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Somali Pirates Battle with Cannibal Rats In Thames Valley

[Hat tip to pinxit]...

Titus 12.02.14 2:13pm
Breaking Wind Alert: Red in Some Lower Areas and Spreading

That's bloody uncomfortable...

BewsNiscuit 12.02.14 2:04pm
Taliban Chief Accepts British Surrender

The British forces today followed government orders and staged a tactical withdrawal from Afghanistan. Speaking from Downing Street the PM stated that it was that or reintroducing conscription...

Ian Collier 12.02.14 1:46pm
Cameron: "Not that money. That money was for a rainy day... Oh ... bollocks" 0
Not Amused 12.02.14 1:19pm
Not Amused
Sanjeev Bhaskar to host Bhangra Relief to aid Berkshire flood victims 0
custard cream 12.02.14 1:16pm
custard cream
'Millions more should take Statins', say pharmaceutical companies 0
Electrelane 12.02.14 1:15pm
'Money no object now that rich people are affected', confirms Cameron

Biting satire! My name's Ben Elton, good night!...

custard cream 12.02.14 1:08pm
custard cream
Shirley Temple Recently Alive

The world was shocked today to learn that early 20th Century child star Shirley Temple was alive as recently as 24 hours ago. Ms Temple, who was "famous" for starring in saccharine black and white...

Grover 12.02.14 12:58pm
Bracknell UKIP demand relaxation on quotas for Bulgarian Sandbaggers. 0
Ref Minor 12.02.14 12:52pm
Ref Minor
Plans for Somerset levels leaked

Plans to rebrand the Somerset levels as "Tom Daly World" were hotly denied by the government this morning.In a spectacular climb down, the spokesman said" We are looking at a range of solutions, a...

Bismarck 12.02.14 12:30pm
Woman whisked away for surprise Valentines weekend by gang of masked kidnappers

Just hours before Valentines Day, a delighted 43-year-old woman was swept off her feet and whisked away to a secret weekend retreat by a delegation of tall, smartly dressed men wearing balaclavas and...

Long Distance Clara 12.02.14 12:28pm
Environment Agency's drinks party in a brewery is a total shambles 0
John Wiltshire 12.02.14 12:05pm
John Wiltshire
Ravi Singh to replace Lord Smith as Head OF Environment Agency

A youtube video of Ravi Singh in action on the Somerset Levels went viral yesterday, and a Facebook campaign was set up to appoint him as Head of the Environment Agency. This morning it emerged that...

Starchy 12.02.14 11:53am
Sod the oil. Brit Troops Return To Middle East To Secure Supplies Of sand

[Total doff of cap to Gerontius]...

Titus 12.02.14 11:29am
Toyota recall Prius "because it's too ugly" 1
Sinnick 12.02.14 11:01am
Straight Men Who Keep Wittering On About Gay Rights Accused Of Homophilia 0
Titus 12.02.14 10:55am
Rome in uproar as volcano obliterates middle-class Pompeii

Pompeii could have been saved from the magma waves if the authorities had done more to protect its buildings than stack piles of surplus slaves up in front of the doors, local residents claimed...

SuburbanDad 12.02.14 10:34am
'Character education' may produce more George Osbornes fear

Character education in schools runs the danger of producing more people like George Osborne, educationalists warn. Shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt is to call for character to be taught in...

roybland 12.02.14 10:26am
Dignitas criticised for offering reduced rates to coach parties 5
sydalg 12.02.14 10:21am
No No Feckin No
Hole appears on M2: Highways Agency looking into it 0
james_doc 12.02.14 10:08am
Andreas Wank sick of jokes about his name - changes it to Brian Wank 0
Yikes 12.02.14 9:59am
University Boat Race to be a Straight Line Dash.

"as the crow swims"...

BewsNiscuit 12.02.14 9:25am
LibDem split to make no difference at all

The Liberal Democrat party has been rocked to its foundations by a grass roots revolution, resulting in the formation of a splinter group called "The Real Liberal Democrats." Political commentators...

GingerClive 12.02.14 9:20am
University boat race to include London, Surrey, Reading, Bath, Southampton...

Organisers of this year's University Boat Race have been forced to open it up to teams from any university in the south of England., A spokesman said that due to weather conditions, the Thames has...

John Wiltshire 12.02.14 9:06am
John Wiltshire
Eric Pickles available for private apologies

Agents representing Eric Pickles have announced that he is now available to apologise to anyone for anything. In a press release, they said: 'For a nominal charge, Mr Pickles will personally...

John Wiltshire 12.02.14 8:43am
John Wiltshire
Environment Agency begs athletes to stop ‘coming out’

As further storms are expected to hit the UK, paranoid homophobes of all political persuasions are launching a concerted campaign to stop the ‘flood of sexual liberation’. Aerial footage along...

Wrenfoe 12.02.14 8:41am
HMRC calls for canine crackdown after 700,000 tax returns 'eaten by the dog' 1
pere floza 12.02.14 8:23am
People of Homs offer flood sanctuary to Berkshire residents 0
Sinnick 12.02.14 8:06am
Church moves to recognise women who believe a load of old bollocks

The Church of England has approved legislation which could see women who believe a load of old bollocks hold the same position in the Church as men who believe a load of old bollocks. Lois Haslam, a...

roybland 12.02.14 7:27am
Cars To Start Towing Open-Top Trailers With Patio Heaters, For Smokers 0
Titus 12.02.14 3:49am