangle
'Make him "Sir Andy"' say nurses and volunteers

There has been strong support for awarding Andy Murray a knighthood from nurses, social workers, the Samaritans and members of voluntary organisations across the country. 'Of course he should be...

John Wiltshire 09.07.13 10:56pm
Slante Dangle
Union members have to opt in to support labour but opt out of organ donation 1
custard cream 09.07.13 9:19pm
Judge weeps as Joss Stone's would be killer is sent down. More soon. 1
dominic_mcg 09.07.13 7:55pm
European Court of Human Rights wipes out 10 years of tradition at a stroke

More spluttering and disgust soon. We haven't had anything like this since 2003...

Not Amused 09.07.13 6:55pm
Not Amused
Children refuse to let their parents associate with mothers with the name Katie 2
Ian Searle 09.07.13 5:12pm
Sir Elton John disappointed to be forced to pull out of Hyde Park

David Furnish said to be furious and announces "I think it's gonna be a long long time"...

irreverendJ 09.07.13 4:47pm
Exhausted dominatrix struggles with punishing workload. 0
sredni vashta 09.07.13 3:08pm
sredni vashta